Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Whew! Keeping this thing updated is taxing on the brain, you know? I’ve been compiling links for days, so many of the things you’re about to find out could be outdated. Not my problem. Read on!

I picked up John Hodgman’s “The Areas of My Expertise” last week. You know Hodgman — he’s the PC guy on the Apple commercials where the Mac is all young and cool and the PC is a big dumbass. “The Areas of My Expertise” is essentially what every humor writers’ personal notebook looks like — a compendium of random, made-up crap that no one is ever meant to read. I’m having a little trouble getting into it.

Celebrities: Jessica Simpson stars in a really bad movie, I guess. How disappointing. On the other hand, Paris and Nicole are buddies again. I knew they’d weather that storm.

North Korea’s gone nukular. Can’t we just torture them, or something?

So, Google bought YouTube. Big deal. Acquiring stuff is easy. For example, I got a DVR today.

Hey, dinosaur poo has been a staple around here for a while, so it’s good to see Ryan North over at Dinosaur Comics tackle an issue that’s dear to our hearts.

Well, you know the old saying: No news is good news … unless it’s News and Aaahs for Oct. 10!

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The Vatican is looking out for dead babies with a new initiative to eliminate limbo from the heaven-hell equation. You see, limbo is where babies end up if they die before being baptised. At least, it used to be:

The Catholic Church is concerned about the grief suffered by the parents of stillborn babies, which could be compounded if they believed the souls of their children were to be excluded from heaven.

Now, I’m not religious, so correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems pretty sketchy to just decide some part of your religion suddenly doesn’t exist. What do I know, though? I’m just some Godless skeptic. The Pope would probably know:

The Pope has been quoted as dismissing the notion as mere ‘hypothesis.’

It’s that easy? Can’t hell be hypothetical, then? Please?

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Can your tools do this?

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Man, there’s been a lot of shooting going on at schools. What gives, students? I guess the only way to stop school violence is to try to foster an environment where unstable kids feel safe coming out and talking to responsible adults about their troubled lives.

Or we could make it so that when kids start shooting, the teachers can shoot back.

Wisconsin state Rep. Frank Lasee, R-Green Bay, said he would introduce a measure in the state legislature early next year that would give teachers and other school employees the option of carrying concealed guns after they have received extensive weapons training.

Normally I would say something sarcastic and/or ironic, but a moment of sincerity is necessary in this case. Mr. Lasee, you are an effin asshat, d-bag, ca ca for brains. I did that as nicely as possible; thanks for listening.

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This country is certainly going to hell (not limbo, now, thank you very much. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Pope). Congress has passed a measure aimed at outlawing harmless online gambling and another that essentially legalizes torture. Priorities! Paul Phillips, writing about the torture bill, says it best:

If we can’t ‘win’ without torture then I don’t want to win. I think I’d rather see the planet dissolve into total nuclear annihilation then face a future where we expect the ostensible good guys to use torture to achieve their ends. Torture represents as fundamental a moral breakdown as there is. It is an absolute surrender of any claim to the moral high ground. The world (or at least those who have survived the last few years) is laughing at the absurd hypocrisy of our attempts to spread ‘freedom’ even as we show over and over that we have no idea what that means.

By Charley Daniels

She was my dream girl. For sure. She had long, luxurious curls the color of really good beer, and deep, dark, penetrating pale ale eyes. Her lips, so full and moist, tasted like beer. She had perfectly pinched, rosy cheeks as though she had been drinking a lot. Did I mention her hands? They were holding a beer. She was definitely my dream girl, but I don’t know why. Another thing about her: she was curvy, with hills and valleys just where a man likes them — a perfect hourglass, or a really strange-shaped beverage container.

I had to meet her, which might ordinarily seem suspect, considering I already knew what her lips tasted like. But things are far from ordinary around here. So I walked up and offered her a beer, even though she already had one. “Would you like a beer?” I asked, cleverly. She looked at me with those drunken eyes, head cocked and brow raised.

“Have we met?” she asked.

