Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted one of these bad boys. Not since Nov. 29. I was 26 back then! Bear with me while I get it back on track. I’m out of practice!

Hey, did anybody notice that sometimes when our political leaders are speaking it seems like, you know, kinda like they’re not being completely sincere? It’s a little embarassing for me to bring it up, but it feels like our elected officials are mostly self-centered liars. Oh, don’t feel weird about my generalizing — I’m half representative. Yeah, on my mom’s side.

Shop talk: Some have suggested I change the name of this feature, which is usually just a bunch of interesting links with my commentary attached. Maybe I could call it “Interesting Links With My Commentary Attached.” Or maybe it’s just fine how it is, thanks.

TV: Did you watch the documentary that Steve Irwin was working on when he was killed? Yeah, me neither. Lots of people did, though. Curiosity or voyeurosity? (I needed a word that sort of sounded like “curiosity” but meant something like “voyeurism.”)

More TV: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a pretty great show. I always know a something I’m watching is good when it makes me want get into something new — writing sketch comedy for TV, in this case. Or like how the movie Critters just makes you want to go out and do that.

Film: Hey, the Oscar nominations are in! And in a surprising twist, the much-lauded Dreamgirls was ZZZZZZZZ …

Hey kids, you know how you like to make that shampoo mohawk while you’re in the bath? Then you get out and go look in the mirror, and it’s so awesome to see your hair like that! But your mom gets mad and says, “Your feet are wet you bastard! Get your skinny ass back in the tub!” Then she won’t even let you get that haircut. Well, don’t worry. When you grow up your hair can be like that whenever you want. Trust me.

Shop talk: I was just kidding, no one cares what I call this thing.

But hey, maybe you do and you just haven’t opened your mouth about it. If that’s the case, KEEP IT CLOSED, because this is News and Aaahs for Jan. 24!

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Barack Obama? Okay, let’s just clear this up right here, right now: It’s Obama NOT Osama. Little too close for some people, probably, but at least he’s a man.

Ha ha! That’s a terrible joke. Mostly because if Republican strategists see this it might give them ideas about how to discredit Obama some more. I can see it now. [cue daydream effects and music]

Dateline: Middle America

Obama a Black Muslim Pre-Op Transsexual Smoker Who Wants to Raise Taxes?

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Hey, you’re Time’s person the year; did you know? Sure it’s late notice, but I’m always looking for something to celebrate. And celebrate we should, unless you’re a member of Chrysler’s advertising team. God I love it when a plan …

What’s the exact bizarro opposite of “comes together”?

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The ASPCA should investigate Barbie. You see that look on her face?

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Thanks YesButNoButYes for introducing the world to Homeless Frank:

My mama should be President. She could beat the shit out of anybody. Use to throw shoes at me. Knocked a tooth out. She’s dead now. Still be a better President anyway.

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And how about a hilarious video:

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You may have noticed that some of these links were a little, uh, old. But in the grand scheme of things you’re the one who’s old, not this stuff. Just remember that, sir.

By Charley Daniels

Reuters: Man says he killed grandmother in rage over TV

A Russian man bludgeoned and stabbed his 81-year-old grandmother to death over a disagreement about what to watch on television, reports Reuters.

The man was drunk at the time, according to Tatyana Kordyukova, a police spokesperson in charge of telling people stuff they already assumed. However, she went on to say, “He could not remember exactly what it was he wanted to watch.”

By Charley Daniels

Anyone know if this awesome video is for real? I can’t decide whether I want it to be or not. Either way, wooha! I LOLZED.

[via YesButNoButYes]

Update: According to the comments on YouTube, it’s from a comedy show. So, fake. I guess I would have figured it out if I watched it all the way through before posting. Details, details. People on YouTube are arguing about what language they’re speaking. All I know is that not being able to understand them made this sketch a lot better than it would have been otherwise.

By Charley Daniels

Despite the resilience of laziness, many humans attempt to feel better and look better by engaging in rigorous physical activity. Exercise: tried and true, clinically proven, user approved. But how did anyone see the potential for a workout to improve our appearance and health? I mean, during a workout most people appear to be at their worst: ready to burst at the neck or sweat to death, all the while making noises and faces that don’t seem very healthy or even human. We know how it looks and feels to be lazy, and we know (or at least we can imagine) what it looks and feels like to have exercised. What we don’t pay enough attention to is that piece of between time when we are in the act of conditioning ourselves. Exercising is easily the most painful way to feel good and the ugliest way to become attractive, so let’s assess certain exercises during which many of us misplace our inhibitions while eyeing our goal.

