Weblog Sin Pies

By Trevor Ryan

So New Orleans homes need to be three feet higher, according to the news people, who say this is according to the scientists. So that raises some questions for me. For instance, if they were fine before, who’s to say that after the next storm they won’t need to be another six inches higher to avoid being drowned by another flood? Like, the flood after next?

The other question is, if there was water in the attics of a lot of those places, will three feet really do the trick, or is the idea to keep the water line three feet below the attic?

I don’t know. To me, these building people don’t seem to have figured out as much as they claim. Or maybe they have. How should I know? I didn’t even read the whole article. That’s why I linked to it in the first place. You’re so damned interested? Find out for yourself. That’s what the Internet was made for: finding out what it’s like to watch other people have sex without the hassle and embarrassment of going into one of those shady video stores.

So where does this leave us? How high should we build our houses? (Answer: ABOVE sea level. That’s the minimum.) How high should our Internet speed be? Well, how long can you wait to watch those people you don’t know have sex? It’s all a matter of perspective. It would be easier if there were a little cartoony cutout guy (may I suggest a leprechaun?) holding his hand out saying, “You must be at least this tall to do anything useful in this world.”

Leave the tough decisions to grownups, kids. That’s all I’m trying to say. If they think they can watch porn in the attic under 2 1/2 feet of venomous-snake-infested water, that’s their business. That’s what the Founding Fathers said anyway. God bless America, with all its housing codes and DSL. If we double-click fast enough, by gum we’ll double-click right into the next century, where there will be enough housing codes for everyone. Even Tiny Tim, the lovable (British) crippled boy.

By Charley Daniels

The Billings Gazette: Oopsie! The only Republican candidate running for the state legislature in Montana’s district 76 is a proud member of ‘America’s Nazi Party.’

“It was reported over the weekend that Shawn Stuart, 24, is Montana’s contact point for the National Socialist Movement, a group that describes itself as ‘America’s Nazi Party’ on its Web site.”

Montana’s contact point, eh? Well that shows he has leadership experience, which is important for a prospective member of the state legislature. Let’s review his other qualifications, shall we?

From the Helena Independent Record:

‘I am the Montana unit contact leader,’ Shawn Stuart, 24, told The Montana Standard Friday afternoon. He’s running for the House District 76 spot, along with Democrats Kevin Lowney and incumbent Jon Sesso.

Members of this movement ‘co-operate and work with many like minded white nationalist groups such as the KKK (Ku Klux Klan), Aryan Skinheads, the Racial Nationalist Party of America and many others which are either neo Nazi or at least, racially aware of our Aryan Heritage,’ according to their Web site.

The ‘Sacred Swastika’ is their logo and ‘the Brown shirt of the SA (Sturmabteilung)’ is their uniform.

The movement calls for a ‘union of all Whites into a greater America. Non-citizens may live in America only as guests and must be subject to laws for aliens. Accordingly, no Jew or homosexual may be a member of the nation,’ according to the ‘25 points’ section of the Web site.

Stuart said he personally ‘has nothing against any other race.’

He has nothing against any other race! What’s the big deal?

‘All I believe in is the separation,’ he said. ‘We have our right to exist in the world; they have their right to exist in the world.’

He said his views align with the Republican party and he’s also been affiliated with the Militia of Montana, describing it as ‘like the National Rifle Association, but a little more extreme.’

Ah. There it is. Separation. The old, [adopts a hillbilly accent] “I don’t mind what other people do, long as they ain’t tryin’ to spread it around.” Plus, more extreme than the NRA? What, they want to require everyone to carry two guns at all times, or something? The Militia of Montana Web site says,

Militia members do not walk around carrying guns and wearing army fatigues, looking for someone to shoot.

That’s a relief. Unless it’s just a semantics thing. Maybe militia members walk around carrying guns, looking for someone to shoot but they wear whatever they want. Or maybe they walk around carrying guns, wearing army fatigues but they already know who they’re going to shoot. They don’t have to look. See, semantics.

But look, no one’s perfect. At least Stuart’s views align with the Republican party, right? Right? Republicans? Hello?

John Eyde, who heads Butte’s Republican central committee, had no comment Friday afternoon when told of Stuart’s affiliation.

Earlier in the week, he said the committee was ‘familiar with him’ and that Stuart has been to central committee meetings, but the local party did not endorse him or recruit him to run.

NPR reported today that Montana Republicans were going to campaign against Stuart, despite having to give up a potential seat in the legislature. That’s a pretty good idea, considering Montana Republicans have absolutely no other choice given the circumstances. I love when politicians do the right thing once there’s no other alternative.

By Trevor Ryan

The trial of Saddam Hussein reminds me of Christmas. Most of us who are older than eight no longer believe in Santa, and so under normal circumstances, we can all openly discuss the fact that no magical being delivers gifts to all the good kids. Well, ok, so nobody actually discusses that, because that would be pointless. But you know what I mean. If we want to, we can. That is, unless there’s a little kid around.

Watching Saddam’s observing and participating in his own trial is very similar. I find it rather endearing that he thinks it’s actually a trial, and that maybe he’ll get off. He has the naivety of a small child, and the charming beard of Santa. What could be more sweet? Maybe someone who adheres to the Geneva Conventions. You know, non-war criminals.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I like the guy. In fact, I think there’s something really refreshing about seeing someone on trial who has essentially abandoned his own humanity by the sheer atrocity of his actions. It can be exhausting to live in a world of injustice, of shades of gray. But when Saddam Hussein complains about the way he’s being treated, there’s just not that pang of guilt. I merely shrug and think “eh, whattaya gonna do?”

Take for instance today, when Saddam “dismissed” evidence that he allowed minors to be executed. He looks so serious, so convinced he is being wronged, like a child convinced he truly must have that new toy. Who knew how sweet Saddam could look, throwing a little tantrum, demanding the attention of a grown-up world as it prepares to send him to his room for a very long time.

By Charley Daniels

When I think about having to clean my Ikea brand garlic press I get homicidal. If you think that’s wrong, I don’t know what to tell you except it is not wrong. You’re the one who’s wrong. Unless you meant “wrong” as in “amoral” or “unethical,” in which case you’re probably right, but who knows? Lawyers, I guess.

But the real issue here is complicated utensils. Or rather, cheap complicated utensils that SUCK! Why do we need them? Or better yet, why don’t we stick to traditional methods of preparing garlic? Or the best question of all: Since toilets are the opposite of pants, which came first? Think about that one, why don’t you. It’s a real chicken-and-egg scenario, that one is.

Whatever the answer — and we may never know — one thing is certain: In the world of Ikea brand garlic presses, pants, and toilets, holding it and keeping it clean are the ties that bind.