Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

GRANTS PASS, Ore. — Vacation day No. 7. What happened?

> I don’t know how my family eats the way they do and stays normal-looking. I’d be 900 pounds and diabetic. One morning for breakfast someone (I forget who) ordered French toast with a side of hashbrowns. That’s breakfast-ese for “cake with a side of fries.” First meal of the day, might as well start fantastically. Yes, I’m jealous.

> I went rafting today for the first time in at least four or five years. It was beautiful and awesome. The second official Charley Daniels Best Beast Award goes to blue herons. They’re all over up here. I saw one walking around in the middle of the river in a place where I needed a boat to get by. How does he do it? I also saw turtles, which get an honorable mention for being so well armored. Oh, and yes, I fell out of my boat. Got my ass kicked by a rapid called Dunn Riffle, which sounds like a froofy dessert, so that’s embarrassing.

> Rafting reminded me that I’ll always prefer drifting quietly through nature rather than tearing through it on a loud machine. Quads and snowmobiles are fun, sure, but give me rafts and snowshoes any day. This area is amazing, and if you live here it’s easy to take it for granted. Also, out of dozens and dozens of times floating the Rogue River, this was the first I’d done it while drinking, which is never as easy on a motorized vehicle.

> Corollary to those last two: River rapids are graded on a class system based on, well, something (too lazy to look). I think they should revise it to be based on how easy it is to drink a beer while running the rapid in a one-man boat. So, say, if you’re running the rapid and you can continue holding the beer and even take a drink, that might be a Class 1. If you have to squeeze your beer between your knees so you can use your hands to keep the boat under control, that might be a Class 2 or a Class 3 rapid. If your beer is not going to make it no matter where you wedge it, that might be a Class 4 or a Class 5 rapid, which we will definitely try to avoid.

> The first official Best Beast Award went to emus, which are ugly and have interesting personalities and cute babies and if this seems like a good time for a “hilarious” joke about me being ugly and having an interesting personality, please keep it to yourself. I’ll have pictures from our Wildlife Safari trip when I get back to L.A. That’ll be its own post, I’m thinking.

> Played some poker against a bunch of old people in Canyonville. Mostly uneventful, but when I got up to leave, one of the dealers announced to the room: “Charley Daniels, thanks for playing poker with us.” Forty crimson necks lifted excited heads into the air and swiveled the excited heads around. Then, all deservedly, like I was used to the attention, I said to the room, “Thanks for having me.” And forty hicks were instantly disappointed.

> It’s not drinking alone if you Twitter about it, according to Lore Sjöberg.

> I can’t even imagine going back into the office at this point. What did I do there? Something with words, I think. Or was it something with dishes? Or ladders? See, I can’t even imagine.

> Reunion! I’m trying to get enthusiastic. There will be live twittering. The thing officially starts around 6:30 p.m. PT Saturday night.