Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels
Wherein I take stuff on, hypothetically. Let’s cut right to the bone, baby. I don’t know much about this God fellow, but a lot of people believe he’s done some amazing stuff. Even still, they don’t deny that on the seventh day he had to rest. He can’t be all that great. Maybe he’s only slightly better than me — and slightly better is beatable. I probably can’t beat him at his own game, but I have game, too. Once I was standing at an airport next to Third Eye Blind frontman Stephan Jenkins, who was telling the counter agent that he had more frequent flyer miles than God. (The flight was overbooked and they had given first priority to customers with higher mileage. Apparently, God had been allowed a seat, but Jenkins was still on the waiting list.) If a pseudo-rockstar has more frequent flyer miles than God, you better believe he’s fallible. God is fallible, I mean. You get the picture. Let’s get ready to rumble.

Round 1: Creating existence in seven days

Six if you don’t count that day of rest. See, God created everything in six days and then took a vacation, which I saw as a weakness, but it was actually his doing the job ahead of schedule and then using that last day to do whatever he wanted. That’s pretty good, especially since he inadvertently created the week in the process. I tried to create the universe and after two months I couldn’t even create gold. That’s only one element!

God: 1
Charley: 0

Round 2: Thumb wrestling

God doesn’t even have thumbs — he is an entity, after all. Without thumbs, not even a deity could beat me in a thumb-wrestling competition. Because I have two. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that he did have thumbs. Okay, I still would have won because I’m undefeated at thumb wrestling. My crazy digits can bend in ways not humanly possible, thereby putting them on par with non-humans like God. Also, I’m a lot younger than God, so any event that requires dexterity and stamina is mine for the taking. “Almighty” my ass.

God: 1
Charley: 1

Round 3: Parting the Red Sea

God has the liquid under control. I don’t wet my bed, but that isn’t quite so miraculous. I do have an uncanny ability to let the water from the shower run down my arm and off the ends of my fingers so that it looks like I have sprinkler hands when I hold my arm at a certain angle. Informal polls reveal that sprinkler hands are not as cool as parting the Red Sea. Maybe I can part the Red Sea. It’s just that I can’t afford a plane ticket right now, so how can I try? I can part my hair. My girlfriend doesn’t like this, though.

God: 2
Charley: 1

Round 4: Grooming

Speaking of hair, have you seen that guy’s ratty beard? Wow. I have to hand it to him — he’s not concerned with the way he looks. The creator of the universe and everything it contains is obviously aware of things like shaving and showering. He must just be really comfortable with himself and so doesn’t mind going out wearing a white robe and sporting that particular hairstyle. It really is a wonder that anyone in the Old Testament took him seriously, though. Personally, I like a shave and a shower and, while I’m not too narcissistic for a T-shirt and jeans, I do draw the line at wearing my bathrobe to a smiting. Or I would if I am ever attending one. If this round were about self-assuredness, God might get the points. As it stands, I win this one.

God: 2
Charley: 2

Round 5: Walking on water

Like parting the Red Sea, this achievement was not actually God (if I understand my picture Bible correctly), but it was clearly God’s doing because no one parts seas or walks on water without a little help from above. I’ve never actually tried to walk on water, but I know that I can’t because sometimes I stumble on dry land. Though it’s fairly obvious that some trickery must be involved, I’ve never understood how the water walk is accomplished — a hidden platform? Water wing-tipped shoes? Hover sandals? An independent laboratory has found the drawings of the time to be undoctored, so I have to concede.

God: 3
Charley: 2

Round 6: Drinking heavily

If you’ve read this far you probably think that round 6, heavy drinking, is a given for me. You’d be surprised. See, God can turn water to wine and such, where I have to go down to the store to buy a bottle. When you’re trying to out-drink Yahweh, you need a credit card with a very high limit. Luckily I had a willing connection because most state liquor control commissions are made up of a bunch of devils. Still, all those years of turning water into wine gave God the tolerance of a frat boy. I won the round, however, because for once I was drunk and shouting at God and God was actually there, shouting right back. Talk about inspiration.

God: 3
Charley: 3

Round 7: Immaculately conceiving

Now, I’m not saying that I’m completely incapable, but I have never fathered a child — immaculately or otherwise. I’m pretty sure I haven’t, at least. Ha ha! Just a little humor there. Seriously though, I’d like to believe that immaculate conception is something that you have to be attempting to cause in order for it to actually happen. Also, I don’t want that ability. No thanks. It’s like eating cake without being able to taste it. If it can happen by accident, we’re all in big trouble. So I’ll have to give this one to God and hope to become the first man ever to have Immaculate Protection. Now that would be something

He wins a squeaker. I’m looking forward to the rematch. Final Score:

God: 4
Charley: 3

Photo: JoelDeluxe