Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Tuesday is my first panel discussion ever and quite possibly my last, too. All on the same day! I’m a little nervous.

What if I say something stupid? Or something so brilliant no one understands and it’s wasted? Or what if I accidentally start out the night by saying something perfect, smart, just right, and then the bar is too high?

I got the questions today, and they’re quite simple — which adds to my nervousness. When you’re on a panel and the moderator asks you a question, you can’t just be all, “Yes.” With an involved question, there’s no danger of that. At least you’ll stammer a little and say “um” and sigh a lot. That takes up some time.

The other thing about the questions is they’re more specifically personal than I imagined. I think the first one is about the panelists’ backgrounds and career path, something like that. And the rest follow that line of “in your experience…” or “what’s your advice for….” Which totally makes sense, because what the hell else are they going to ask me? And it’s perfect, because I generally know the answers to questions that begin with some sort of “tell me about you” query. But I’m still uneasy, because people will be looking at me. And other reasons as well.

What if they videotape it? Off-camera, I’m a medium-sized, medium-complected, standard-voiced dude. On-camera, I’m a weird, squat, pale, buzzing-voiced freak with a weird profile and no chin. (Feel free to let me know if this is actually how I am in real life, as well. If that’s the case, I guess I don’t have to worry about it.) Plus, one of the first things we learned growing up was video is often the best evidence that you’ve done something.

What if people are taking notes? Then maybe I’ll say something blatantly wrong and no one realizes but me, and I’ll see someone scribbling that down. Then what? Go up afterward and be like, “Remember that whole thing I said about fusion and fission and mathematics? You should just cross that out.” But knowing and admitting you’ve said something stupid is more embarrassing than saying something stupid to begin with. What’s next, apologizing when I hurt someone’s feelings? Being honest about where I’ve been all night? Keeping promises? Where does it end?

Anything could happen Tuesday, is all I’m saying. So I have to be prepared.

I mean, what if I’m really great and then I get asked back for more discussions and then it becomes a thing where I’m traveling the world chatting about editing and new media. And then I’ll have to quit my editing jobs. No time for real work, what with the panels and world traveling. But then I’m no longer working in the field that I’ve become so adept at talking about. Then what? I lose my new job as a panelist, that’s what, because it doesn’t make sense. I’m broke now, and starving and homeless too. But then I join the motivational-speaker circuit. “I had it all and now I’m homeless,” I’ll tell people. Major comeback! Money, fame, more-prestigious panels. Admirers, groupies, VD. Dementia, wacky memoir, fairly early death. Is this the life I want? I have to decide now. Like, right now.

By Charley Daniels

If you’re like most English-speakers, you have many writing and/or word questions. When that happens, you either look things up (snooze) or just think, “Hmm. That is a mystery. Oh well,” and then you go on your merry way. Neither of those is the optimal choice. For the former solution, you check some chump dictionary or other book that will lie there passively, delivering the answer but providing you with no memorable experience. I mean, do you want a reference scenario where you look something up and you’re done, where you’ve helped yourself but no one else? In the latter solution, you just sort of give up. What the hell kind of crap is that?

When you need language advice, why not come here, to Weblog Sin Pies, where I’ll not only answer [most] of your English usage-related questions in a [fairly] timely manner, but I’ll [usually] make it interesting and respond in ways that will [in some cases] help you remember the [tainted] information you’re given! Note: Please don’t make your decision about whether to seek advice from me based on my own writing. That ain’t cool.

“Who” or “whom”? Semicolon, em dash, or period? Why can’t I end a sentence with a preposition? “Ho” or “hoe”? Well, what are you waiting for? Submit questions here.

And in case I’ve already got you wondering, the answer to all of the above example questions is: It depends. Can you be more specific?

By Mike Bijon

It looks a lot like BuzzDash Central around here. We may as well have some fun with it: