Weblog Sin Pies

By Trevor Ryan

When I read about this college kid Skyler Bartels spending 41 hours in a Wal-Mart over Spring Break, I thought two things right off the bat. One, “I spent 41 hours in a Wal-Mart one afternoon too.” Get it? Second, “What an idiot.” I want to congratulate him, as so many people are doing, but the problem is, there’s nothing to congratulate him for. It’s remotely funny, but in all, I think the “experiment” as he describes it, was just another college kid making a half-assed sociological study, where the setting for something great is there, but in practice what’s the point? I went to film school (as you can see in my cool bio), so I was exposed to plenty of “experimental” films, which remind me of this sort of thing.

After thinking about it for a while, I realized that what annoyed me the most is that he didn’t wait to be kicked out. That would have been much funnier, and much more impressive. As it was, people started to notice him, and he walked out. Come on! Couldn’t he at least have played it off a little better, getting indignant about people questioning him? Maybe shouting, “No, I did NOT find everything I was looking for!” I think he should have stayed in Wal-Mart until he was bodily removed, and then he should have sued for discriminating against the more careful consumer. That would have been impressive. How would it go down in court? We shall never know. As it was, he, like tens of thousands of Wal-Mart employees, spent precious moments of his life within the concrete confines of the multinational chain known as “The Deathstar” (by non-Star Wars fans), with little to show for it.

I do forgive him for initially stating that the experiment was a failure. That’s cool. But then, the picture of him looking all bad-ass in the Wal-Mart parking lot really takes away from my forgiveness. And what is your real name, Skyler Bartels? I know it’s not “Skyler Bartels.” Ok, that was low. Please accept my half-assed apology.

By Charley Daniels

Seihin-World: Credit card case that beeps every twenty seconds

It’s the gadget that simultaneously gives you peace of mind and drives you fucking nuts. This personal security device beeps every 20 seconds when it’s missing its credit card. It’s like an ex-wife. We know what that’s like, right ex-husbands? Ha ha!

I’ve never even had a girlfriend.

But seriously, it does beep when missing its credit card, which could be great if it weren’t for the obvious flaw: the thing is the same size as a credit card. So what beeps when you lose your beeping credit card case? A beeping wallet stuck in a beeping pocket on beeping jeans covering a beeping ass? Where will it end? Before the beeping ass, I’m thinking.

By Charley Daniels

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Attention advertisers … why do we even bother?

By Trevor Ryan

So it’s here! The logo for the Summer’s most eagerly anticipated film, Snakes on a Plane. I think this could really be Samuel L. Jackson’s actual breakout role. All of us have been asking, “Does Sam Jackson (we’re tight like that, so I shorten it to “Sam.” I don’t recommend you try the same) have the versatility to battle snakes on a plane? We’ve all suspected so, but we’ve never gotten to see it in his otherwise accomplished career. There’s a curious scent on the wind. Be it … the perfume of an approaching Oscar?

That is neither here nor there. Well, it’s “there” if by “there” you mean in the future. So how do we wait until then, without going mad with anticipation? For starters, I invite all of you to take a peek, courtesy of Entertainment Weekly, and internet buzz in general, of the official logo of “Snakes on a Plane.”

For my part, I would like to propose some taglines for the movie, to try to attract a larger audience to the film that will no doubt define the snakes-on-aviation genre for some time. So here goes:

“That’s not your seatbelt, it’s just one of many SNAKES on a PLANE!”
“Snakes: they’re not just for terror on the ground anymore.”
“Snakes with attitude at altitude!”
“What do you get when you load hundreds of snakes onto an aircraft? SNAKES ON A PLANE (that get loose!)!!”

Actually, I think the best idea is to have the tagline the same as the title, so the poster says

SNAKES ON A PLANE
“Snakes on a plane!”

Yeah, that’s the best. I’d also like to suggest a sequal, either “Snakes on a Bus,” “Snakes on a Cruise Liner” or, my favorite, “A Snake in a Cab.”

By Charley Daniels

Reuters: Department of backward conclusions: High self-esteem leads to promiscuity in men

Young men who feel good about their looks are more likely than their peers with a less positive body image to engage in risky sexual behavior, a new study of college students shows.

The men who were most satisfied with their appearance, and the most appearance-oriented — meaning they were highly invested in their looks and considered appearance to be important — were also the most likely to have sex without condoms and to have sex with multiple partners, Dr. Eva S. Lefkowitz of Pennsylvania State University in University Park and colleagues report.

The good doctor almost goes on to say that having a positive image of oneself is a bad thing. You know, since it leads to unprotected sex with multiple partners.

I have a different theory entirely: Sluts love hot guys. Yeah, I said it. No study needed.

Interestingly, the study found that females with high self-esteem are less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior than their insecure counterparts. Explanation? The cocky, metro males need someone to get down with. Female sluts have low self-esteem, male sluts have high self-esteem. Opposites attract. Isn’t it great when the world makes sense?

‘It’s important to point out that we don’t know which comes first,’ Lefkowitz said. People who feel better about their looks may be more likely to have sex, or being sexually active may confer a better body image, she explained.

Riiiiiight. Having tons of sex leads to high fives and congratulations from other dudes, while the female response to the same behavior is not necessarily so accepting. I know how it goes, I watch TV. It’s also important to point out that scientists don’t create stereotypes, and empirical data don’t lie.