Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

I want to be the best at something, and I don’t care what it is. I’ve struggled all my life, huffing and puffing and fighting for success. Trying. Have I achieved success? Yes, I have achieved success. But anyone can do that, because it’s totally subjective. The real question is, am I the best? No, I guess I’m not the best.

So I need to figure out something I can be the best at. Shouldn’t be hard, because the possibilities are infinite. Maybe I could be the best at recognizing what a person does for a living? I’m already great at that. I can tell that a dude with a tool belt probably is some sort of tool-maker, or that guy in the hard hat riding in the lift of one of those utility trucks and working on the power lines is most likely a thief or a website hackster. Woman delivering water? I can tell she’s a water rationer of some sort. Guy on the corner asking me for money? He’s obviously a banker or an IRS agent.

Or maybe I could be the best at counting things, or juggling, or computer science, or something else that requires basically no practice. It really doesn’t matter; I’ll take whatever. Name something, anything. Example: Avoiding cracks in the sidewalk. That’s something we’ve all probably done at one time or another, but somewhere out there is a person who’s the best at it. This is what I mean. It doesn’t have to be curing cancer or playing sports — there are an unlimited number of things to be the best at. Tying shoes. Eating an apple. Anticipating which way an ant will run. For every activity, there’s someone out there who is the best. Why can’t it be me? Cussing is a good one.

I know what you’re thinking: “This post better get good.” Also, you might be wondering how, for example, I might determine where I rank among everyone in the world in a discipline like shoe-tying. Interesting question. Hey, maybe you’re the best at making me feel bad about myself. Ever thought of that?

But you do have a point. For most things it would be impossible to determine who is the best. It’s a large world, and it’s full of people doing all sorts of random shit really well. Making tacos, closing the door quietly so as not to wake someone up, shouting “bingo” with the perfect level of excitement but without rubbing it in. The possibilities truly are limitless.

You can even be the best at negative things, like annoying people or messing everything up. Obviously that’s not ideal, but hey, at least you’re the best at something.

So now that I think about it, it’s probably hard not to be the best at one thing or another, and that’s all I wanted when I started this post. Problem solved.

That journey was not completely selfish, I hope you realize. Based on all this I’ve come up with Charley’s Law of Invisible Greatness, which proclaims that because there are an infinite number of things you can be the best at, you’re almost certainly the best at something, even if you never figure out what it is. Do yourself a favor and use it as an excuse to give up today.

By Charley Daniels

I don’t even know what I’m doing. You know? Some days, I just get up, do my morning thing, put on my neutron sandals, and hover off to the station. But what am I really doing on those days?

Other days I stay in the bunker, sequencing genes and sharpening sticks. I’ll watch old LaserDiscs of 1940s science and eat Pop Tarts and beer for lunch. But even on those days I sometimes have to walk over to the mirror, wipe away the ants, and wonder aloud what the hell I’m even doing.

When you think about your life, all the little choices and chances that led you to the place you are right now, it’s probably just one wild coincidence after another, right? Right. So what are you doing? Are you doing what you really want to be doing? Are you skiing on lava? Are you training dolphins to fire a rifle? Are you inventing real-life Smurfs? Well, what are you doing? Maybe you’re grooming your unicorn or spending way too much time talking to a stump, at which point I’m sure you take a step back and question what you’re actually doing.

My guess is, you’re doing something close to what you want to be doing, or something that’s exactly like what you want to be doing, or something not very close to what you want to be doing, or something you totally don’t want to be doing. Don’t freak; I’m pretty good at guessing stuff. But even if it’s exactly what you want, is it really? Or is it just what you think you should want to be doing? I bet it’s really healthy to question what you’re doing, because then you don’t get too complacent.

Do you ever drive along the road, maybe going twice as fast as the law allows and twice as drunk too, and wonder what you’re doing? And does that lead you to a further internal discussion about physics and destiny and whether there really is such a thing as dying “instantly” or “on impact”? If so, that’s pretty messed up, and instead of wondering what you’re doing, you should be wondering about a therapist and when her next available appointment is.

On the days when I’m tricking my neighbors into thinking that we’re under attack or trying to teach a llama to play the piano, it’s not uncommon for me to wonder what I’m doing with this life. What could I have been? What could I still be, if I make different choices from now on? What is a choice, really, but “the mental process of thinking involved with the process of judging the merits of multiple options and selecting one of them for action.” You know?

By Charley Daniels

Hey NBC! Why not have the new American Gladiators serve as hosts and presenters at the ailing Golden Globes? Picket-line problems solved! Also, I’d totally watch that.

“And the winner for best actress in a musical or comedy television series is …”

By Charley Daniels

If you’re like most English-speakers, you have many writing and/or word questions. When that happens, you either look things up (snooze) or just think, “Hmm. That is a mystery. Oh well,” and then you go on your merry way. Neither of those is the optimal choice. For the former solution, you check some chump dictionary or other book that will lie there passively, delivering the answer but providing you with no memorable experience. I mean, do you want a reference scenario where you look something up and you’re done, where you’ve helped yourself but no one else? In the latter solution, you just sort of give up. What the hell kind of crap is that?

When you need language advice, why not come here, to Weblog Sin Pies, where I’ll not only answer [most] of your English usage-related questions in a [fairly] timely manner, but I’ll [usually] make it interesting and respond in ways that will [in some cases] help you remember the [tainted] information you’re given! Note: Please don’t make your decision about whether to seek advice from me based on my own writing. That ain’t cool.

“Who” or “whom”? Semicolon, em dash, or period? Why can’t I end a sentence with a preposition? “Ho” or “hoe”? Well, what are you waiting for? Submit questions here.

And in case I’ve already got you wondering, the answer to all of the above example questions is: It depends. Can you be more specific?

By Charley Daniels

Set it up:

Man 1: Blood is thicker than water, my friend.

Knock it down:

Man 2: But it doesn’t quench your thirst!

[sfx: rimshot]

Just gratuitous:

Vampire: I beg to differ!

HA HA HA HA HA [sfx: deep inhale] HA HA HA HA HA HEH