Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Hundreds of millions of people all over the world tuned in to Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s televised memorial service this week. Another 5,000 were there in person. I caught about four minutes of it Tuesday night while I was waiting for something more interesting to start on a different station. In the little bit that I watched, I noticed something slightly disturbing: As the camera panned across the audience, people were waving at it like a bunch of yahoos at a Britney Spears concert. You’re at a funeral, people!

I hope there are thousands of people and a camera crew at my funeral. If I ever die, that is.

Poker: I’m a frequent reader and huge fan of the 2+2 Forums because my poker skills have at least doubled since I’ve been a regular there. That’s right, I now have double the skills. I don’t post a lot because I’m afraid I’ll be ridiculed for my simple-mindedness. Ridiculed by people whom I greatly respect as poker players. Turns out it’s true. OK, so I wasn’t exactly ridiculed. But no one thought the hand I posted was interesting, WHICH IT CLEARLY WAS. What do those “experts” know, anyway.

Poker, again: Speaking of poker, congress is once again trying its damnedest to ruin my fun. At least this time they’re not coming after me personally. It’s kind of scary, even for people who don’t care about Internet gambling. What’s next? Mandatory lobotomies? Think about it. Read more at the Poker Players Alliance.

WWW: Have you heard about this thing where you type “YOUR FIRST NAME needs” into Google and read the random results you get? So mine would be, “Charley needs to be watched constantly and he will be on medication for the rest of his life.” It’s SO true! I found out about this little game through a MySpace bulletin and laughed pretty hard at some people’s results. Dear Shoes on Powerlines, that’s something I’m ashamed of. But not nearly as ashamed as I would be if my name were Becky.

What do you need? Probably a serious kick in the pants, because this is News and Aaahs for Sept. 21!

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Unfortunately, it’s not about dino poo, but this article, Tyrannosaurus Sex, is all about another private dinosaur activity. The title alone is so good, I don’t want to bore you with the speculation that comprises most of the article. No one really knows how dinosaurs got busy, you see, but at least the fine folks over at Cosmos Magazine are asking the tough questions:

How did spiny stegosaurs mate without stabbing each other to death? And where did Tyranosaurus rex stow his crown jewels - or did he let it all hang out?

But it really is a fine piece of reporting, if only for this gem of a quote near the end:

‘Their mating had to be done with great delicacy and great precision. It must have been utterly charming to watch, quite unlike our own species.’

Those are the immortal words of L. Beverly Halstead, a british paleontologist whose drawings of “dinosaurs mating in different positions” inspired the author of the article.

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When you read News and Aaahs, do you picture me shouting it? Because that’s the way it happens in my head.

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A Florida man jumped off a 50-foot bridge into the Manatee River when the wind blew a $20 bill out of his hand as he walked across. Some stories need no smart-ass remark, so I’ll just let the man speak for himself:

‘I got my money back, hell yeah,’ [Mark] Giorgio told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune. ‘Twenty bucks is a lot of money when you’re broke.’

Hell yeah it is.

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Talk about charismatic leaders. Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez, speaking to the whole wide world during the U.N. General Assembly this week, called U.S. President George W. Bush “the devil.”

‘The devil came here yesterday,’ Chavez said. ‘He came here talking as if he were the owner of the world.’

Critics point out that Chavez is angling for Venezuela to gain a seat on the U.N. Security Council, which is sort of like the popular kids’ table in the cafeteria. Cynics point out that Chavez is just plain wrong — that, in fact, Bush speaks as if he were the owner of the whole damn universe.

By Charley Daniels

We don’t usually talk much about what goes on in our day-to-day lives because we’re afraid no one cares. Maybe that’s a mistake. Things are going to be different around this place. Maybe. Here’s a start, anyway: Some of the Weblog Sin Pies team and all but our most loyal readers went camping this weekend. It was totally kick ass! My only regret is that we couldn’t stay longer. GODDAMNED REGULAR-LENGTH WEEKENDS. At least we have photos to remember the good times. For example, the one in this post of Alex, opening some beans like a real mountain man. Well, almost.

Speaking of good times, let’s get on with the madness:

Religion: Infallible my ass. Apparently, the Pope’s aides are too afraid to tell him when he messes up.

Good reading: Don’t you love when people have to admit they screwed up? What about when newspapers have to cop to it?

WWW: I guess Craigslist works. Okay, maybe I’ll give it a try.

Celeb: That bastion of relevant journalism In Touch Weekly paid Getty Images well over $300,000 for photos of Anna Nicole Smith and her recently deceased son that were taken the day before his untimely demise, according to Defamer. How much could I get for my camp photos?

