Weblog Sin Pies

By Mike Bijon

A Texas woman and her neighbors believe they may have found the bodies of three chupacabras near their ranches in the town of Cuero. Their discovery is getting large amounts of national news coverage this weekend because A) nothing new happened in Iraq, Iran, or with any US economic report that the American public wouldn’t be bored to tears by, and B) the woman, Phylis, can’t be easily dismissed as a normal crazy American because she hacked the head off one of the alleged chupacabra bodies and stashed it in her freezer to proove what she found.

The real story, however, is that global warming has pushed a creature normally sighted in South America so far north (according to Wikipedia the chupacabra is normally sighted in Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Argentina, Bolivia, Chile, Colombia, Honduras, El Salvador, Panama, Peru, Brazil, and Mexico). At long last environmentalists and Texas ranchers have a common enemy to rally around. Once it’s gene-tested and identified it still won’t matter what the Creature of Cuero turns out to be descended from.

Chupacabra or not, it’s eating ranchers’ animals and is real enough that they’ll be looking to hunt them down and kill them all. Environmentalists already up in arms about the population of feral cats killing small, endangered animals throughout Texas will also be looking for the chupacabra’s head. As history (and the US occupation of Iraq) has shown, there’s nothing that will settle disagreements like the blood thirst for a common enemy.