Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

If you’ve been arrested and had to post bail or were otherwise not released on your own recognizance, this blog post is not for you, and you are now trespassing here. I doubt you want me to call the police with that record you have, am I right?

For the rest of you, the mostly upstanding citizens that comprise my reading audience, a question: Do you know who you would call if you got arrested? Okay, I know, that question might inspire certain reactions. Chuckles? Eye rolls? Whatever, but it’s actually a good question, so try to come along with me here.

If you’re like me, you’re generally law-abiding (except for the laws that don’t count, like speed limits in L.A. and “laws” that interfere with fun), but you might occasionally find yourself hanging with people who will almost certainly get arrested at some point and will likely take you down with them. Through no fault of your own, certainly.

But who are you going to call when it happens? You can’t call the friend most likely to get arrested too, for obvious reasons. So who? WHO?!

If you’re cycling through names in your head — your significant other, for instance, or a close relative — just stop right now, because that’s not how this works, amateur. You can’t decide before you know what you did. So, for example, you’re hooked up for civil disobedience after chaining yourself to a tree to protest deforestation. Pretty benign — even heroic to some. Call whoever. Now, you’re accused (they can’t prove anything, you were just giving her a ride, she was actually kidnapping you) of attempting some shenanigans that you really don’t want most people to know about. Who do you call now? Yeah, see, it’s a little different.

And because you’re probably drunk, since that’s how these things often happen, you’re not thinking straight and you might not realize that there’s a spectrum to this crime stuff. You might call the wrong person to get your ass out of jail!

That’s why you should just call me if you get arrested. I’ve got a decent-sized car and nothing going on. Best of all, my fees are reasonable and I never judge. I also operate with the utmost discretion, so you never have to worry about your dirt winding up all over the internet*.

Don’t wait until it’s too late. Take down my number right now, so you’re prepared when the inevitable happens. You won’t be sorry.

*Especially if you join my subscription service, where you pay a low monthly fee so that I keep quiet