There’s probably a bunch more going on out there, but there’s no time … Wait, yes there is because this is News and Aaahs for September 18!

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Finally, a government agency that’s interested in the separation of church and state. And you thought the IRS was just a bunch of money-grubbing yes-men who couldn’t spot corruption if it was whizzing all over them.

The IRS is investigating whether All Saints Episcopal Church violated the federal tax code when its former rector, Rev. George F. Regas, delivered an anti-war sermon on the eve of the last presidential election.

That religious leader is anti-war? RED FLAG. Go get ‘em IRS, and tell them Uncle Sam said, “Pay up you God-fearing liberal hippy scum!”

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Though it sounds suspicious that our military leaders want to test their arsenal on U.S. citizens before using the weapons in places far and wide, I personally approve of the idea — even as a citizen who is never more than one bad vehicular encounter away from being on the business end of a hostage negotiation.

By “business end” I mean I’m the guy getting hit in the face with rubber bullets. In case that wasn’t clear.

‘If we’re not willing to use it here against our fellow citizens, then we should not be willing to use it in a wartime situation,’ said [Airforce Secretary Michael] Wynne. ‘(Because) if I hit somebody with a nonlethal weapon and they claim that it injured them in a way that was not intended, I think that I would be vilified in the world press.’

Wait a minute. I take it back. This is an awful idea and an even worse potential trend. Next it could be, “What will other countries say if I set their orphanages on fire and can’t tell them I’d do the same to orphanages in my own country? What a PR nightmare!”

It sounded so good until they started talking.

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I know In Touch Weekly doesn’t claim to be a relevant voice in journalism. Or wait … does it?

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Some rich lady is the first female space tourist. How exciting! Especially when things go wrong:

The world’s first female tourist to the international space station, accompanied by a Russian cosmonaut and American astronaut, headed Monday for the orbiting lab, where a malfunction in an oxygen generator prompted the crew to don protective gear.

I’ll lay even money that they were just messing with her.

By Charley Daniels

Horses are for riding, not eating, according to the majority of representatives in the U.S. House, which voted today to ban the slaughter of horses for food. The story on ABC News says 90,000 animals per year will be spared from becoming meals in places overseas where horse meat is considered a delicacy.

I’ve always wondered why we here in the U.S don’t take advantage of all the different animals available to cook. Thankfully, the oh-so-eloquent representative from Kentucky, Ed Whitfield, was elected by the good people of that state so he could explain things to me:

Horses have never been part of the food chain. Horses are not like cattle.

“Not like cattle,” he says. Really? In what ways are horses not like cattle? And “because we don’t eat them” is not an acceptable answer.

Proponents likened horses to house pets and said horses, which hold an exalted place in American lore as intelligent companions and long-lived workmates, should not risk gruesome death in a slaughterhouse.

We can’t eat smart things, that’s true. Except pigs, which are widely considered to be very intelligent, trainable pets. We can’t eat workmates, though. Except cows, which have a place in history as draft animals on farms. But we can’t eat cute animals! Except lamb. And deer. Hmmm. What is it then? Transportation! That’s what he should have said. We can’t eat animals that we use as transportation. Yeah. I mean, one day there will be no more oil. I don’t want to have to explain to my grandkids that they have to walk everywhere just because some people overseas thought horse was tasty. Yay America, land of sensible moral dilemmas!

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At some point today the top headline on Google News, from Forbes, was this:

Conservative Group Airs Pro-Bush Ad

STOP THE PRESSES!

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Speaking of important news …

SFGate: Paris Hilton arrested for drunk driving

[Officer] Isabella claims Hilton was stopped because she was “driving erratically” in her Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren.

She parties, what, every night? And they’re trying to tell me she can’t drive drunk like a pro? I’m not buying it. So I ask you, intelligent reader, what is this really about? But before you answer, read this:

Hilton called in to Ryan Seacrest’s Los Angeles radio show to explain the incident Thursday morning.

She said of her arrest, “You know what, it was nothing. I’d been shooting my music video for my new song ‘Nothing in This World.’

It turns out that her music video actually had nothing to do with the drunk driving. So cheap publicity, then? Get arrested, sell albums? That’s gotta be cheaper than your average traditional PR campaign. By Jeff, I think she has something! It’s was staged! product placement and all:

“I had one margarita, and I was starving ’cause I had not ate all day. I was on my way to In-N-Out, which is probably three blocks away, and I’m in my SLR, which is a little fast, so maybe I was speeding a little bit and I got pulled over.”

When Seacrest asked if she was driving erratically, as was reported in the police filing, she replied, “No, I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an In-N-Out burger!”

Photo: Verrice