It may seem foolish to do mock battle with the vice presidential candidate running on the Republican ticket (read: a person who refers to her “arsenal” the way you or I might talk about our salt and pepper shakers), but I’m not one to shy away from a challenge. In previous “Charley vs” matches, I’ve gone against God, T-Rex, and Gandhi. They’re not slouches, lemme tell you. Could be why I lost to all three. Speaking of, does anyone know the difference between a news editor and a tyrannosaur? One has pointy teeth, a bad temper, and a long tail, and the other wears lipstick (if it’s a woman, or if it’s a dude who likes to wear lipstick). Ha ha! Look, I was being totally humorous there, but you get the point. And, in case you don’t, let me explain: The point is, news editors can be compared humorously to T-Rexes, and so we are both fit to run the country. But I digress. Let’s get it on!

Round 1: Naming things

Her daughters: Bristol, Piper, Willow

Some fish I used to keep as pets (RIP): Parallel Parker, Little Richie

Her sons: Trig, Track

The thing that I use to carry my toiletries on vacation: Mobile Hygiene Command

Charley: 1
Sarah Palin: 0

Round 2: Making the right choice

She’s obviously done something right, as becoming the vice presidential nominee on a major party ticket isn’t exactly easy, while I’ve sort of stumbled into a career in words and sentences and articles, if you can call them that. I just never seem to be able to make the right choice, like when the question is, “How about another?” That’s a tough one for me, and I basically never choose correctly. When the “another” is a mile on the treadmill, I almost always pass. When it’s something with booze in it, I just can’t say no. Also, look at what I choose to wear!

Charley: 1
Sarah Palin: 1

Round 3: Being the right choice

In 1992, some kid I barely knew chose me first in a game of kickball. That game, I kicked a home run. Seriously.

In 2008, John McCain made Sarah Palin his first choice for vice president. During that election, Sarah Palin did an interview with Katie Couric that a bunch of people watched.

Charley: 2
Sarah Palin: 1

Round 4: Finding a way to enjoy Saturday Night Live

It used to be that I would stay up late Saturday nights recording SNL on VHS. Back then, Kevin Nealon did Weekend Update, and the cast included Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Phil Hartman, and Chris Farley. Jack Handey was one of the writers. Those were good days, but now? Ugh. Kristen Wiig is funny, but she’s no Phil Hartman. It can be consistently enjoyable these days only if you’re a person who likes that feeling of being embarrassed for someone. And then Sarah Palin comes along and she’s all, “I watched it without the sound.” WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?

Charley: 2
Sarah Palin: 2

Round 5: Fooling people

My best trick is that thing where it looks like I’m pulling my thumb off, but fooled you! It’s actually not my thumb at all. Sometimes a tiny kid falls for that. Sarah Palin, on the other hand (get it? hand?) has fooled a good portion of the country. Unfortunately, there’s no “thumb removal trick” convention I can go to and give a Big Amazing Speech and suddenly everyone believes that my thumb, indeed, has come off. If there were such a convention, this category could have gone either way. But as it stands, I’ll have to defer to Miss “I told congress ‘thanks, but no thanks’ on that bridge to nowhere.”

Final score

Charley: 2
Sarah Palin: 3

I was defeated in my first two matches, and in retrospect it’s not that surprising. I’m pretty sure I was too ambitious. This time around, I’m picking on someone my own size: Gandhi. So maybe he’s smaller than I am and not prone to confrontation, and maybe I’m sort of an ass for making this challenge. But I need a win, dammit! And to be great, you have to beat great people at seemingly unimportant endeavors. So, I thought, who better to compete against than someone who basically won’t fight back but is known worldwide as a great human being? Having a competitive spirit goes hand-in-hand with being brutal, I’ve read, while pacifists generally take a milder approach to achieving their goals. So long as the categories aren’t “fasting,” “civil disobedience,” or “inspiring millions with the power of your convictions,” I should be able to eke out a victory and start the climb back to an even record. Let’s get it on!

Round 1: Civil disobedience
OH COME ON.
Gandhi: 1
Charley: 0

Round 2: Drunken friendly wrestling that turns serious
Now we’re talking. I don’t think there’s any doubt about who would win this round, but if you’re unsure maybe you should come over here and I’ll choke some sense into you. You know, after a few beers. You see, I’m generally not aggressive, but once in a while drunken wrestling can get out of hand, and when it does, watch out! I’d choke the hell out of anyone, including my own mother, if he or she looked at me the wrong way during a drunken wrestling match. I wish I could say that Gandhi would be an exception, but I’m afraid that’s just not the case.
Gandhi: 1
Charley: 1

