Weblog Sin Pies

By Mike Bijon

Charley may have taken on Gandhi and battled hand-to-hand with a tyrannosaur, but it’s been a long while since Sin Pies and beer got up-close and personal. Thankfully we’re doing it in style and showing you how to freeze an unopened Corona in the bottle.

Maybe I’m not getting them cold enough, but Newcastle and Fat Tire won’t freeze like this. Drop us a note in the comments if you find any other beers that will or figure out how cold we need to get something like a Guinness to pull this off.

By Charley Daniels

I was defeated in my first two matches, and in retrospect it’s not that surprising. I’m pretty sure I was too ambitious. This time around, I’m picking on someone my own size: Gandhi. So maybe he’s smaller than I am and not prone to confrontation, and maybe I’m sort of an ass for making this challenge. But I need a win, dammit! And to be great, you have to beat great people at seemingly unimportant endeavors. So, I thought, who better to compete against than someone who basically won’t fight back but is known worldwide as a great human being? Having a competitive spirit goes hand-in-hand with being brutal, I’ve read, while pacifists generally take a milder approach to achieving their goals. So long as the categories aren’t “fasting,” “civil disobedience,” or “inspiring millions with the power of your convictions,” I should be able to eke out a victory and start the climb back to an even record. Let’s get it on!

Round 1: Civil disobedience
OH COME ON.
Gandhi: 1
Charley: 0

Round 2: Drunken friendly wrestling that turns serious
Now we’re talking. I don’t think there’s any doubt about who would win this round, but if you’re unsure maybe you should come over here and I’ll choke some sense into you. You know, after a few beers. You see, I’m generally not aggressive, but once in a while drunken wrestling can get out of hand, and when it does, watch out! I’d choke the hell out of anyone, including my own mother, if he or she looked at me the wrong way during a drunken wrestling match. I wish I could say that Gandhi would be an exception, but I’m afraid that’s just not the case.
Gandhi: 1
Charley: 1

(Continued)

By Charley Daniels

Some scientists say that the ultimate predator of all time is the tyrannosaur. That’s because they haven’t seen me at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Other scientists (and people at the buffet) have a different theory entirely. They believe that T-Rex was a scavenger — like a giant, scaly vulture — and not a predator at all. The scavenger theorists point to evidence of weak jaw muscles, a sign, they say, that the mouth of an adult tyrannosaur was meant for picking up scraps rather than crushing necks. But what does anyone really know about T-Rex, anyway? He’s dead, and all we have are bones. I, on the other hand, am alive and can bite through a soda can. That is a well-documented fact. You should see my military-grade nightguard. My dentist says it stops me from biting my own mouth off while I sleep — and he’s kind of like a scientist. So this match may not be as skewed as it appears on the surface. In my last match I took on God. I lost, of course. But T-Rex’s existence is a scientific certainty, while divine beings and dinosaur jaw strength aren’t, so I have a good feeling about this one. Let’s get ready to rumble.

Round 1: Making quesadillas
There are many reasons why I’m better at making quesadillas than T-Rex. A good mixture of cheeses and peppers is only the beginning. T-Rex ate mostly raw meat — scavenger or not. Though that alone does not automatically mean he has no vegetarian culinary abilities, the fact that cheese and tortillas did not even exist during the Cretaceous period would significantly hamper the quesadilla-making process. Do you expect me to believe that a dinosaur would take the time to invent the ingredients for a dish that he wouldn’t even want to eat? So let’s say we provide him with the ingredients. What’s he going to do, hold it over a volcano? Rub some sticks together with those arms? He doesn’t have a chance. The guacamole I put on the side is just delicious taunting.
Charley: 1
T-Rex: 0

Round 2: Having a good nickname
Oh, here we go. One of my greatest regrets is not being able to say, “Hi, I’m Charley, but you can call me [SOMETHING REALLY FREAKING COOL].” I’ll always just be “Charley,” so I can’t really compete in a nickname competition. T-Rex is a pretty great nickname, I’ll admit. In fact, I wouldn’t mind a bit if you decided to start calling me that. Even if you do, I can’t win because it was already my opponent’s nickname. I almost found a loophole in that “Charley” and “T-Rex” are both just shortened versions of our given names, thereby making them roughly equal in terms of their reason for existing. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s any doubt which is more awesome. Plus tyrannosaur means “tyrant lizard,” so he’s got another to fall back on.
Charley: 1
T-Rex: 1

(Continued)

By Charley Daniels
Wherein I take stuff on, hypothetically. Let’s cut right to the bone, baby. I don’t know much about this God fellow, but a lot of people believe he’s done some amazing stuff. Even still, they don’t deny that on the seventh day he had to rest. He can’t be all that great. Maybe he’s only slightly better than me — and slightly better is beatable. I probably can’t beat him at his own game, but I have game, too. Once I was standing at an airport next to Third Eye Blind frontman Stephan Jenkins, who was telling the counter agent that he had more frequent flyer miles than God. (The flight was overbooked and they had given first priority to customers with higher mileage. Apparently, God had been allowed a seat, but Jenkins was still on the waiting list.) If a pseudo-rockstar has more frequent flyer miles than God, you better believe he’s fallible. God is fallible, I mean. You get the picture. Let’s get ready to rumble.

Round 1: Creating existence in seven days

Six if you don’t count that day of rest. See, God created everything in six days and then took a vacation, which I saw as a weakness, but it was actually his doing the job ahead of schedule and then using that last day to do whatever he wanted. That’s pretty good, especially since he inadvertently created the week in the process. I tried to create the universe and after two months I couldn’t even create gold. That’s only one element!

God: 1
Charley: 0

Round 2: Thumb wrestling

God doesn’t even have thumbs — he is an entity, after all. Without thumbs, not even a deity could beat me in a thumb-wrestling competition. Because I have two. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that he did have thumbs. Okay, I still would have won because I’m undefeated at thumb wrestling. My crazy digits can bend in ways not humanly possible, thereby putting them on par with non-humans like God. Also, I’m a lot younger than God, so any event that requires dexterity and stamina is mine for the taking. “Almighty” my ass.

God: 1
Charley: 1

(Continued)