At some point during my painfully optimistic formative years as a writer, I crafted an essay about election reform that suggested taking a cue from the animal kingdom. The basic gist of the article was:
Whoever kicks the most ass is in charge.
I believe that’s a direct quote. Yes, I was a real Hemingway. This was right around the time one of my writing professors remarked to a class full of people that “Charley is like Dave Barry, only more sarcastic.” It was a technical writing course, and the teacher did not mean this as a compliment.
Anyway, I was reminded of the election essay yesterday when Mike sent me this video:
My ideas about how to pick a president were crap compared with this method. Whoever kicks the most ass? That’s not a reliable selection criterion. It’s whoever can get his or her ass kicked and still make sound executive decisions — that’s who should be in charge. Ball-kicking tolerance is an even better litmus.
Basically: Iron crotch for president in 2008!
The guys in that video even resemble our candidates in some ways. Look at that last contestant — the one on the end. He’s like Fred Thompson: not sure whether to enter the race at all. Except, if the election involved a smack in the nards, we might sympathize with him instead of suspecting he’s skirting campaign law.
Of course, you might think Hillary would be a lock if we elected the leader of the free world based on who could take the most crotch punishment, but I’d wager Mitt Romney can take a real beating down there. Interpret that any way you choose.
Liberal blogs, pundits, and talking heads, in cooperation with the recently formed Society for Preservation of Beach Boys Song Lyrics, are foaming at the mouth over Republican Senator John McCain’s parody of the Beach Boys song “Barbara Ann” (video after the jump), in which he turned the words of the song into “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.” The impromptu performance came during a speaking engagement where McCain was asked by an audience member whether the U.S. should send Iran a message via air mail. Get it? “Air” mail? Obviously a lighthearted (if a little tasteless and, you know, idiotic) moment. So McCain responded in a similarly lighthearted (and, yes, a little tasteless and idiotic) way.
After the uproarious laughter subsided, McCain apparently launched into a serious answer about the complex political situation between Iran and the U.S. and a bunch of other politics-speak. So what’s the big deal?
Look, I’m no McCain enthusiast. I don’t agree with his ideology, his politics, or his choice of tie. If he wants to play no-rules street ball, I’ll put on my spiky fingerless gloves and take him on any day. But if politicians aren’t allowed to have a sense of humor in a situation that’s informal and lighthearted, maybe we should just skip to the part where robots take over, since we’re already at least a third of the way there.
The bottom line is, I’ve been listening to a lot of the Republican candidates (and potential candidates) for presidency, and I have to say, McCain’s joke isn’t even in the top 10 most idiotic things I’ve heard from that group. And most of the time they’re being serious. Don’t even get me started on the current Commander-in-Chief.
Charley may have taken on Gandhi and battled hand-to-hand with a tyrannosaur, but it’s been a long while since Sin Pies and beer got up-close and personal. Thankfully we’re doing it in style and showing you how to freeze an unopened Corona in the bottle.
Maybe I’m not getting them cold enough, but Newcastle and Fat Tire won’t freeze like this. Drop us a note in the comments if you find any other beers that will or figure out how cold we need to get something like a Guinness to pull this off.
I was defeated in my first two matches, and in retrospect it’s not that surprising. I’m pretty sure I was too ambitious. This time around, I’m picking on someone my own size: Gandhi. So maybe he’s smaller than I am and not prone to confrontation, and maybe I’m sort of an ass for making this challenge. But I need a win, dammit! And to be great, you have to beat great people at seemingly unimportant endeavors. So, I thought, who better to compete against than someone who basically won’t fight back but is known worldwide as a great human being? Having a competitive spirit goes hand-in-hand with being brutal, I’ve read, while pacifists generally take a milder approach to achieving their goals. So long as the categories aren’t “fasting,” “civil disobedience,” or “inspiring millions with the power of your convictions,” I should be able to eke out a victory and start the climb back to an even record. Let’s get it on!
Round 1: Civil disobedience
OH COME ON.
Gandhi: 1
Charley: 0
Round 2: Drunken friendly wrestling that turns serious
Now we’re talking. I don’t think there’s any doubt about who would win this round, but if you’re unsure maybe you should come over here and I’ll choke some sense into you. You know, after a few beers. You see, I’m generally not aggressive, but once in a while drunken wrestling can get out of hand, and when it does, watch out! I’d choke the hell out of anyone, including my own mother, if he or she looked at me the wrong way during a drunken wrestling match. I wish I could say that Gandhi would be an exception, but I’m afraid that’s just not the case.
Gandhi: 1
Charley: 1
Someone’s pet iguana is going to have his boner cut off because it hasn’t gone flaccid for over a week, reports Reuters. [Obligatory Viagra joke omitted] Maybe now Mozart, the iguana, will be able to focus on more important things, such as school. And his future.
The good news for Mozart and his mates is that male iguanas have two penises.
Mozart, sitting on the shoulders of his keeper as camera crews focused on his red, swollen erection, seemed unperturbed by the news.
The writer of this story, fresh off his or her stint ghostwriting a romance novel, should probably have pointed out that Mozart doesn’t understand what’s happening. I say that because he’s not capable of understanding. He’s an iguana. Plus, two penises or not, no organism is going to stand idly by and allow one of them to be whacked off. I meant … you know what I meant.
On a side note, those camera crews sound pretty capable.
I was defeated in 
