Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

My life would not make a good movie. The opening scene wouldn’t suck you in — there’s no hook — and the protagonist isn’t likable. If you paid money to watch a film about my life you would probably walk out before it was over. You might ask for a refund, too, even if you’re not normally the type to do so. I, for one, am well into this thing and I’d like my money back. Why? It isn’t what I expected. It’s not very funny. It’s kind of sad but not enough to be interesting. It’s vulgar, ugly, boring. I keep falling asleep! I’m offended. It made me cry. It’s too long. Or maybe too short. It’s duration is just … off.

Is it always going to be News and Aaahs? No. But probably mostly, at least for a while. What would you like to read here? Film and theatre reviews? Live-blogging from crazy events? Cowboy poetry? Let me know, will you? Let’s make it happen.

Speaking of movies, Tenacious D bombed at the box office, but what did you expect? You didn’t bother to go down and watch it.

Everyone can finally relax. Seriously, calm down, because bad posture is now good for you!

Stephen Colbert got himself a Wii over the retail weekend. Did you?

Freedom is marching across the globe, and it’s due at your place in less than an hour. So you had better wash that filthy neck, son, because this is News and Aaahs for Nov. 29!

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L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa’s veto of the settlement awarded to a firefighter who was allegedly the victim of racism was upheld by the city council today.

The firefighter’s fairer-skinned housemates added dog food to his spaghetti dinner as a hazing joke, they said. The victim of the prank alleges that the incident was racially motivated, and the city council agreed, awarding him $2.7 million.

The mayor vetoed the settlement when pictures surfaced of the dog-food eater participating in a hazing ritual in which he shaved another firefighter’s unmentionables. It is unclear whether the proper moisturizer was later applied to prevent irritation.

Now that the city council voted to uphold the veto, it will either offer another, lower settlement (under the contention, I guess, that the dog-food prank was racially motivated, but that a crotch shaver doesn’t deserve so much money) or the case will go to trial.

Pranksters everywhere fear that a settlement in favor of the victim could have a chilling effect across the board on jests, foolin’, shenanigans, goofs, and even certain antics.

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Me, writing in my notebook on the first day of some College class:

This teacher’s syllabus is so confusing I cannot even formulate a question to try to clear things up.

I don’t know which class it was, but I bet you had to take it at some point too.

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This week the Pope is in Turkey, a Muslim country where his popularity is not polling very high for a variety of reasons, not the least of which were his comments earlier this year that Islam is a religion “spread by the sword.” But one Turkish citizen has decided to seek out the main man for a good old fashioned chit chat.

That citizen is Mehmet Ali Agca, who served 19 years in prison for the attempted assassination of Pope John Paul II in 1981.

‘I (Mehmet Ali Agca) asked the Turkish government to release me for one day so that I can discuss theological issues with (Pope) Ratzinger,’ Agca said in comments passed on by his lawyer Mustafa Demirbag at a news conference.

‘I want to discuss with him religious and mystic issues,’ Demirbag quoted Agca as saying.

Why does Agca need his lawyer to speak for him? Well, he’s in prison, naturally. But wait, he tried to kill the last Pope in 1981, served 19 years … carry the one … shouldn’t he be out by now? Not this guy. He’s currently serving a sentence for a murder that he actually succeeded in committing. The victim was a newspaper editor, with whom Agca said he “just wanted to discuss current events.”

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Lore on bad Superhero names:

It bothers me that Jean Grey doesn’t get a superhero name. And her real name isn’t really that interesting. It’s as if the Avengers included Captain America, Iron Man, Thor and Dave Henderson.

Read the rest here.

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More fallout from the Michael Richards racist rant:

‘We’re not trying to penalize anyone,’ [State Rep. Maxine] Waters said at a news conference at the Los Angeles Sentinel newspaper, ‘but don’t use the N-word, no matter who you are, whether you’re black, white, young or old.’

That’s right, activists and civil leaders are advocating we boycott the N-word. Hey, sure, I’m in. Hell, while I’m at it I guess I’ll also boycott murder, stealing from the Starbucks tip jar, and hiding miniature cameras in the girls’ locker room.

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So is it a civil war, or isn’t it? Hang on, hang on, I’m thinking.

I have it!

Does it really matter what we call it? It’s a diddly dang dong dee doodly diddle. See, much better.

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The intro part of News and Aaahs is like a warm-up act. All the great performers have them. So do the mediocre performers. And some of us have to warm-up the crowd all on our own. This is the closing. It’s supposed to be better than the opening, and I think it is. Because it signals the end.

photo:laffy4k

By Charley Daniels

It was a slow weekend for news. It was also a slow weekend for brain activity here at Weblog Sin Pies. Probaby the tryptophan. Or the cranial hematoma.

