Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Spam:

This reminds me of something I wrote about several years ago. Back then my penchant for long-windedness was barely a year old, so I still had the energy to write way more than I needed to. That’s still true, but back then I was funnier so I have to dig in the archives for worthwhile posts. Here’s one now:

I got an advertisement in my e-mail the other day: “Remove Debt The Christian Way!” its subject called, apparently without shame. What a shock, since I had no idea that debt removal could be denominational. If there is a Christian way, which way have I been doing it? More importantly, are all creditors so divine? Do you know if your late payment fees are sponsoring a religious war, or maybe even a door-to-door conversion mission? What, exactly, does it mean to remove debt the Christian way? Are these Christian debt managers simply trying to appeal to my easily influenced religious sentimentality (in which case they are definitely peddling their wares to the wrong payee) or do they, in fact, have a method of removing debt that is more Christian than, say, Merrill Lynch’s method?

“At Christian Debt Management, we work for our clients,” according to ChristianDebtManagement.com. That’s helpful to those in financial despair, but not so helpful to those who are trying to surmise what religion has to do with it. Beside the name, there is no indication that this company has anything to do with Christianity, though the name does present a strong case for it. I guess I was just hoping to discover God’s personal financial consultants when I typed in their Web address.

So I sent them an e-mail (info@christiandebtmanagement.com) and asked them what their program involved. “Accept Jesus into your heart, say the Lord’s Prayer, and cut up your credit cards,” seemed like reasonable advice to hope for, if only because I’m a pureblood cynic. Instead I got the cold shoulder. Divine disregard. Could it be that I wasn’t vague enough about my intentions? My junk mail from them is at an all-time high. Don’t tell me that these devout debt removers have set up an e-mail account to collect spammable addresses. I called their toll-free telephone number, but it was no longer in service. Disconnected? Maybe someone needs to help Christian Debt Management to manage their own debts.

The next logical step was a Google search. After typing in “Christian Debt Management,” I was met by a great deal of companies with similar-sounding names like “Christian Debt Consolidation” and “Christian Finance.” More important, perhaps, I discovered a helpful article over at The Credit Info Center that shed some light on my search.

The article is titled “Debt Consolidation Companies — Still as ugly as they used to be.” Shrewd readers may already see where this is headed. Before I found anything in the article about Christianity, I ran into this bit of advice: “Be cautious. Be extremely cautious. Most debt consolidation companies are in hot water these days: they are being sued by numerous attorney generals.” Improper pluralization is not necessarily a deal-breaker in terms of advice from financial consultants — numerous attorneys general would agree — and at least the writer did not try to scare me into believing him with some mumbo jumbo about Christianity. In fact, a little farther down the page there was a list of debt management companies who are not to be trusted that included this entry: “Christian Debt Consolidation (Or any name with “Christian” in it. I mean really, how scummy can you get to play the religion card?).” By the way, “mumbo jumbo” and “scummy” are both technical terms in the world of debt consolidation.

That article, though not necessarily the last word, does clear up some of my previous questions about Christian Debt Management. It is probably a scam — a marketing solution for a dishonest company that preys on naïveté and desperation. So they don’t have a debt removal method that is more Christian than Merrill Lynch’s method. If anything it is the same method, only less effective inasmuch as it necessitates more lying, cheating, and avoiding probing questions from humor columnists.

Being able to explain this all away so simply gives me a warm feeling inside, not unlike a metaphysical hug from the Big Loan Officer upstairs. Which reminds me: using religion to turn a bigger profit has been done for thousands of years and way more successfully by most of the churches you drive by every day. Christian Debt Management stands on the shoulders of a giant and picks off the scraps that fall from its mouth as it feeds. Though somewhat boring, this all make sense in its simplicity.

The lesson, if one actually exists here, is that if you’re scummy enough, you can use mumbo jumbo to trick people into giving you money. It’s a universal truth, really. Personally, my debt is being managed the old-fashioned way — sickly fear and not-too-subtle intimidation. Hey, maybe religion and debt management aren’t so different after all.

The original article can be seen in The Outside World, but I have to warn you: it’s the same but longer.