1. Find a piece of bread
2. Spread some olive oil on it with a brush or your finger or something.
3. Set it aside, but make sure you remember where you put it.
4. Find a pan or a pot or something metal that can hold liquid and be cooked on a stove.
5. Turn on your stove and oven simultaneously, twisting the knobs at the exact same time. Make sure people are watching, because this really makes it look like you know what you’re doing.
6. Put the water-filled pot or pan or whatever on the stove and bring it to a boil.
7. You can maybe watch TV for a few minutes while you wait for it to boil. But don’t keep checking it! You know the old saying: “What a loser.”
8. Once the water reaches a rolling boil, turn the burner down to low and open your oven.
9. Remember where you put the olive-oiled bread. Keep trying until you actually remember.
10. Put the bread in the oven and close the door.
11. Wait, you don’t have an egg ready? Jesus, that’s the whole point.
12. Crack the egg into the rolling-boil, water-filled pot or pan or whatever.
13. But first, start a whirlpool in the pot or pan or whatever by swirling the water in a clockwise direction. Use something other than your finger.
14. Note the time.
15. After about one or two commercial breaks, depending on how you like your egg, remove the bread from the oven.
16. Remove the egg from the pot or pan or whatever, but try not to inhale as you do so.
17. Precariously suspend the egg on a slotted spoon above the pot or pan or whatever, so it can drip dry.
18. Remember that you should have cut up the avocado sometime during the cooking process and cuss about your forgetfulness.
19. Realize that you don’t even like avocado, or egg for that matter, that you never had any bread in the house and no oven or stove either, so you’re not even sure what you’ve been doing.
20. Pour yourself another cocktail.
21. Blame your third grade teacher for where you are in life.
22. Now you’re cooking with Charley.