Round 3: Halo 2 deathmatch
I’m gripping my Xbox controller firmly, slightly tense but unafraid. If I lose at Halo 2 to Gandhi, I should probably just throw in the towel for this whole competition; do you know what I mean? On the screen I’m looking through my scope, scanning the expansive, incredibly nonpixelated green fields. The red base, about 200 yards away, is a stout little fortress surrounded by high rock walls. There’s a tank and a jeep parked in its shadow. Deserted — or so it seems. He’s out there. Somewhere. The only movement comes from the waving red flag, a tattered cloth covered with obscure symbols drawn by some geek with an awesome job. His claim to fame. As I consider the ridiculous direction my own life has taken — playing video games with a long-dead cultural icon? — my wandering thoughts are interrupted by motion at the edge of my scope. I adjust slightly and zoom in. It’s my opponent, zig-zagging gracelessly out from behind the base. He keeps switching weapons back and forth, back and forth. He throws a grenade, looks embarassed, throws another. He jumps, jumps again. Now he’s crouching and spinning around. I recognize this rookie behavior: He’s trying to find the button for peaceful resistance. Unfortunately, this video game doesn’t have that.
Gandhi: 1
Charley: 2

Round 4: Things we’ve said
him: “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”
me: “I told you military incursions don’t have to be all testosterone and frowns.”

him: “There are many causes that I am prepared to die for but no causes that I am prepared to kill for.”
me: “I’m comfortable gratuitously referring to myself as a self-motivated multitasking team player who thinks outside the box in his quest to stay competitive in deadline-oriented, fast-paced working environments.”

him: “Hate the sin, love the sinner.”
me: “When I think about having to clean my Ikea-brand garlic press I get homicidal.”

Gandhi: 2
Charley: 2

Round 5: Pressing on when the odds are overwhelmingly against you
That’s it. I give up.
Gandhi: 3
Charley: 2

Some scientists say that the ultimate predator of all time is the tyrannosaur. That’s because they haven’t seen me at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Other scientists (and people at the buffet) have a different theory entirely. They believe that T-Rex was a scavenger — like a giant, scaly vulture — and not a predator at all. The scavenger theorists point to evidence of weak jaw muscles, a sign, they say, that the mouth of an adult tyrannosaur was meant for picking up scraps rather than crushing necks. But what does anyone really know about T-Rex, anyway? He’s dead, and all we have are bones. I, on the other hand, am alive and can bite through a soda can. That is a well-documented fact. You should see my military-grade nightguard. My dentist says it stops me from biting my own mouth off while I sleep — and he’s kind of like a scientist. So this match may not be as skewed as it appears on the surface. In my last match I took on God. I lost, of course. But T-Rex’s existence is a scientific certainty, while divine beings and dinosaur jaw strength aren’t, so I have a good feeling about this one. Let’s get ready to rumble.

Round 1: Making quesadillas
There are many reasons why I’m better at making quesadillas than T-Rex. A good mixture of cheeses and peppers is only the beginning. T-Rex ate mostly raw meat — scavenger or not. Though that alone does not automatically mean he has no vegetarian culinary abilities, the fact that cheese and tortillas did not even exist during the Cretaceous period would significantly hamper the quesadilla-making process. Do you expect me to believe that a dinosaur would take the time to invent the ingredients for a dish that he wouldn’t even want to eat? So let’s say we provide him with the ingredients. What’s he going to do, hold it over a volcano? Rub some sticks together with those arms? He doesn’t have a chance. The guacamole I put on the side is just delicious taunting.
Charley: 1
T-Rex: 0

Round 2: Having a good nickname
Oh, here we go. One of my greatest regrets is not being able to say, “Hi, I’m Charley, but you can call me [SOMETHING REALLY FREAKING COOL].” I’ll always just be “Charley,” so I can’t really compete in a nickname competition. T-Rex is a pretty great nickname, I’ll admit. In fact, I wouldn’t mind a bit if you decided to start calling me that. Even if you do, I can’t win because it was already my opponent’s nickname. I almost found a loophole in that “Charley” and “T-Rex” are both just shortened versions of our given names, thereby making them roughly equal in terms of their reason for existing. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s any doubt which is more awesome. Plus tyrannosaur means “tyrant lizard,” so he’s got another to fall back on.
Charley: 1
T-Rex: 1

Round 3: Doing push-ups
“Look at those scrawny arms! Ah ha ha ha! So cute as they wave frantically about! Oh, here he goes. Look at him shake while trying to maintain that massive body in a push-up position! Whoa, uh oh, WHOA! Flat on his face, ladies and gentlemen!” That was the commentator talking about me during a push-up competition I was in a few years ago. But times have changed. Now my arms don’t wave frantically when I’m about to exercise. Also, T-Rex is even less likely to be good at push ups than I am. Gravity these days being what it is, I doubt he could even do a push-up, though I like to imagine what it would be like if he tried. If this were some sort of leg-strength competition, I’d be in trouble. As it is, doing only one push up wins this one for me, and one push up I can pretty much do.
Charley: 2
T-Rex: 1

Round 4: Being intimidating
Who came up with these categories, anyway?
Charley: 2
T-Rex: 2

