Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

I was defeated in my first two matches, and in retrospect it’s not that surprising. I’m pretty sure I was too ambitious. This time around, I’m picking on someone my own size: Gandhi. So maybe he’s smaller than I am and not prone to confrontation, and maybe I’m sort of an ass for making this challenge. But I need a win, dammit! And to be great, you have to beat great people at seemingly unimportant endeavors. So, I thought, who better to compete against than someone who basically won’t fight back but is known worldwide as a great human being? Having a competitive spirit goes hand-in-hand with being brutal, I’ve read, while pacifists generally take a milder approach to achieving their goals. So long as the categories aren’t “fasting,” “civil disobedience,” or “inspiring millions with the power of your convictions,” I should be able to eke out a victory and start the climb back to an even record. Let’s get it on!

Round 1: Civil disobedience
OH COME ON.
Gandhi: 1
Charley: 0

Round 2: Drunken friendly wrestling that turns serious
Now we’re talking. I don’t think there’s any doubt about who would win this round, but if you’re unsure maybe you should come over here and I’ll choke some sense into you. You know, after a few beers. You see, I’m generally not aggressive, but once in a while drunken wrestling can get out of hand, and when it does, watch out! I’d choke the hell out of anyone, including my own mother, if he or she looked at me the wrong way during a drunken wrestling match. I wish I could say that Gandhi would be an exception, but I’m afraid that’s just not the case.
Gandhi: 1
Charley: 1

Round 3: Halo 2 deathmatch
I’m gripping my Xbox controller firmly, slightly tense but unafraid. If I lose at Halo 2 to Gandhi, I should probably just throw in the towel for this whole competition; do you know what I mean? On the screen I’m looking through my scope, scanning the expansive, incredibly nonpixelated green fields. The red base, about 200 yards away, is a stout little fortress surrounded by high rock walls. There’s a tank and a jeep parked in its shadow. Deserted — or so it seems. He’s out there. Somewhere. The only movement comes from the waving red flag, a tattered cloth covered with obscure symbols drawn by some geek with an awesome job. His claim to fame. As I consider the ridiculous direction my own life has taken — playing video games with a long-dead cultural icon? — my wandering thoughts are interrupted by motion at the edge of my scope. I adjust slightly and zoom in. It’s my opponent, zig-zagging gracelessly out from behind the base. He keeps switching weapons back and forth, back and forth. He throws a grenade, looks embarassed, throws another. He jumps, jumps again. Now he’s crouching and spinning around. I recognize this rookie behavior: He’s trying to find the button for peaceful resistance. Unfortunately, this video game doesn’t have that.
Gandhi: 1
Charley: 2

Round 4: Things we’ve said
him: “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”
me: “I told you military incursions don’t have to be all testosterone and frowns.”

him: “There are many causes that I am prepared to die for but no causes that I am prepared to kill for.”
me: “I’m comfortable gratuitously referring to myself as a self-motivated multitasking team player who thinks outside the box in his quest to stay competitive in deadline-oriented, fast-paced working environments.”

him: “Hate the sin, love the sinner.”
me: “When I think about having to clean my Ikea-brand garlic press I get homicidal.”

Gandhi: 2
Charley: 2

Round 5: Pressing on when the odds are overwhelmingly against you
That’s it. I give up.
Gandhi: 3
Charley: 2