“I was the guy who tasted your lips earlier.” The ice thus broken, our conversation could only improve from there. At length I discovered that her name is Beer, which explains the confusion when I offered her one. As we talked we both smiled uncontrollably, not unlike two teenagers who didn’t get carded at the beer garden.

The wedding was a blur.

Now Beer and I have been inseparable for longer than I am able to remember. For some people, love is sensuality, security, laundry, and infidelity. For me and Beer, it’s late nights, ill-advised road trips, bleary-eyed confessions, lack of inhibition — you know, fun stuff. She is my dream girl, this Beer, an addiction for which no 12-step program has the cure.

By Charley Daniels

The Billings Gazette: Oopsie! The only Republican candidate running for the state legislature in Montana’s district 76 is a proud member of ‘America’s Nazi Party.’

“It was reported over the weekend that Shawn Stuart, 24, is Montana’s contact point for the National Socialist Movement, a group that describes itself as ‘America’s Nazi Party’ on its Web site.”

Montana’s contact point, eh? Well that shows he has leadership experience, which is important for a prospective member of the state legislature. Let’s review his other qualifications, shall we?

From the Helena Independent Record:

‘I am the Montana unit contact leader,’ Shawn Stuart, 24, told The Montana Standard Friday afternoon. He’s running for the House District 76 spot, along with Democrats Kevin Lowney and incumbent Jon Sesso.

Members of this movement ‘co-operate and work with many like minded white nationalist groups such as the KKK (Ku Klux Klan), Aryan Skinheads, the Racial Nationalist Party of America and many others which are either neo Nazi or at least, racially aware of our Aryan Heritage,’ according to their Web site.

The ‘Sacred Swastika’ is their logo and ‘the Brown shirt of the SA (Sturmabteilung)’ is their uniform.

The movement calls for a ‘union of all Whites into a greater America. Non-citizens may live in America only as guests and must be subject to laws for aliens. Accordingly, no Jew or homosexual may be a member of the nation,’ according to the ‘25 points’ section of the Web site.

Stuart said he personally ‘has nothing against any other race.’

He has nothing against any other race! What’s the big deal?

‘All I believe in is the separation,’ he said. ‘We have our right to exist in the world; they have their right to exist in the world.’

He said his views align with the Republican party and he’s also been affiliated with the Militia of Montana, describing it as ‘like the National Rifle Association, but a little more extreme.’

Ah. There it is. Separation. The old, [adopts a hillbilly accent] “I don’t mind what other people do, long as they ain’t tryin’ to spread it around.” Plus, more extreme than the NRA? What, they want to require everyone to carry two guns at all times, or something? The Militia of Montana Web site says,

Militia members do not walk around carrying guns and wearing army fatigues, looking for someone to shoot.

That’s a relief. Unless it’s just a semantics thing. Maybe militia members walk around carrying guns, looking for someone to shoot but they wear whatever they want. Or maybe they walk around carrying guns, wearing army fatigues but they already know who they’re going to shoot. They don’t have to look. See, semantics.

But look, no one’s perfect. At least Stuart’s views align with the Republican party, right? Right? Republicans? Hello?

John Eyde, who heads Butte’s Republican central committee, had no comment Friday afternoon when told of Stuart’s affiliation.

Earlier in the week, he said the committee was ‘familiar with him’ and that Stuart has been to central committee meetings, but the local party did not endorse him or recruit him to run.

NPR reported today that Montana Republicans were going to campaign against Stuart, despite having to give up a potential seat in the legislature. That’s a pretty good idea, considering Montana Republicans have absolutely no other choice given the circumstances. I love when politicians do the right thing once there’s no other alternative.

By Joe

The vehicle, you degenerate:

Mother copes with the grief of her son’s death in Iraq by airbrushing him and his fallen comrades on the side of her 2006 midsized Hummer H3 and riding it around town blasting the song “America, Fuck Yeah!”

God bless America!

By Charley Daniels

Spam:

This reminds me of something I wrote about several years ago. Back then my penchant for long-windedness was barely a year old, so I still had the energy to write way more than I needed to. That’s still true, but back then I was funnier so I have to dig in the archives for worthwhile posts. Here’s one now:

(Continued)