Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

If I were an elementary school teacher, just for fun and science I’d implement “bring an extra lunch day,” in which all the children who brought their lunch from home would be required to bring an extra, identical lunch with them. Then we’d do an experiment to see how many kid-sized lunches one elementary school teacher could eat before he was full.

Other fun experiments include “How many kids fit in this thing?” “How long can you kids keep quiet, or else?” and my favorite, “How many drinks can teachers have in one afternoon?”

But don’t get me wrong, it isn’t all exciting science in my classroom. There’s plenty of math and social studies and boring crap like that, because that helps the kids appreciate my fun experiments that much more.

Another cool thing about being in my class is that I’m constantly calling in sick, even if I’m not really sick. That way my students will get to be treated to the viewpoints of many different teachers, rather than just one. It’s sort of like college, but the kids are still in elementary school. I think we can all agree that’s progressive education.

I like to assure parents that I never take it upon myself to discipline the kids, either. I firmly believe punishment is a parent-kid activity, and it’s something I just won’t do, no matter how hard I want to. In fact, when a student gets really rowdy and talks back to me, there’s a good chance I’ll break down sobbing and run from the room to call my mom, who lives in Oregon. Why are kids so mean?

The best part of having me as a teacher is my “summer tutoring” program, where I take turns living with a select few of my students during the summer vacation. It’s completely free to qualifying families and includes the tutoring, as well as my availability for dinners with the child’s mom and his or her dad, too, unless he’s super busy. All you have to do is provide me with my own room and all the food and drinks I want for the duration of my stay, which is determined by how well the needy kid responds to my tutoring. To apply for the program, just send a picture of the kid and his or her mom to the school, addressed to my attention.

And please, don’t nominate me for any of those dopey “teacher of the decade” awards. Seriously. I don’t want any publicity here. I just want to continue on with my fun experiments and my quality time with students’ moms or other guardians or whatever. I’m not doing this for me. It’s for the kids.