Weblog Sin Pies

By Mike Bijon

The 5.5 billion hairless apes with opposable thumbs living on this planet started cleaning up the air a few decades back. A new study reveals that banning smokey cars and all the best spray-can propellants has made the air cleaner, but removing certain pollutants increases the number and severity of hurricanes coming to wash the hairless apes off pricey oceanfront properties. The recent study Clean Air, Global Warming Mean More Hurricanes is bound to be interpreted and twisted wrong many ways in coming years. Industrialists may be rejoicing, but the rest of us really can’t seem to win. What would the dinosaurs say now?

The aerosols essentially dimmed sunlight over the North Atlantic and masked the effect of global warming there over those decades.

No, that’s not what the dinosaurs would say. That’s what the article says. Try to keep up, will you? I may be a simple hairless ape, but I know when I’m being mocked. Aerosols “masked” the effects of global warming? Environmentalists, politicians — discuss please.

Other than giving people a bunch of new things to argue about, how will the the study affect us? Unless you’re the arguing-type, the only thing that you’re likely to take away is that buying a private island in the Caribbean may not be a good idea anytime soon. I guess we at Weblog Sin Pies are going to have to figure out someplace else to relocate.

By Charley Daniels

An open cover letter to employers:

To whom it may concern,

Because you’re looking to hire someone, and I happen to possess the necessary skills for that position, I am submitting my application for employment with Company X, heretofore known as “X Co.”

I am blessed with the following abilities, or “skills,” many of which may be of use to you and may even be of use to X Co as well.

Skill 1
I am a published writer and editor. That is to say that I write and edit pretty well. Mostly. When I write, I sometimes edit as I go. So in those instances I write and edit simultaneously. (Note to self: put that last word in italics on second read-through.)

Skill 2
I’m job-search-buzzword savvy. I’m comfortable gratuitously referring to myself as a self-motivated multi-tasking team player who thinks outside the box in his quest to stay competitive in deadline-oriented, fast-paced working environments. I’m equally comfortable in charge or taking orders. I’m also pretty comfortable forgetting and/or disregarding orders if that’s how you’re going to be. Your choice, Mr. Man.

Skill 3
I excel at job interviews. I’ve been offered jobs with 97% of the companies that have interviewed me. I haven’t fully given up on the other 3%, either. Some companies take longer than others to make decisions. Their loss could be your gain. But don’t offer me an interview unless you’re fully prepared to hire me because I’m basically undefeated at interviews.

Skill 4
I know an awful lot about ants — their foraging habits, breeding behavior, and basic social order. Does it seem like X Co has no use for a person who knows an awful lot about ants? Hmmm. I guess I need to remind you that ants are everywhere. Even at X Co.

These are only four of the skills that set me apart from all the weirdos and degenerate scumbags who have also applied for the position. In fact, I actually listed four skill sets, each of which has various subsets and individual components that could easily represent separate skills. And there are plenty of others. These skills and skill sets are exactly what X Co needs and then some. If you disagree, it’s probably time for management to reconsider how valuable you are to the company.

My attached resume will demonstrate how I can create a document and then BOOM! Just like that I can attach it to an e-mail. With any luck, you’ll be smart enough to open it.

Sincerely,
Charley Daniels, future CEO, X Co

Related Link: employment screening background check

By Charley Daniels
Wherein I take stuff on, hypothetically. Let’s cut right to the bone, baby. I don’t know much about this God fellow, but a lot of people believe he’s done some amazing stuff. Even still, they don’t deny that on the seventh day he had to rest. He can’t be all that great. Maybe he’s only slightly better than me — and slightly better is beatable. I probably can’t beat him at his own game, but I have game, too. Once I was standing at an airport next to Third Eye Blind frontman Stephan Jenkins, who was telling the counter agent that he had more frequent flyer miles than God. (The flight was overbooked and they had given first priority to customers with higher mileage. Apparently, God had been allowed a seat, but Jenkins was still on the waiting list.) If a pseudo-rockstar has more frequent flyer miles than God, you better believe he’s fallible. God is fallible, I mean. You get the picture. Let’s get ready to rumble.

Round 1: Creating existence in seven days

Six if you don’t count that day of rest. See, God created everything in six days and then took a vacation, which I saw as a weakness, but it was actually his doing the job ahead of schedule and then using that last day to do whatever he wanted. That’s pretty good, especially since he inadvertently created the week in the process. I tried to create the universe and after two months I couldn’t even create gold. That’s only one element!

God: 1
Charley: 0

Round 2: Thumb wrestling

God doesn’t even have thumbs — he is an entity, after all. Without thumbs, not even a deity could beat me in a thumb-wrestling competition. Because I have two. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that he did have thumbs. Okay, I still would have won because I’m undefeated at thumb wrestling. My crazy digits can bend in ways not humanly possible, thereby putting them on par with non-humans like God. Also, I’m a lot younger than God, so any event that requires dexterity and stamina is mine for the taking. “Almighty” my ass.

God: 1
Charley: 1

(Continued)