Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

I don’t even know what I’m doing. You know? Some days, I just get up, do my morning thing, put on my neutron sandals, and hover off to the station. But what I am really doing on those days?

Other days I stay in the bunker, sequencing genes and sharpening sticks. I’ll watch old LaserDiscs of 1940s science and eat Pop Tarts and beer for lunch. But even on those days I sometimes have to walk over to the mirror, wipe away the ants, and wonder aloud what the hell I’m even doing.

When you think about your life, all the little choices and chances that led you to the place you are right now, it’s probably just one wild coincidence after another, right? Right. So what are you doing? Are you doing what you really want to be doing? Are you skiing on lava? Are you training dolphins to fire a rifle? Are you inventing real-life Smurfs? Well, what are you doing? Maybe you’re grooming your unicorn or spending way too much time talking to a stump, at which point I’m sure you take a step back and question what you’re actually doing.

My guess is, you’re doing something close to what you want to be doing, or something that’s exactly like what you want to be doing, or something not very close to what you want to be doing, or something you totally don’t want to be doing. Don’t freak; I’m pretty good at guessing stuff. But even if it’s exactly what you want, is it really? Or is it just what you think you should want to be doing? I bet it’s really healthy to question what you’re doing, because then you don’t get too complacent.

Do you ever drive along the road, maybe going twice as fast as the law allows and twice as drunk too, and wonder what you’re doing? And does that lead you to a further internal discussion about physics and destiny and whether there really is such a thing as dying “instantly” or “on impact”? If so, that’s pretty messed up, and instead of wondering what you’re doing, you should be wondering about a therapist and when her next available appointment is.

On the days when I’m tricking my neighbors into thinking that we’re under attack or trying to teach a llama to play the piano, it’s not uncommon for me to wonder what I’m doing with this life. What could I have been? What could I still be, if I make different choices from now on? What is a choice, really, but “the mental process of thinking involved with the process of judging the merits of multiple options and selecting one of them for action.” You know?

By Charley Daniels

[via hodg-man]

By Charley Daniels

So I was completing my LinkedIn profile, mostly because I like to find excuses to stay up way too late, and totally not because I’m hoping to make new connections on there that might lead me to a different job and maybe even a completely new career path (beekeeper beekeeper oh please beeeeeeekeeper). Not that at all.

Anyway, I was doing the LinkedIn thing and it was mocking me with its “your profile is only 75% complete” taunt, which meant I had to put a picture on there (5% for such an easy task!). So I was looking through the archives, trying to find a picture that conveyed the right amount of “I’m totally the professional candidate you’re looking for” combined with a good dose of “but I’m so fun-loving and carefree that I’ll feel more like a buddy than an employee,” when I came across a picture of these two dicks:

What the hell, you know? I don’t remember that picture being taken, but I’m certain no one said, “Okay, now let’s do a pretentious one!” Do I look like this? Do I make this face casually, for no reason? Is Isabelle mocking me? WHAT’S GOING ON!?

It sort of puts me on edge, like I don’t know what my face might be doing at any given moment. Goddamn cameras and their capturing lenses! Luckily I found one from later that night, where things were more as they should be:

By Charley Daniels

Back from Las Vegas, and with good news, too! Hey, maybe you didn’t even know I was in Las Vegas. In that case, surprise! I went to Las Vegas! And now I’m back, and I’m happy to report the following good things that happened to me as a result of my mini-vacation:

• I got a lot of useful, hands-on practice nursing hangovers
• I heard only one person say, “What happens in Vegas…”
• My wallet is way less crowded than it was on Friday
• I didn’t get married
• I learned the difference between a $5 bottle of water and a $2 bottle of water (it’s the price)
• Colors seem brighter now, and children’s laughter more “laffy”
• The ratio of embarrassing things I did to embarrassing things I got to see was very favorable

By Charley Daniels

It may seem foolish to do mock battle with the vice presidential candidate running on the Republican ticket (read: a person who refers to her “arsenal” the way you or I might talk about our salt and pepper shakers), but I’m not one to shy away from a challenge. In previous “Charley vs” matches, I’ve gone against God, T-Rex, and Gandhi. They’re not slouches, lemme tell you. Could be why I lost to all three. Speaking of, does anyone know the difference between a news editor and a tyrannosaur? One has pointy teeth, a bad temper, and a long tail, and the other wears lipstick (if it’s a woman, or if it’s a dude who likes to wear lipstick). Ha ha! Look, I was being totally humorous there, but you get the point. And, in case you don’t, let me explain: The point is, news editors can be compared humorously to T-Rexes, and so we are both fit to run the country. But I digress. Let’s get it on!

Round 1: Naming things

Her daughters: Bristol, Piper, Willow

Some fish I used to keep as pets (RIP): Parallel Parker, Little Richie

Her sons: Trig, Track

The thing that I use to carry my toiletries on vacation: Mobile Hygiene Command

Charley: 1
Sarah Palin: 0

Round 2: Making the right choice

She’s obviously done something right, as becoming the vice presidential nominee on a major party ticket isn’t exactly easy, while I’ve sort of stumbled into a career in words and sentences and articles, if you can call them that. I just never seem to be able to make the right choice, like when the question is, “How about another?” That’s a tough one for me, and I basically never choose correctly. When the “another” is a mile on the treadmill, I almost always pass. When it’s something with booze in it, I just can’t say no. Also, look at what I choose to wear!

Charley: 1
Sarah Palin: 1

Round 3: Being the right choice

In 1992, some kid I barely knew chose me first in a game of kickball. That game, I kicked a home run. Seriously.

In 2008, John McCain made Sarah Palin his first choice for vice president. During that election, Sarah Palin did an interview with Katie Couric that a bunch of people watched.

Charley: 2
Sarah Palin: 1

Round 4: Finding a way to enjoy Saturday Night Live

It used to be that I would stay up late Saturday nights recording SNL on VHS. Back then, Kevin Nealon did Weekend Update, and the cast included Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Phil Hartman, and Chris Farley. Jack Handey was one of the writers. Those were good days, but now? Ugh. Kristen Wiig is funny, but she’s no Phil Hartman. It can be consistently enjoyable these days only if you’re a person who likes that feeling of being embarrassed for someone. And then Sarah Palin comes along and she’s all, “I watched it without the sound.” WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?

Charley: 2
Sarah Palin: 2

Round 5: Fooling people

My best trick is that thing where it looks like I’m pulling my thumb off, but fooled you! It’s actually not my thumb at all. Sometimes a tiny kid falls for that. Sarah Palin, on the other hand (get it? hand?) has fooled a good portion of the country. Unfortunately, there’s no “thumb removal trick” convention I can go to and give a Big Amazing Speech and suddenly everyone believes that my thumb, indeed, has come off. If there were such a convention, this category could have gone either way. But as it stands, I’ll have to defer to Miss “I told congress ‘thanks, but no thanks’ on that bridge to nowhere.”

Final score

Charley: 2
Sarah Palin: 3