Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Whew! Keeping this thing updated is taxing on the brain, you know? I’ve been compiling links for days, so many of the things you’re about to find out could be outdated. Not my problem. Read on!

I picked up John Hodgman’s “The Areas of My Expertise” last week. You know Hodgman — he’s the PC guy on the Apple commercials where the Mac is all young and cool and the PC is a big dumbass. “The Areas of My Expertise” is essentially what every humor writers’ personal notebook looks like — a compendium of random, made-up crap that no one is ever meant to read. I’m having a little trouble getting into it.

Celebrities: Jessica Simpson stars in a really bad movie, I guess. How disappointing. On the other hand, Paris and Nicole are buddies again. I knew they’d weather that storm.

North Korea’s gone nukular. Can’t we just torture them, or something?

So, Google bought YouTube. Big deal. Acquiring stuff is easy. For example, I got a DVR today.

Hey, dinosaur poo has been a staple around here for a while, so it’s good to see Ryan North over at Dinosaur Comics tackle an issue that’s dear to our hearts.

Well, you know the old saying: No news is good news … unless it’s News and Aaahs for Oct. 10!

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The Vatican is looking out for dead babies with a new initiative to eliminate limbo from the heaven-hell equation. You see, limbo is where babies end up if they die before being baptised. At least, it used to be:

The Catholic Church is concerned about the grief suffered by the parents of stillborn babies, which could be compounded if they believed the souls of their children were to be excluded from heaven.

Now, I’m not religious, so correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems pretty sketchy to just decide some part of your religion suddenly doesn’t exist. What do I know, though? I’m just some Godless skeptic. The Pope would probably know:

The Pope has been quoted as dismissing the notion as mere ‘hypothesis.’

It’s that easy? Can’t hell be hypothetical, then? Please?

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Can your tools do this?

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Man, there’s been a lot of shooting going on at schools. What gives, students? I guess the only way to stop school violence is to try to foster an environment where unstable kids feel safe coming out and talking to responsible adults about their troubled lives.

Or we could make it so that when kids start shooting, the teachers can shoot back.

Wisconsin state Rep. Frank Lasee, R-Green Bay, said he would introduce a measure in the state legislature early next year that would give teachers and other school employees the option of carrying concealed guns after they have received extensive weapons training.

Normally I would say something sarcastic and/or ironic, but a moment of sincerity is necessary in this case. Mr. Lasee, you are an effin asshat, d-bag, ca ca for brains. I did that as nicely as possible; thanks for listening.

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This country is certainly going to hell (not limbo, now, thank you very much. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Pope). Congress has passed a measure aimed at outlawing harmless online gambling and another that essentially legalizes torture. Priorities! Paul Phillips, writing about the torture bill, says it best:

If we can’t ‘win’ without torture then I don’t want to win. I think I’d rather see the planet dissolve into total nuclear annihilation then face a future where we expect the ostensible good guys to use torture to achieve their ends. Torture represents as fundamental a moral breakdown as there is. It is an absolute surrender of any claim to the moral high ground. The world (or at least those who have survived the last few years) is laughing at the absurd hypocrisy of our attempts to spread ‘freedom’ even as we show over and over that we have no idea what that means.

Photo: .sarah.elizabeth.