Cool weather creeped in over the last few days, prompting many a “brrrrrrr” and even some premature flip-flop storage. What a pain! That’s right, it dipped into the low 60s and even high 50s in L.A., and you know what that means: It’s time to start thinking about tax season.

Ha ha! Just kidding. It’s time to start thinking about winter sports season, which is already started, is coming right up, has just ended, or is about halfway over, depending on your location in the world. Don’t break a leg this year! Again!

Hey, have you checked out the sponsor links at the top of the page? If you like comics, you may want to give them a try. Many of the advertisers on Project Wonderful are online comics. They’re not all great, but there’s something for everyone, no doubt. I don’t make any money when you click through, by the way, so this isn’t just a shameless way to score some cash.

Speaking of pointless endeavors, vote Libertarian in 2008 because this is News and Aaahs for Nov. 26!

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Illustrating exactly how slow the weekend was in terms of current events, Kramer’s racist rampage managed to stay near the top of the headlines. Michael Richards went on Jesse Jackson’s radio show to try to explain himself. He feels real bad; he doesn’t know what came over him, etc. Meanwhile, the targets of the tirade want a personal apology. Some sort of monetary compensation might even be necessary to heal the wounds completely.

‘It is not enough to go on television and say “I’m sorry,”’ Allred said. ‘We are issuing a challenge to Michael Richards.’

I’m sure that the complainants are going to ask Richards to donate money to the NAACP or a similar organization. I mean, right?

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A poem by me, circa 2000:

You twirl round through each little space,
holding steadier than leather, satin, or lace.

Yet you bend to fit each subtle contour.
It’s awesome to know you’re whom I was meant for.

The only thing is, you’ll rust in the weather
because you’re the spiral that holds my notebook together.

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Just because I spent the weekend without a care in the world doesn’t mean I wasn’t discovering interesting new tidbits, such as the existence of Screeched, the Dustin Diamond sex video.

It was an interesting tidbit, though not really surprising at all. Were you surprised? Diamond was Screech on Saved by the Bell, in case you don’t know. And his latest endeavor isn’t so great, according to the review. How about now — surprised yet? I know you’re still curious, so follow that link with caution if you’re at work, though those looking to catch a glimpse of the little man’s little man will be mercifully disappointed.

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Kathryn Johnston was killed in a shootout with police when narcotics officers attempted to serve a warranted and she opend fire, injuring three of the them. By the way, she was 92.

Authorities said the agents got a search warrant for her home after buying drugs from a man there that afternoon. Police said the plainclothes agents identified themselves, but when they knocked down Johnston’s door, she opened fire and injured three of the officers.

…

Johnston’s neighbors and relatives have called the raid a case of mistaken identity. Her niece said there were no drugs in the home.

Now, I’m not a police sympathizer by any means, but come on. Drugs or not, she did shoot three people. I don’t think anyone deserves to be killed, but have you ever tried arguing with a really old lady?

Or when someone is shooting at you do you attempt to figure out how old he or she is before you defend yourself in some way? I certainly do, for I am the armchair enforcer!

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Have a swift five-day week, if you can, and be sure to pick up that expensive X-mas present that someone you know is just dying for. After all, if you can’t express your holiday spirit through commerce, well, how the hell else can you express it?

By Charley Daniels
Aaaaand we’re back! Sorry for the meltdown, folks. What can I say? Technology is — if I can borrow the immortal words of Arge — like a golden hand grenade: beautiful but deadly. He’s usually talking about his cards during a game of rummy when he says that, but it still applies. A fistful of face cards = explosive precious metals = Weblog Sin Pies and its inner workings. Hey, I could go for a game of rummy right now. Who couldn’t?

Speaking of politics, how are U.S. relations with Turkey these days? Come tomorrow, political pundits agree, relations will be delicious. On Thanksgiving night many Americans will keel over after ingesting massive amounts of the dreaded tryptophan, an amino acid in turkey that gets the blame for causing drowsiness while six slices of pie, two pounds of potatoes, and three bottles of wine whistle nonchalantly in the corner.

I wonder if the few days immediately following Thanksgiving are the sewage industry’s busy time of the year.

My arch rival on the JV track team in 10th grade was from Turkey. His name was Baki, and he always beat me — even at my best event, the 200m. That is, until the district track meet, when I finally edged him and took home the silver medal. The guy who got gold was faster than us both. Maybe he should have been my arch rival.

Speaking of hilaresy (a word I just made up that combines my two favorite things, hilarity and heresy): “It’s fun to stay at the …”

Hey, what’s that smell? Oh, it’s News and Aaahs for Nov. 22!

