Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

My life would not make a good movie. The opening scene wouldn’t suck you in — there’s no hook — and the protagonist isn’t likable. If you paid money to watch a film about my life you would probably walk out before it was over. You might ask for a refund, too, even if you’re not normally the type to do so. I, for one, am well into this thing and I’d like my money back. Why? It isn’t what I expected. It’s not very funny. It’s kind of sad but not enough to be interesting. It’s vulgar, ugly, boring. I keep falling asleep! I’m offended. It made me cry. It’s too long. Or maybe too short. It’s duration is just … off.

Is it always going to be News and Aaahs? No. But probably mostly, at least for a while. What would you like to read here? Film and theatre reviews? Live-blogging from crazy events? Cowboy poetry? Let me know, will you? Let’s make it happen.

Speaking of movies, Tenacious D bombed at the box office, but what did you expect? You didn’t bother to go down and watch it.

Everyone can finally relax. Seriously, calm down, because bad posture is now good for you!

Stephen Colbert got himself a Wii over the retail weekend. Did you?

Freedom is marching across the globe, and it’s due at your place in less than an hour. So you had better wash that filthy neck, son, because this is News and Aaahs for Nov. 29!

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L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa’s veto of the settlement awarded to a firefighter who was allegedly the victim of racism was upheld by the city council today.

The firefighter’s fairer-skinned housemates added dog food to his spaghetti dinner as a hazing joke, they said. The victim of the prank alleges that the incident was racially motivated, and the city council agreed, awarding him $2.7 million.

The mayor vetoed the settlement when pictures surfaced of the dog-food eater participating in a hazing ritual in which he shaved another firefighter’s unmentionables. It is unclear whether the proper moisturizer was later applied to prevent irritation.

Now that the city council voted to uphold the veto, it will either offer another, lower settlement (under the contention, I guess, that the dog-food prank was racially motivated, but that a crotch shaver doesn’t deserve so much money) or the case will go to trial.

Pranksters everywhere fear that a settlement in favor of the victim could have a chilling effect across the board on jests, foolin’, shenanigans, goofs, and even certain antics.

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Me, writing in my notebook on the first day of some College class:

This teacher’s syllabus is so confusing I cannot even formulate a question to try to clear things up.

I don’t know which class it was, but I bet you had to take it at some point too.

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This week the Pope is in Turkey, a Muslim country where his popularity is not polling very high for a variety of reasons, not the least of which were his comments earlier this year that Islam is a religion “spread by the sword.” But one Turkish citizen has decided to seek out the main man for a good old fashioned chit chat.

That citizen is Mehmet Ali Agca, who served 19 years in prison for the attempted assassination of Pope John Paul II in 1981.

‘I (Mehmet Ali Agca) asked the Turkish government to release me for one day so that I can discuss theological issues with (Pope) Ratzinger,’ Agca said in comments passed on by his lawyer Mustafa Demirbag at a news conference.

‘I want to discuss with him religious and mystic issues,’ Demirbag quoted Agca as saying.

Why does Agca need his lawyer to speak for him? Well, he’s in prison, naturally. But wait, he tried to kill the last Pope in 1981, served 19 years … carry the one … shouldn’t he be out by now? Not this guy. He’s currently serving a sentence for a murder that he actually succeeded in committing. The victim was a newspaper editor, with whom Agca said he “just wanted to discuss current events.”

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Lore on bad Superhero names:

It bothers me that Jean Grey doesn’t get a superhero name. And her real name isn’t really that interesting. It’s as if the Avengers included Captain America, Iron Man, Thor and Dave Henderson.

Read the rest here.

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More fallout from the Michael Richards racist rant:

‘We’re not trying to penalize anyone,’ [State Rep. Maxine] Waters said at a news conference at the Los Angeles Sentinel newspaper, ‘but don’t use the N-word, no matter who you are, whether you’re black, white, young or old.’

That’s right, activists and civil leaders are advocating we boycott the N-word. Hey, sure, I’m in. Hell, while I’m at it I guess I’ll also boycott murder, stealing from the Starbucks tip jar, and hiding miniature cameras in the girls’ locker room.

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So is it a civil war, or isn’t it? Hang on, hang on, I’m thinking.

I have it!

Does it really matter what we call it? It’s a diddly dang dong dee doodly diddle. See, much better.

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The intro part of News and Aaahs is like a warm-up act. All the great performers have them. So do the mediocre performers. And some of us have to warm-up the crowd all on our own. This is the closing. It’s supposed to be better than the opening, and I think it is. Because it signals the end.

photo:laffy4k