Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

At some point during my painfully optimistic formative years as a writer, I crafted an essay about election reform that suggested taking a cue from the animal kingdom. The basic gist of the article was:

Whoever kicks the most ass is in charge.

I believe that’s a direct quote. Yes, I was a real Hemingway. This was right around the time one of my writing professors remarked to a class full of people that “Charley is like Dave Barry, only more sarcastic.” It was a technical writing course, and the teacher did not mean this as a compliment.

Anyway, I was reminded of the election essay yesterday when Mike sent me this video:

Direct link

My ideas about how to pick a president were crap compared with this method. Whoever kicks the most ass? That’s not a reliable selection criterion. It’s whoever can get his or her ass kicked and still make sound executive decisions — that’s who should be in charge. Ball-kicking tolerance is an even better litmus.

Basically: Iron crotch for president in 2008!

The guys in that video even resemble our candidates in some ways. Look at that last contestant — the one on the end. He’s like Fred Thompson: not sure whether to enter the race at all. Except, if the election involved a smack in the nards, we might sympathize with him instead of suspecting he’s skirting campaign law.

Of course, you might think Hillary would be a lock if we elected the leader of the free world based on who could take the most crotch punishment, but I’d wager Mitt Romney can take a real beating down there. Interpret that any way you choose.

By Mike Bijon

There aren’t many things that will get Americans upset. Neither crime waves nor bad driving are a big deal unless they think someone is going to carry off their 90-inch screen or dent their shiny, leased wondercar. Whatever the reasons, many of us are content putting our feet up and watching TV, chatting on the phone, or doing both while surfing the internet … meanwhile our way of life is under attack.

Thieves and armed criminals are shutting down digital TV signals, wireless phone systems, and the internet*. It’s even more personal for us, two of Sin Pies’ seven daily visitors haven’t seen the site since the middle of last week. The story of this internet outage is pretty ridiculous: Some thieves cut a major cable hoping it was made from copper that they could cart off and sell. Oops, the cable was a big fiber optic line and worthless to them, but very important to digital TV, phone, and internet signals. The phone or cable worker-people, who aren’t known for working fast at any time, showed up to fix the line and found out that the spare cable had been shot full of holes.

That’s right. American thieves and people shooting guns off in urban areas are slowing down the internet and making it hard to call Mom and watch endless baseball this weekend. This is an outrage! Call out the Department of Homeland Security and look into this. What kind of world is it when I have to leave the house to find something to do?

By Mike Bijon

I’m not even sure where to start with this one:

I know where to end, though: I need to complain less when things go wrong.

By Charley Daniels

My friend Robert came over and watched So You Think You Can Dance, which inspired him to write about ways to make the show better:

Imagine this - the entire dancefloor has hidden danger spots. If one or both of the dancers happen to step on this spot, one of many ‘dangers’ can happen to them! Some ideas: springboard, flames, sandbags drop from ceiling, tiger gets released, super bright strobe light turns on, floor starts shaking, etc.

That would be better! His post inspired me to make a poll at BuzzDash:

What will this post inspire you to do?

By Charley Daniels

This guy totally pulls an Isabelle:

(Continued)