Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Despite the resilience of laziness, many humans attempt to feel better and look better by engaging in rigorous physical activity. Exercise: tried and true, clinically proven, user approved. But how did anyone see the potential for a workout to improve our appearance and health? I mean, during a workout most people appear to be at their worst: ready to burst at the neck or sweat to death, all the while making noises and faces that don’t seem very healthy or even human. We know how it looks and feels to be lazy, and we know (or at least we can imagine) what it looks and feels like to have exercised. What we don’t pay enough attention to is that piece of between time when we are in the act of conditioning ourselves. Exercising is easily the most painful way to feel good and the ugliest way to become attractive, so let’s assess certain exercises during which many of us misplace our inhibitions while eyeing our goal.

Bench Press
An ideal exercise to prepare you for getting unstuck if something falls on your chest while you sleep, the bench press requires a bench and something to press, as the name implies. That thing can be a bar with weights on the end, or a lovely assistant. The former is most common. While I bench press I like to yell things, such as, “Stay back!” and “Take that!” and pretend I’m pushing someone out of my way. It helps to take my mind off the fact that I’m exercising. Judging by the looks I get, however, it does not make the bench press any more appealing to watch. The presence of a spotter — someone to save you if you’ve overestimated your strength — is optional, but often useful. Do not discover this the hard way.
The look: Prone and pumping, eclipsed by inhuman grunting.
The feel: Like being clotheslined by Mr. T.

Squat Thrusts
Which is more attractive — squatting or thrusting? Here is a question much like the one about the chicken and the egg. Both present two options, both deal with nature, and both cannot be answered and therefore are not good discussion topics for parties. When attempting a squat thrust, the most permanent damage can occur during the thrust, but do not underestimate the difficulty of the squat. Note: you should probably take a long, hard look at your goals in life if you attend many parties where the discussion is often about squatting and/or thrusting. But even still, maybe you should invite me to the next one — for research purposes — so I can confirm that these types of parties are as overrated as this type of exercise.
The look: Pure idiocy.
The feel: Stretched on the medieval rack.

Running
When I was younger and less sophisticated, I would say that running was necessary only when one needed to escape from something — “like the cops,” I would add, humorously. Of course, I am older now, and I know that it is actually better to hide or blend in with a crowd when eluding the authorities. Regarding running as exercise, it definitely varies. You can go for a run outside or stay for a run inside on the treadmill. Either way, it is one of the most common and cheapest ways to become attractive and feel better. But during?
The look: Stuff bouncing, both good and bad. Bad infinitely more prominent.
The feel: Burning and wheezing are also the symptoms of many chronic illnesses.

Stair Climb
Here is an exercise that may stir to life memories of the days before elevators and escalators began whirring plump people to their upper-level destinations. I’m only 27, so there never was a time in my life when elevators and escalators weren’t around. That in mind, the stair climb machine brings back awful, 20-year-old memories of having to ascend what seemed like endless flights of stairs in our two-story, elevator-less apartment building. My childhood penchant for melodrama is made relevant in the lack of destination that the stair-climb machine offers. Plus, climbing stairs makes my shorts ride up.
The look: Making an endless ascent, sporting an endless wedgie.
The feel: Any nostalgia is irrelevant next to the sense of noncomplishment.

Avoiding Creepy Locker-Room Guy
Though not necessarily a part of the average workout, I assure you that I burn many calories steering clear of Creepy Locker-Room Guy. Ducking, dodging, and diving are the order of the day when dealing with this guy’s unwavering gawk and serial-killer smile. He is much more ominous in the exposed arena of the locker room, as any creepy person would be, but his nuisance is strengthened by the fact that he can leave the locker room, be completely dressed, in a room full of people, and still somehow manage to be creepy. He is less bothersome now that I am in outstanding shape, though, because I know I could easily push him out of my way with these glistening, bench-press muscles; outrun him with my new stamina; or quickly ascend a flight of stairs if the need arose. In a dire situation I could lose him around a corner and then squat behind something with the intention of thrusting at him in a bone-breaking sneak attack. He is still creepy, but less threatening, thanks to these new possibilities of countermeasure. Maybe all of this exercise will prove useful yet.