Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Well, it’s that time of year when some of us start making a list of things we’re going to try for the first time, or do better, or quit doing entirely. The only problem with lists is that they’re so hard to follow. Like when I take a list to the grocery store, I never end up with only the stuff on the list. In fact, sometimes I forget the list in the car and just wander around the store for hours.

There are times I think lists are designed to make you ignore them. Like that list of “rules” by the swimming pool. Or the one on the side of my prescription. My police record is a list of sorts. The point is, lists can become your enemy if you let them, much like the neighbor kids or your mechanic. But they’re not all bad. Lists can also tell you a lot about things in a certain, arbitrarily defined group. Lists reveal how much you know about the world in general, or how much you don’t know about your own family. It’s time to embrace lists.

So for the first time ever, I have a New Year’s resolution: to make more of those things I’ve already referred to so many times that the word is starting to sound weird to me. You know what I mean.

Following is a list of just some of the lists I’ll be making in 2009.

• Things I can do instead of that thing I was supposed to do
• Snacks I can eat in one bite
• Colors my hair will never be
• People around whom I should probably at least pretend that I’m sober
• Stuff I really should dust
• College degrees I would have failed to receive had I attempted them
• People whom I’ll never sleep with
• People whom I’ll never sleep near, because they frighten me
• Things you can do with allergy medication other than mitigate the symptoms of allergies
• Things better said in writing
• Meadows I’ve run across into the open arms of a woman
• Women whose open arms I’ve run across a meadow to be embraced by
• Meadows that are too geographically risky to run across, regardless of whose arms are waiting, open
• Ways I’m like a robot
• Different sets of last words for various situations
• Best of 2009: The Lists

What else should I list in 2009?

By Charley Daniels

Yet another thing that fills me with holiday cheer this mid-December, courtesy of Amazon.com’s “latest discussion” feature:

Divorce, becoming a recluse, dementia — there are a number of contenders on there, but you can see which one I immediately clicked on. I mean, who isn’t curious what to get for the parent with dementia who actually believes that he or she has everything?

By Charley Daniels

People in general put way too much stock in things that don’t matter. Hey people, why do that? IT DOESN’T MATTER.

It doesn’t matter what a person’s skin color is, or what a person’s religious beliefs are. It doesn’t matter where someone went to school or for how long. It doesn’t matter whom someone voted for, or politics in general, or socio-economic status. Quit focusing on what sort of clothes people wear, or how often someone “messes up” at work. It doesn’t matter how many spouses we’ve had, or jobs, or felony convictions.

How much money someone makes. What kind of car a person drives. What sort of shoes you wear. So many things mean absolutely nothing! The size of someone’s house. Who a person’s friends are. What I was doing between 5 p.m. and 3 a.m. on the evening of Nov. 13. Can’t we just move on?

Look, I know societal pressures push you to focus on certain things. But does it really matter how many drinks a person had before noon? I submit that it doesn’t. It’s almost as if it’s popular to get all hung up on insignificant stuff, like whether someone has a permanent address, or whether he owes you money. I mean, it’s like bathing or not bathing is affecting the global financial crisis. It’s not! Quit worrying about stuff that totally doesn’t matter.

People seem to think it matters so much how many hit-and-runs you’ve perpetrated not even counting the ones where you didn’t get caught. Why are people so worried about petty details? Is there really a substantive difference between “misdemeanor” or “felony” or “just an oopsie”? Not really. So quit asking questions like it matters.

Some of you are probably thinking, “But wait: In your world, does anything matter?” Of course things matter. Of course. But that’s a different post. This one is about the things that don’t matter, such as the spotted owl, orange traffic signs, and relatives twice removed.

Here’s an example: At your party the other day, you asked me how I intended to pay for that. I was too busy at the time to respond, because I was trying to keep my own belongings from catching fire, but now I have an answer: Does it really matter?

The main point here is people seem to care an awful lot about things that have no consequence in the Grand Scheme. And the more you focus on stuff that is neither here nor there, the more the important things slip by unnoticed. You might be all worked up about whether you bought lunch the last three times we went out, and suddenly terrorists attack somewhere. Notice what happened? You were focusing on things that don’t matter. While it’s not your fault that terrorists attacked … or is it? See, you might need to seriously rethink some stuff.

Thing is, it’s high time you stand up (do this now), thrust your fist in the air, and start focusing only on things that actually matter, while burying somewhere in your subconscious stuff that clearly does not matter, which is a list that includes these things:

• Which neighborhood a person lives in
• Bengal tigers
• Commitments
• Grooming
• Taxes on gambling winnings
• Step children
• Other types of children
• The color mauve
• Representin’
• Alley cattin’
• Listenin’
• Debts owed to weak or otherwise non-threatening people
• Birthdays
• Setting a good example
• Loaning me expensive equipment
• Promises not covered under the term “commitments”
• Non-Indo-European languages
• Niceties, pleasantries, saying the right thing, etc.
• Balanced nutrition
• Watching where you walk
• Watching what you say around elders, people in general
• Feelings
• Account balances
• Other

As usual, feel free to continue the list in the comments. Next time: something that matters!