Weblog Sin Pies

By Trevor Ryan

Write this down. Wait … no don’t. Ok, write some of it down, then tear it up and mix the letters around. Now play scrabble with the letters. You now have a homemade scrabble set. I just saved you like … $20. But wait … LAWSUIT. Now you’re out $50K in legal fees. But you sell the book rights. Then the movie rights. You’re famous! But I sue you, cause this was MY idea. Now I own you, and I make you give me all your money and each night say “Trevor Ryan is a nice guy. He’s so smart and good looking, I want to be just like him when I grow up, but I’m a stinky butt with no friends, and I like to wear my mom’s dresses when she’s not home.” Then I play a tape of you saying it in front of the whole school. Or … a whole school, anyway, because you’re not in school anymore.

All this, cause you wanted to play scrabble for free! Well, I guess I could at least give you a Z to complete the set.

See you in court,
Trevor

By Charley Daniels

CNN: Miss Deaf Texas run down by train

A witness told Austin television station KTBC the train sounded its horn right up until the accident occurred.

Way to rub it in, witness.

By Charley Daniels

Yahoo News: ‘South Park’s’ Chef: After nine or ten years, I won’t stand for this

Isaac Hayes, voice of the character Chef on Comedy Central’s “South Park” since 1997, has decided that the show finally went too far.

‘There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins,’ the 63-year-old soul singer and outspoken Scientologist said.

Many speculate that a recent episode of the show that lampooned Scientologists is responsible for changing the actor’s mind about his career.

Until the fateful Scientology episode, “South Park” was known across the entertainment industry as a humanizing, tolerant, and compassionate program that took strides in areas of –

I’m sorry, I couldn’t get through that. What the hell is this guy thinking? It took him nearly a decade to find something offensive about “South Park” and it just happened to be shortly after the episode where they made fun of his religion? Being a Scientologist doesn’t necessarily mean Hayes is crazy, but the chances are better than average. That might explain his lack of foresight.

He should have at least waited another season. I mean, it wouldn’t have been long before the show made yet another satirical jab at, oh, say … people of color? How about women? The handicapped (yes, mentally too)? The elderly? The poor? The rich? The middle class? Poets? Hippies? Dogs? You get the idea. At least then he would have had some rational support in his crusade. As it is, he’s just an easy-to-spot hypocrite.

By Trevor Ryan

The Department of Agriculture confirmed today that a cow tested positive for mad cow disease in Alabama. Alabama, it turns out, is in the United States, which means that there are cows in the United States that have mad cow disease. (Those of you who say I failed logic are wrong. I never even took a class in logic. So there.) So anyway, this poor cow now has to make a host of embarrassing phone calls to ex-lovers. I can’t help but feel bad for her, but then, if you eat the brains of fellow members of your species, that’s what you get. There’s sort of a lesson in this, I think. I’m pretty sure it has to do with eating things that are different than ourselves, because difference is intolerable.

This is how dumber creatures teach the geniuses of the land (us) how to live. By making mistakes, such as eating what we give them. Similarly, chickens warn us of the perils of overpopulation by living stacked ten deep in tiny cages of their own making (well, humans made them, but using profits from chickens raised, slaughtered and sold. Giving one’s life for the imprisonment of others is like building the prison itself. I like to call it “the other irresponsible investing.”) So on this upcoming Earth Day (I would give the date, but nobody knows exactly when it is, it just happens sometimes, like Columbus Day, Fathers Day, or Laundry Day).

Some people think whales are smarter than people. There are some whales that have a larger brain in proportion to their body mass (I think, but I don’t want to look it up). For this reason, these people want to kill the whales, to maintain our own supremacy. It’s essentially the new Cold War. “Forget China,” they cry. “Look to the sea for the greatest threat to our security.” I think this is crazy. Clearly we can’t go killing whales because they might have nuclear weapons. We should, however, detain and interrogate them until we can be sure that they do not. This is how we learn about our fellow creatures.

By Charley Daniels

Daily Mail: Crawling inbred weirdos key to evolution?

An extraordinary family who walk on all fours are being hailed as the breakthrough discovery which could shed light on the moment Man first stood upright.

As you can see, they are very, very scary. I was going to make an inbreeding joke based on the picture alone, but then I read a little farther:

The five are all mentally retarded. Their mother and father, who are closely related are believed to have handed down a unique combination of genes which result in the behaviour.

What’s “extraordinary” again? Let’s review: Scientists discover bear-crawling, back-country folks. Find that they are genuine crawlers who can barely walk on two legs. Decide family’s genetics will prove invaluable to the study of human evolution. Find family has been fishing in the same gene pool. Don’t change their minds about the significance of the family’s wackiness. Make completely asinine observations, like:

Rather than walking on their knuckles, like gorillas or chimpanzees, they walk on the palms of their hands, with their fingers spread upwards.

Scientists believe this may be the way hominids moved to protect their fingers for more delicate movements.

Hello? Inbred. Humping cousins. Not primitive humans; mentally retarded humans. I’m no scientist, but I know that if I hit my head and started acting like Jesus, no one would believe it was the second coming. Maybe some people would, but they would be crazy. And that’s the point.

Prof Humphrey said: “However they arrived at this point, we have adult human beings walking like ancestors several million years ago.”

Loneliness and moonshine is how they arrived at that point. Not everything has to be cosmically significant. These people should be analyzed, no doubt about it, but probably not through the lens of evolutionary-science breakthrough. Maybe they should be looked at from the perspective of “it doesn’t matter how hot your sister is.”