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Kramer, say it ain’t so.

Upon some reportedly light heckling from a pair of African-American audience members, [Michael] Richards unveiled a new catchphrase, ‘Fifty years ago we’d have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass,’ one he’d hoped would supplant any oft-intoned Seinfeld quips about masturbation contests or the efficacy of butter as a tanning aid. Unfortunately, the less elegant N-bomb-laced follow-up to his lynching bon mot ensured that various media outlets, looking for a quick hook, will go with “Kramer’s Racist Tirade,” setting back his efforts at leaving the character behind.

Wow. He apologized later, during Jerry Seinfeld’s appearance on Letterman’s show, though I can’t figure out which clip is more uncomfortable. (Okay, yes I can, but it’s closer than you would think.)

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It’s funny that it took public outrage to make News Corp realize it was a bad idea to have OJ Simpson describe how he hypothetically would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Well, public outrage and/or advertiser outrage. Sometimes the decency police get one right, though I have to admit I was morbidly fascinated by the idea of the book. What tone do you take in a “How I murdered my ex-wife…hypothetically, of course” book — for which I doubt the Dewey Decimal System has an adequate classification. WHat section would it go in? Fiction With a Wink?

Anyway, no book or TV special for OJ, reports Fox News.

Simpson told The Associated Press in a phone interview late Monday he could not comment on the situation ‘until I know legally where I stand.’

He needs to know where he stands legally? Maybe he’s referring to double jeopardy? I think you’re in the clear, Juice! And hey, if you’re good at something — getting away with murder, for example — why not try to capitalize on your talent? Especially if you owe someone a lot of money for whatever reason. That’s the American way!

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Hey, what a coincidence: the Pope plans to visit Turkey (the country) next week. It’s a rough trip for El Papa, considering he’s polling high on Islamic militants’ most-bombable list.

Turkey — which is striving to show the world it is a modern country ready to join the European Union — is sparing no effort to make sure the visit passes without a hitch: an army of snipers, bomb disposal experts, riot police and anti-terrorism agents will deploy at each of Benedict’s stops.

You may recall the Pope making some sort of snide remark about Islam. I’m tired of looking up articles, so just trust me. The upcoming trip will be his first visit to a Muslim country since that remark and the fallout it caused. There’s really no joke here, just the Turkey-Thanksgiving connection. What? What do you want from me?

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Feeling dirty? Wash yourself…with poop soap. Clean as a whistle!

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A lot has been going on since last I posted, but it’s easier just to forget about all of that. Oh okay, I guess we can give a rundown of some of the top things:

Lots of people died in Iraq — and I mean lots.

Midterm elections went well for the Democrats, who are now charged with screwing everything up in a completely different way than the outgoing Republican Congress did. Go to it, politicos!

Britney and K-Fed suddenly fell out of love.

Borat got punched. It sucks for him, but it did give me a bit of insight into Sacha Baron Cohen that made me like him even more: He was out pretending to be Borat with no cameras around, which ostensibly means he’s in this more for his own amusement than the amusement of others. This makes him that much funnier.

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Have a great holiday weekend, everyone! Don’t forget to eat until you puke on Thursday and then shop until you wear out your sneakers on Friday. Then buy some new sneakers! After all, what’s the use of being the richest nation in the world if we can’t throw around food and money like the Romans? You know, just before the fall of their emp … uh, never mind.

By Charley Daniels

It looks like things are going to be restored to normal around here in the next few days. There was some sort of DB malfunction, which caused all of the contents of the site to vanish. I don’t really know how it all works. Magic? Anyway, all your inane comments have not been in vain!

Maybe you noticed the new advertising space above the header? It’s Project Wonderful! Not only does it have the best name ever, it’s an great new way to buy and sell Internet advertising. As you can see, my current sponsors are paying zero dollars for that advertising space. When (if?) demand increases, that rate will go up, auction-style.

Project Wonderful is the brainchild of Ryan North, the man behind Dinosaur Comics. That’s all I needed to know. “Here’s my credit card number, Mr. North.” Maybe I’ll become awesome by association.
This ad stuff doesn’t mean much for the average person who happens by here, except it will (in theory) inspire me to work on this thing more regularly.

I’m also still looking for regular contributors. If you’re funny, smart, and literate, I’d like to talk to you. Too much? Okay, if you’re any two out of those three, I’d like to talk to you. Send an e-mail to my name @sinpies.com. My name is Charley.

Updates and archives by the end of the week!

Weblog Sin Pies is currently experiencing a complete freaking meltdown. We apologize for the inconvenience and hope to have our crap together shortly.