Bench Press
An ideal exercise to prepare you for getting unstuck if something falls on your chest while you sleep, the bench press requires a bench and something to press, as the name implies. That thing can be a bar with weights on the end, or a lovely assistant. The former is most common. While I bench press I like to yell things, such as, “Stay back!” and “Take that!” and pretend I’m pushing someone out of my way. It helps to take my mind off the fact that I’m exercising. Judging by the looks I get, however, it does not make the bench press any more appealing to watch. The presence of a spotter — someone to save you if you’ve overestimated your strength — is optional, but often useful. Do not discover this the hard way.
The look: Prone and pumping, eclipsed by inhuman grunting.
The feel: Like being clotheslined by Mr. T.

(Continued)

By Charley Daniels

December has been a record month for the site’s traffic, mostly due to Project Wonderful, but also because of the response to my post about Stephanie Haranczyk, who went missing Dec. 5 and is still nowhere to be found. There have been requests for updates on the status of that search, but we’ve been reluctant to reveal too much publicly because it’s hard enough to find people who don’t want to be found without their knowing exactly what our tactics are. We will definitely sound a general alert when anything major happens. Thanks for the interest, and continue to spread the word for people to be on the lookout! Stephanie’s sister Isabelle has a MySpace blog with slightly more current information.

On to the keywords. I have really taken something away from searching through the thousands of referrals that Weblog Sin Pies received this year. What I took away was a glimpse into the searching habits of a diverse group, who loves porn and naked fat people. I also took away a great idea, which I will share with you sometime next month, after you’ve forgotten that I said it was “great.” Because maybe it’s, you know, not great at all. I’m not yet confident enough to stand by that statement. And maybe the idea isn’t new, which I should probably figure out before declaring what a genius idea I’ve had.

My only regret about the keyword lists is that I really wish I had compiled them first and then ranked them in order from best to worst, so that these lists got better with each volume. Unfortunately, that requires foresight and effort. No thanks! As it is, you may find that there are better examples in vol.1 and/or vol. 2. Don’t tell me about it, because I probably agree with you. Probably not, actually, but that’s beside the point; just remember that these are in no particular order. Got it?

>i saw you doing pies

E-mail and search engines are not the same thing, my friend. If you want to send someone a message, you’d probably have more luck shouting it out the window than typing it into Google. Unless you were trying to send the message to me, in which case, your methods are unorthodox but effective. Unfortunately, your message is not accurate. One does not “do” pies unless one is inspired by an overrated film about the activity. And in those rare instance, we call that “freakin’ the fillin’” — which I would never do with someone watching.

>poo bandit

The Urban Dictionary has a definition for “poo bandit” that I was unaware of when I wrote this post’s title, which partially comprises the words. Interesting how close I came to the real definition. Pretty close, for a pure coincidence. And here I thought “poo bandit” was just a funny phrase I made up.

>my mercedes
>my dream girl

It’s very unlikely that these referrals are from the same person, but I like to think that they are because of their similarity. I create a fictional man in my head. This guy is always losing things. Dude, search engines help you search, true, but you usually find information about things, not actual things. If you can’t find your car or your woman, call the police. If you never had a car or a woman and you’re hoping Google will provide them, maybe I should imagine you as slightly less pathetic.

>paleontologist pay scale?

You get paid for each syllable in the names of organisms you discover. So if you discover an ancient frog, you’re not going to do so well that week (the word “ancient” doesn’t count toward your paycheck). On the other hand, you’ll be set for a year if you discover a reticulated, bull-nosed, eight-toed, ridge-backed, turkey-necked, duck-billed, fighting super alligator man.

>boozemas

A new holiday that we can celebrate year-round! And boy do we. There’ll be a champagne fountain (empty by the time the party starts); a rousing session of boozemas carols, including hits such as “Bottle of Wine” and “All for Me Grog”; and on boozemas morning we’ll all exchange punches when our “playful wrestling” turns real. Of course, we can’t forget the reason and spirit of the season: to prove how awesome we are.

>”i didn’t register my car”

I guess some people are placated by typing their indiscretions into a search engine. It’s a confession with no consequences. Maybe it helps them prepare for an actual confession; seeing the search results reminds them that they aren’t alone in their chosen crimes. Some, on the other hand, use the search engine to avoid confessions altogether:

>do fingernails contain dna

Yes they do, partner. So if I were you I would start searching for “immediate flights to countries not included in the extradition treaty.” Don’t leave out the “immediate” part.

>big lumps of poo

It’s a good search string to end the year on because it always comes back to the old No. 2. Every year — in life, politics, relationships, jobs — it’s all just crap. In web searches too, apparently. Try as I might to steer the site’s content away from the topic, the word “poo” consistently brings people to Weblog Sin Pies. And why not? We all do it, except for hot girls. I’m not afraid to receive the shit-seeking masses. All are welcome! Just don’t, you know, talk to me or anything.