Weblog Sin Pies

By Dave Stefani

Hello everyone and welcome to the first edition of Dave Stefani’s “Why I hate something.” Today’s subject: anime

Let me tell you why I hate anime. Or manga. Or Japanimation. Or whatever you nerds are calling it these days so people don’t think you’re doing what you’re doing, which is watching fucking cartoons.

“Oh no,” you say, “I don’t watch cartoons. Cartoons are for kids. I’m an adult. Anime and manga are what I’m into.” Yeah, you’re an adult alright. An adult who’s never kissed a girl, an adult who thinks Pepsi and Cheetos are part of the food pyramid, an adult with a “Halo” problem, an adult who doesn’t read comic books because he reads “graphic novels,” and an adult who watches fucking cartoons.

And here’s another thing: Have you ever noticed that the fans of these anime characters are inevitably the complete opposite of the character in every physical and mental way. If you take an impossibly proportioned, statutory rape aged girl who is a hard as nails, sword-swinging, kung fu-fighting badass, you can be guaranteed that her biggest fan is a fat, nerdy, middle-aged, unwashed chump clad from head to toe in black sweats and sandals. She wouldn’t give him the time of day. But I guess it doesn’t really matter since you can’t go on dates with characters from a fucking cartoon.

And then there’s the anime porn. What!?

One of my 21-year-old co-workers was singing me the praises of “Kill Bill.” Now I’ve avoided “Kill Bill” for a while because I figure that if that many people like it, it can’t be good. And besides I’m 31 now, which means I’m ten years past the time of having a hard-on for kung fu, girls with swords, Hunter S. Thompson and first person shooter video games (actually, I still kind of like girls with swords).

So my co-worker is pitching “Kill Bill” to me, and at one point he says “Dude, it’s so sweet, at this one part in the movie, it goes all Anime.” That’s your big selling point?
Well, I was on the fence for a while, but now I’m definitely not seeing it motherfucker.

It’s not just the fans of anime that bother me, it’s the product itself. Now I’ll admit that, from an artistic standpoint, the animation ranges anywhere from impressive to absolutely breathtaking. But the writing? Oh my Christ the writing. The average anime movie
contains the kind of fly-by-night, hack dialogue that wouldn’t be condoned in the most low budget of films, the kind of script that Ed Wood would turn down is not only accepted in anime, it’s encouraged.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m calling for total realism in my movies. In fact, I don’t really care for stark realism that much at all. This is why I don’t go to see movies like “Closer.” He’s screwing her, she’s screwing this other guy who’s also screwing him. Hey, if I want to see that I’ll call my ex-girlfriend (not you Arielle). No, I want to see X-wing fighters and shit. But what I most definitely don’t want to see is a cartoon X-wing
fighter being piloted by a cartoon Han and Chewie who talk about love and stare at each other for awkwardly long periods of time.

by Dave Stefani