Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

An open cover letter to employers:

To whom it may concern,

Because you’re looking to hire someone, and I happen to possess the necessary skills for that position, I am submitting my application for employment with Company X, heretofore known as “X Co.”

I am blessed with the following abilities, or “skills,” many of which may be of use to you and may even be of use to X Co as well.

Skill 1
I am a published writer and editor. That is to say that I write and edit pretty well. Mostly. When I write, I sometimes edit as I go. So in those instances I write and edit simultaneously. (Note to self: put that last word in italics on second read-through.)

Skill 2
I’m job-search-buzzword savvy. I’m comfortable gratuitously referring to myself as a self-motivated multi-tasking team player who thinks outside the box in his quest to stay competitive in deadline-oriented, fast-paced working environments. I’m equally comfortable in charge or taking orders. I’m also pretty comfortable forgetting and/or disregarding orders if that’s how you’re going to be. Your choice, Mr. Man.

Skill 3
I excel at job interviews. I’ve been offered jobs with 97% of the companies that have interviewed me. I haven’t fully given up on the other 3%, either. Some companies take longer than others to make decisions. Their loss could be your gain. But don’t offer me an interview unless you’re fully prepared to hire me because I’m basically undefeated at interviews.

Skill 4
I know an awful lot about ants — their foraging habits, breeding behavior, and basic social order. Does it seem like X Co has no use for a person who knows an awful lot about ants? Hmmm. I guess I need to remind you that ants are everywhere. Even at X Co.

These are only four of the skills that set me apart from all the weirdos and degenerate scumbags who have also applied for the position. In fact, I actually listed four skill sets, each of which has various subsets and individual components that could easily represent separate skills. And there are plenty of others. These skills and skill sets are exactly what X Co needs and then some. If you disagree, it’s probably time for management to reconsider how valuable you are to the company.

My attached resume will demonstrate how I can create a document and then BOOM! Just like that I can attach it to an e-mail. With any luck, you’ll be smart enough to open it.

Sincerely,
Charley Daniels, future CEO, X Co

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