charley vs sarah palin
It may seem foolish to do mock battle with the vice presidential candidate running on the Republican ticket (read: a person who refers to her “arsenal” the way you or I might talk about our salt and pepper shakers), but I’m not one to shy away from a challenge. In previous “Charley vs” matches, I’ve gone against God, T-Rex, and Gandhi. They’re not slouches, lemme tell you. Could be why I lost to all three. Speaking of, does anyone know the difference between a news editor and a tyrannosaur? One has pointy teeth, a bad temper, and a long tail, and the other wears lipstick (if it’s a woman, or if it’s a dude who likes to wear lipstick). Ha ha! Look, I was being totally humorous there, but you get the point. And, in case you don’t, let me explain: The point is, news editors can be compared humorously to T-Rexes, and so we are both fit to run the country. But I digress. Let’s get it on!
Round 1: Naming things
Her daughters: Bristol, Piper, Willow
Some fish I used to keep as pets (RIP): Parallel Parker, Little Richie
Her sons: Trig, Track
The thing that I use to carry my toiletries on vacation: Mobile Hygiene Command
Charley: 1
Sarah Palin: 0
Round 2: Making the right choice
She’s obviously done something right, as becoming the vice presidential nominee on a major party ticket isn’t exactly easy, while I’ve sort of stumbled into a career in words and sentences and articles, if you can call them that. I just never seem to be able to make the right choice, like when the question is, “How about another?” That’s a tough one for me, and I basically never choose correctly. When the “another” is a mile on the treadmill, I almost always pass. When it’s something with booze in it, I just can’t say no. Also, look at what I choose to wear!
Charley: 1
Sarah Palin: 1
Round 3: Being the right choice
In 1992, some kid I barely knew chose me first in a game of kickball. That game, I kicked a home run. Seriously.
In 2008, John McCain made Sarah Palin his first choice for vice president. During that election, Sarah Palin did an interview with Katie Couric that a bunch of people watched.
Charley: 2
Sarah Palin: 1
Round 4: Finding a way to enjoy Saturday Night Live
It used to be that I would stay up late Saturday nights recording SNL on VHS. Back then, Kevin Nealon did Weekend Update, and the cast included Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Phil Hartman, and Chris Farley. Jack Handey was one of the writers. Those were good days, but now? Ugh. Kristen Wiig is funny, but she’s no Phil Hartman. It can be consistently enjoyable these days only if you’re a person who likes that feeling of being embarrassed for someone. And then Sarah Palin comes along and she’s all, “I watched it without the sound.” WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?
Charley: 2
Sarah Palin: 2
Round 5: Fooling people
My best trick is that thing where it looks like I’m pulling my thumb off, but fooled you! It’s actually not my thumb at all. Sometimes a tiny kid falls for that. Sarah Palin, on the other hand (get it? hand?) has fooled a good portion of the country. Unfortunately, there’s no “thumb removal trick” convention I can go to and give a Big Amazing Speech and suddenly everyone believes that my thumb, indeed, has come off. If there were such a convention, this category could have gone either way. But as it stands, I’ll have to defer to Miss “I told congress ‘thanks, but no thanks’ on that bridge to nowhere.”
Final score
Charley: 2
Sarah Palin: 3
Kiala wrote:
Oh no…this happened because of those effing dangling chads, am I right?
Posted on 05-Oct-08 at 7:25 am | Permalink
Charley wrote:
Yes! Or maybe I let her win so that she doesn’t feel so bad for losing other competitions in the near future?
Posted on 05-Oct-08 at 9:33 am | Permalink
Kiala wrote:
GENIUS!
Posted on 05-Oct-08 at 10:52 am | Permalink
JT wrote:
wait wait wait, is my math wrong? it looks to me like you have 8 and she has 7. how can the final score be 2 to 3 when there is no score for round 5 and you beat her in two of the other categories? is it supposed to be whoever gets the least amount of points? i’m a word person. please explain.
Posted on 05-Oct-08 at 1:09 pm | Permalink
JT wrote:
oh wait never mind.
i’m slow.
Posted on 05-Oct-08 at 1:10 pm | Permalink
JT wrote:
that’s probably why i’m not out of my pajamas at 2 in the afternoon.
Posted on 05-Oct-08 at 1:11 pm | Permalink
Charley wrote:
JT: You had me worried for a second because I, too, am a word person and it took me all I’ve got to make sure these added up before I published it.
Maybe on the next one I’ll make it more clear how the scoring works.
Posted on 05-Oct-08 at 1:36 pm | Permalink
Dave wrote:
I remember Parallel Parker. That fish was awesome. That was the only fish I’ve ever seen that could back up. ‘Mon back… ‘mon back.
Okay, so in previous “Charley vs.” matches you were the total underdog, as you were going up against opponents who were vastly superior in moral fortitude, physical strength and omnipotence. But with Palin I figured you had a shot. It’s too bad she squeaked by on that “fooling people” category. That’s not really your fault, though. That’s the Americans peoples fault. Because they’re stupid… so let me get this straight. Your thumb doesn’t come off?
Posted on 05-Oct-08 at 5:25 pm | Permalink
Robert wrote:
YES! Palin won! You betcha, *wink*!
Posted on 06-Oct-08 at 8:18 pm | Permalink
Charley wrote:
Dave: It’s never my fault! All these people cheat. And no, my thumb doesn’t really come off. Not usually, anyway.
Robert: I KNEW it.
Posted on 08-Oct-08 at 10:14 am | Permalink
Isabelle wrote:
When you gonna win something — when the category is kissing a moose?
Posted on 09-Oct-08 at 7:27 am | Permalink
dave wrote:
Nice try Isabelle, but I’ve seen charley trying to kiss a moose. It was a disaster.
Posted on 09-Oct-08 at 7:47 pm | Permalink
Charley wrote:
“Disaster” seems like sort of an overstatement, don’t you think? It was more of a major problem than a full-blown disaster.
Posted on 12-Oct-08 at 11:34 pm | Permalink
melissa lion wrote:
This is an outrage! How dare you make fun of our Vice Presidential candidate. She’s a qualified woman and YOU ARE SEXIST YOU GOD MONGERING HATE MONGERER.
Okay, I just wanted to write that because you have no comments from people who have Sarah Palin on their google alerts and then write incoherent things about neo-conservative talking points.
Sorry it took me so long.
Posted on 25-Oct-08 at 9:36 am | Permalink
Charley wrote:
Hey, yeah, where have all the Palin fanatics been? Maybe they’re not mobbing up because she beat me, or maybe they’ve never read this because my Google page rank is for shit and few strangers wander round these parts. My money’s on the former (money I should be using for advertising, it turns out).
Posted on 25-Oct-08 at 4:56 pm | Permalink