Weblog Sin Pies

By Mike Bijon

I’m not even sure where to start with this one:

I know where to end, though: I need to complain less when things go wrong.

By Charley Daniels

Alexis Bledel was on Letterman tonight, and I learned some gossip. But before I get to that, I want to say that I italicized “Letterman” so it wouldn’t sound perverted (you know, like: “she got on him”? But that italicization [of “on”] meant the opposite — it was supposed to connote something dirty, whereas the first use of italics didn’t mean that at all. And when I italicized “that” in the last explanation, it was more for emphasis — not like when I meant italics as a definite sign of something dirty, or after that when I used italics to emphasize the dirty connotation in the other sentence. Or before that, when italics were actually used to prevent a dirty connotation. Anyway, you get the point. Right?).

Regardless of all that, tonight we learned that the going rate on Gilmore Girls must not have been enough for Bledel to get herself Invisalign. Because if she had Invisalign, she wouldn’t have been so self-conscious about smiling. Basically, Alexis Bledel has braces and she was obviously self-conscious about it during her appearance on David Letterman’s show.

This has been my attempt to become a celebrity gossip blog. What do you think?

Next-day update: Unless, of course, she got the braces for some role she’s playing (in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, perhaps?). But if that’s the case, she should have mentioned them and laughed about it instead of being all closed-mouthed and weird.

By Mike Bijon

It looks a lot like BuzzDash Central around here. We may as well have some fun with it:

By Charley Daniels

Whew! Keeping this thing updated is taxing on the brain, you know? I’ve been compiling links for days, so many of the things you’re about to find out could be outdated. Not my problem. Read on!

I picked up John Hodgman’s “The Areas of My Expertise” last week. You know Hodgman — he’s the PC guy on the Apple commercials where the Mac is all young and cool and the PC is a big dumbass. “The Areas of My Expertise” is essentially what every humor writers’ personal notebook looks like — a compendium of random, made-up crap that no one is ever meant to read. I’m having a little trouble getting into it.

Celebrities: Jessica Simpson stars in a really bad movie, I guess. How disappointing. On the other hand, Paris and Nicole are buddies again. I knew they’d weather that storm.

North Korea’s gone nukular. Can’t we just torture them, or something?

So, Google bought YouTube. Big deal. Acquiring stuff is easy. For example, I got a DVR today.

Hey, dinosaur poo has been a staple around here for a while, so it’s good to see Ryan North over at Dinosaur Comics tackle an issue that’s dear to our hearts.

Well, you know the old saying: No news is good news … unless it’s News and Aaahs for Oct. 10!

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The Vatican is looking out for dead babies with a new initiative to eliminate limbo from the heaven-hell equation. You see, limbo is where babies end up if they die before being baptised. At least, it used to be:

The Catholic Church is concerned about the grief suffered by the parents of stillborn babies, which could be compounded if they believed the souls of their children were to be excluded from heaven.

Now, I’m not religious, so correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems pretty sketchy to just decide some part of your religion suddenly doesn’t exist. What do I know, though? I’m just some Godless skeptic. The Pope would probably know:

The Pope has been quoted as dismissing the notion as mere ‘hypothesis.’

It’s that easy? Can’t hell be hypothetical, then? Please?

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Can your tools do this?

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Man, there’s been a lot of shooting going on at schools. What gives, students? I guess the only way to stop school violence is to try to foster an environment where unstable kids feel safe coming out and talking to responsible adults about their troubled lives.

Or we could make it so that when kids start shooting, the teachers can shoot back.

Wisconsin state Rep. Frank Lasee, R-Green Bay, said he would introduce a measure in the state legislature early next year that would give teachers and other school employees the option of carrying concealed guns after they have received extensive weapons training.

Normally I would say something sarcastic and/or ironic, but a moment of sincerity is necessary in this case. Mr. Lasee, you are an effin asshat, d-bag, ca ca for brains. I did that as nicely as possible; thanks for listening.

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This country is certainly going to hell (not limbo, now, thank you very much. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Pope). Congress has passed a measure aimed at outlawing harmless online gambling and another that essentially legalizes torture. Priorities! Paul Phillips, writing about the torture bill, says it best:

If we can’t ‘win’ without torture then I don’t want to win. I think I’d rather see the planet dissolve into total nuclear annihilation then face a future where we expect the ostensible good guys to use torture to achieve their ends. Torture represents as fundamental a moral breakdown as there is. It is an absolute surrender of any claim to the moral high ground. The world (or at least those who have survived the last few years) is laughing at the absurd hypocrisy of our attempts to spread ‘freedom’ even as we show over and over that we have no idea what that means.

By Charley Daniels

Idea: new reality competition television program! It’s a race, like NASCAR, with cars and a track. But wait; there’s more! Each car is operated by a team of four people, instead of the usual (and, let’s admit it, BOR-ing) one person. Each of the four team members will have a vital role to play in ensuring a smooth race. One will operate the pedals, and another will operate the steering wheel. At this point it seems there’s nothing left for the other two to do. That’s because I haven’t finished explaining things yet. The people operating the vehicle will be blindfolded and will each have a partner. The partners will be able to see, obviously, and will be giving directions to their blindfolded teammates. Imagine all the yelling! The object of the show is to prove that your “friends” are usually your worst enemies and your biggest hindrance.

Hey, speaking of hindrances, did it rain in LA today for, like, five minutes, or what? What’s the deal with that?

If you don’t read Dinosaur Comics you’re pretty much dead to me. The same is true of The Perry Bible Fellowship.

Katie Couric is rocking it gravitas-style over at the “CBS Evening News.” Who’d a thunk it? CBS. Duh.

Don’t touch that dial, though. Cuz this is News and Aaahs for Oct. 1!

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Did you hear about that coup in Thailand? Everyone’s talking about it. But none is more excited than the “smile, it’s contagious” crowd. Turns out this government overthrow was of the friendly variety:

Thailand’s new junta is trying to soften its image, using a former beauty queen to make announcements, assigning female troops to help keep the peace in Bangkok and telling its soldiers to smile.

I told you military incursions don’t have to be all testosterone and frowns.

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A gym membership is like a rent-a-laziness detector.

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I’d like to present WSP’s first-ever Sneaky Motherfucker Award. The lucky winner is Sen. Bill Frist, R-Tenn., for his essentially successful effort to make online gambling illegal.

AMERICA’s $6 billion (£3.2 billion) internet gambling industry is facing meltdown after the US Senate pushed through a Bill at the weekend outlawing the processing of bets by banks and credit companies.

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Bill Frist, the Republican leader in the Senate, got the measure through by attaching it to an unrelated Bill that enhances port security.

Thank you for saving me from myself, fearless leaders! The rest of congress will receive the WSP Agree to Anything as Long as It Means We’re Done for the Night Award.

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Speaking of being done for the night, do you ever get really tired, and coffee just won’t do it? Red Bull is for pansies and college kids, right? If you’re nodding vigorously right now, you need to have some cocaine!

It’s a drink that contains nearly three times the caffeine as a cup of coffee, is supposed to have a ‘throat-numbing’ ingredient and is billed by its maker as a ‘legal alternative’ to the unlawful drug that carries the same name.

Sounds delicious!

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Take a step toward fulfilling your dreams this week, but whatever that involves, don’t invite this guy to your party unuless it’s BYOB. You get me?