Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels
Aaaaand we’re back! Sorry for the meltdown, folks. What can I say? Technology is — if I can borrow the immortal words of Arge — like a golden hand grenade: beautiful but deadly. He’s usually talking about his cards during a game of rummy when he says that, but it still applies. A fistful of face cards = explosive precious metals = Weblog Sin Pies and its inner workings. Hey, I could go for a game of rummy right now. Who couldn’t?

Speaking of politics, how are U.S. relations with Turkey these days? Come tomorrow, political pundits agree, relations will be delicious. On Thanksgiving night many Americans will keel over after ingesting massive amounts of the dreaded tryptophan, an amino acid in turkey that gets the blame for causing drowsiness while six slices of pie, two pounds of potatoes, and three bottles of wine whistle nonchalantly in the corner.

I wonder if the few days immediately following Thanksgiving are the sewage industry’s busy time of the year.

My arch rival on the JV track team in 10th grade was from Turkey. His name was Baki, and he always beat me — even at my best event, the 200m. That is, until the district track meet, when I finally edged him and took home the silver medal. The guy who got gold was faster than us both. Maybe he should have been my arch rival.

Speaking of hilaresy (a word I just made up that combines my two favorite things, hilarity and heresy): “It’s fun to stay at the …”

Hey, what’s that smell? Oh, it’s News and Aaahs for Nov. 22!

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Kramer, say it ain’t so.

Upon some reportedly light heckling from a pair of African-American audience members, [Michael] Richards unveiled a new catchphrase, ‘Fifty years ago we’d have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass,’ one he’d hoped would supplant any oft-intoned Seinfeld quips about masturbation contests or the efficacy of butter as a tanning aid. Unfortunately, the less elegant N-bomb-laced follow-up to his lynching bon mot ensured that various media outlets, looking for a quick hook, will go with “Kramer’s Racist Tirade,” setting back his efforts at leaving the character behind.

Wow. He apologized later, during Jerry Seinfeld’s appearance on Letterman’s show, though I can’t figure out which clip is more uncomfortable. (Okay, yes I can, but it’s closer than you would think.)

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It’s funny that it took public outrage to make News Corp realize it was a bad idea to have OJ Simpson describe how he hypothetically would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Well, public outrage and/or advertiser outrage. Sometimes the decency police get one right, though I have to admit I was morbidly fascinated by the idea of the book. What tone do you take in a “How I murdered my ex-wife…hypothetically, of course” book — for which I doubt the Dewey Decimal System has an adequate classification. WHat section would it go in? Fiction With a Wink?

Anyway, no book or TV special for OJ, reports Fox News.

Simpson told The Associated Press in a phone interview late Monday he could not comment on the situation ‘until I know legally where I stand.’

He needs to know where he stands legally? Maybe he’s referring to double jeopardy? I think you’re in the clear, Juice! And hey, if you’re good at something — getting away with murder, for example — why not try to capitalize on your talent? Especially if you owe someone a lot of money for whatever reason. That’s the American way!

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Hey, what a coincidence: the Pope plans to visit Turkey (the country) next week. It’s a rough trip for El Papa, considering he’s polling high on Islamic militants’ most-bombable list.

Turkey — which is striving to show the world it is a modern country ready to join the European Union — is sparing no effort to make sure the visit passes without a hitch: an army of snipers, bomb disposal experts, riot police and anti-terrorism agents will deploy at each of Benedict’s stops.

You may recall the Pope making some sort of snide remark about Islam. I’m tired of looking up articles, so just trust me. The upcoming trip will be his first visit to a Muslim country since that remark and the fallout it caused. There’s really no joke here, just the Turkey-Thanksgiving connection. What? What do you want from me?

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Feeling dirty? Wash yourself…with poop soap. Clean as a whistle!

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A lot has been going on since last I posted, but it’s easier just to forget about all of that. Oh okay, I guess we can give a rundown of some of the top things:

Lots of people died in Iraq — and I mean lots.

Midterm elections went well for the Democrats, who are now charged with screwing everything up in a completely different way than the outgoing Republican Congress did. Go to it, politicos!

Britney and K-Fed suddenly fell out of love.

Borat got punched. It sucks for him, but it did give me a bit of insight into Sacha Baron Cohen that made me like him even more: He was out pretending to be Borat with no cameras around, which ostensibly means he’s in this more for his own amusement than the amusement of others. This makes him that much funnier.

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Have a great holiday weekend, everyone! Don’t forget to eat until you puke on Thursday and then shop until you wear out your sneakers on Friday. Then buy some new sneakers! After all, what’s the use of being the richest nation in the world if we can’t throw around food and money like the Romans? You know, just before the fall of their emp … uh, never mind.