Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Some scientists say that the ultimate predator of all time is the tyrannosaur. That’s because they haven’t seen me at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Other scientists (and people at the buffet) have a different theory entirely. They believe that T-Rex was a scavenger — like a giant, scaly vulture — and not a predator at all. The scavenger theorists point to evidence of weak jaw muscles, a sign, they say, that the mouth of an adult tyrannosaur was meant for picking up scraps rather than crushing necks. But what does anyone really know about T-Rex, anyway? He’s dead, and all we have are bones. I, on the other hand, am alive and can bite through a soda can. That is a well-documented fact. You should see my military-grade nightguard. My dentist says it stops me from biting my own mouth off while I sleep — and he’s kind of like a scientist. So this match may not be as skewed as it appears on the surface. In my last match I took on God. I lost, of course. But T-Rex’s existence is a scientific certainty, while divine beings and dinosaur jaw strength aren’t, so I have a good feeling about this one. Let’s get ready to rumble.

Round 1: Making quesadillas
There are many reasons why I’m better at making quesadillas than T-Rex. A good mixture of cheeses and peppers is only the beginning. T-Rex ate mostly raw meat — scavenger or not. Though that alone does not automatically mean he has no vegetarian culinary abilities, the fact that cheese and tortillas did not even exist during the Cretaceous period would significantly hamper the quesadilla-making process. Do you expect me to believe that a dinosaur would take the time to invent the ingredients for a dish that he wouldn’t even want to eat? So let’s say we provide him with the ingredients. What’s he going to do, hold it over a volcano? Rub some sticks together with those arms? He doesn’t have a chance. The guacamole I put on the side is just delicious taunting.
Charley: 1
T-Rex: 0

Round 2: Having a good nickname
Oh, here we go. One of my greatest regrets is not being able to say, “Hi, I’m Charley, but you can call me [SOMETHING REALLY FREAKING COOL].” I’ll always just be “Charley,” so I can’t really compete in a nickname competition. T-Rex is a pretty great nickname, I’ll admit. In fact, I wouldn’t mind a bit if you decided to start calling me that. Even if you do, I can’t win because it was already my opponent’s nickname. I almost found a loophole in that “Charley” and “T-Rex” are both just shortened versions of our given names, thereby making them roughly equal in terms of their reason for existing. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s any doubt which is more awesome. Plus tyrannosaur means “tyrant lizard,” so he’s got another to fall back on.
Charley: 1
T-Rex: 1

Round 3: Doing push-ups
“Look at those scrawny arms! Ah ha ha ha! So cute as they wave frantically about! Oh, here he goes. Look at him shake while trying to maintain that massive body in a push-up position! Whoa, uh oh, WHOA! Flat on his face, ladies and gentlemen!” That was the commentator talking about me during a push-up competition I was in a few years ago. But times have changed. Now my arms don’t wave frantically when I’m about to exercise. Also, T-Rex is even less likely to be good at push ups than I am. Gravity these days being what it is, I doubt he could even do a push-up, though I like to imagine what it would be like if he tried. If this were some sort of leg-strength competition, I’d be in trouble. As it is, doing only one push up wins this one for me, and one push up I can pretty much do.
Charley: 2
T-Rex: 1

Round 4: Being intimidating
Who came up with these categories, anyway?
Charley: 2
T-Rex: 2

Tie-breaker Round: Mysteriously going extinct
I’ve got some advice for you kids. If you have to die under suspicious circumstances to win a competition, you might want to consider the prestige that comes along with being runner-up. Some ass with a silk-screening machine coined the propaganda “second place is the first loser,” but what ever happened to that guy? No one knows, right? It’s probably because he insisted on winning a competition similar to this one, since, you know, no one wants to be “the first loser.” I don’t mind being the first loser, especially if the alternative is starving to death because a meteor has hit the earth, creating a dust cloud that blocks out the sun for years. Or whatever. As far as mysterious extinctions go, the dinosaurs definitely rank right up there — maybe not quite at the level of Jimmy Hoffa or civil liberties (zing!) — but it’s me against T-Rex, so it doesn’t matter where dinosaurs stack up in the larger picture. All T-Rex has to do is out-extinct me, and I’m just going to have to let him. Wow, my record is 0-2 in these things. I’m beginning to feel like the Susan Lucci of the Charley vs. series. Final score:
Charley: 2
T-Rex: 3