Tie-breaker Round: Mysteriously going extinct
I’ve got some advice for you kids. If you have to die under suspicious circumstances to win a competition, you might want to consider the prestige that comes along with being runner-up. Some ass with a silk-screening machine coined the propaganda “second place is the first loser,” but what ever happened to that guy? No one knows, right? It’s probably because he insisted on winning a competition similar to this one, since, you know, no one wants to be “the first loser.” I don’t mind being the first loser, especially if the alternative is starving to death because a meteor has hit the earth, creating a dust cloud that blocks out the sun for years. Or whatever. As far as mysterious extinctions go, the dinosaurs definitely rank right up there — maybe not quite at the level of Jimmy Hoffa or civil liberties (zing!) — but it’s me against T-Rex, so it doesn’t matter where dinosaurs stack up in the larger picture. All T-Rex has to do is out-extinct me, and I’m just going to have to let him. Wow, my record is 0-2 in these things. I’m beginning to feel like the Susan Lucci of the Charley vs. series. Final score:
Charley: 2
T-Rex: 3

Round 1: Creating existence in seven days

Six if you don’t count that day of rest. See, God created everything in six days and then took a vacation, which I saw as a weakness, but it was actually his doing the job ahead of schedule and then using that last day to do whatever he wanted. That’s pretty good, especially since he inadvertently created the week in the process. I tried to create the universe and after two months I couldn’t even create gold. That’s only one element!

God: 1
Charley: 0

Round 2: Thumb wrestling

God doesn’t even have thumbs — he is an entity, after all. Without thumbs, not even a deity could beat me in a thumb-wrestling competition. Because I have two. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that he did have thumbs. Okay, I still would have won because I’m undefeated at thumb wrestling. My crazy digits can bend in ways not humanly possible, thereby putting them on par with non-humans like God. Also, I’m a lot younger than God, so any event that requires dexterity and stamina is mine for the taking. “Almighty” my ass.

God: 1
Charley: 1

Round 3: Parting the Red Sea

God has the liquid under control. I don’t wet my bed, but that isn’t quite so miraculous. I do have an uncanny ability to let the water from the shower run down my arm and off the ends of my fingers so that it looks like I have sprinkler hands when I hold my arm at a certain angle. Informal polls reveal that sprinkler hands are not as cool as parting the Red Sea. Maybe I can part the Red Sea. It’s just that I can’t afford a plane ticket right now, so how can I try? I can part my hair. My girlfriend doesn’t like this, though.

God: 2
Charley: 1

Round 4: Grooming

Speaking of hair, have you seen that guy’s ratty beard? Wow. I have to hand it to him — he’s not concerned with the way he looks. The creator of the universe and everything it contains is obviously aware of things like shaving and showering. He must just be really comfortable with himself and so doesn’t mind going out wearing a white robe and sporting that particular hairstyle. It really is a wonder that anyone in the Old Testament took him seriously, though. Personally, I like a shave and a shower and, while I’m not too narcissistic for a T-shirt and jeans, I do draw the line at wearing my bathrobe to a smiting. Or I would if I am ever attending one. If this round were about self-assuredness, God might get the points. As it stands, I win this one.

God: 2
Charley: 2

Round 5: Walking on water

Like parting the Red Sea, this achievement was not actually God (if I understand my picture Bible correctly), but it was clearly God’s doing because no one parts seas or walks on water without a little help from above. I’ve never actually tried to walk on water, but I know that I can’t because sometimes I stumble on dry land. Though it’s fairly obvious that some trickery must be involved, I’ve never understood how the water walk is accomplished — a hidden platform? Water wing-tipped shoes? Hover sandals? An independent laboratory has found the drawings of the time to be undoctored, so I have to concede.

God: 3
Charley: 2

Round 6: Drinking heavily

If you’ve read this far you probably think that round 6, heavy drinking, is a given for me. You’d be surprised. See, God can turn water to wine and such, where I have to go down to the store to buy a bottle. When you’re trying to out-drink Yahweh, you need a credit card with a very high limit. Luckily I had a willing connection because most state liquor control commissions are made up of a bunch of devils. Still, all those years of turning water into wine gave God the tolerance of a frat boy. I won the round, however, because for once I was drunk and shouting at God and God was actually there, shouting right back. Talk about inspiration.

God: 3
Charley: 3

Round 7: Immaculately conceiving

Now, I’m not saying that I’m completely incapable, but I have never fathered a child — immaculately or otherwise. I’m pretty sure I haven’t, at least. Ha ha! Just a little humor there. Seriously though, I’d like to believe that immaculate conception is something that you have to be attempting to cause in order for it to actually happen. Also, I don’t want that ability. No thanks. It’s like eating cake without being able to taste it. If it can happen by accident, we’re all in big trouble. So I’ll have to give this one to God and hope to become the first man ever to have Immaculate Protection. Now that would be something

He wins a squeaker. I’m looking forward to the rematch. Final Score:

God: 4
Charley: 3