Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

By Charley Daniels

Most of you probably think it’s real easy to stay on the good side of the law, but what does that really mean? I do more legal things than illegal things, because let’s face it, most things aren’t illegal. That said, is there anyone who does only legal things? I don’t know how you could. Everyone breaks the law at some point, and maybe without even knowing it! That’s because the line between lawful and criminal often hangs on a nuance or detail. Like, it’s not illegal to sleep in, unless you’re in a bed that’s in a house that you’re not technically supposed to be in. A small detail.

It’s totally legal to steal away into the night, but most other kinds of stealing are not allowed. That seems picky.

It’s not illegal to kill someone with kindness, because that’s just a cliche. Unless the person actually dies, then it’s probably illegal unless you can prove you didn’t mean to actually kill him. Also illegal: if Kindness is the name of your pet crocodile.

Drinking and singing is fine. Drinking and dancing is encouraged (with some exceptions). Drinking and painting, drinking and video games, drinking and passing out in the living room — all fine. But the moment you drink and kidnap a politician’s kid for ransom, the law comes down on you big time. Who can keep all this straight?

Can you be an arsonist without committing arson? Probably technically, but then what kind of pathetic arsonist are you really?

It’s perfectly legal to look out your neighbors’ windows, if they’ve invited you over to hang out. But — even later that same night — if you decide to look into the same exact windows at 3 a.m., it’s suddenly against the law.

I hope I’m not confusing anyone by pointing out how often the difference between legal things and illegal things is too close to call. Here’s a tip: If you’re unsure whether what you’re doing is ok, just stand still a minute, take a deep breath, and listen for sirens. If you hear them, well, that could be your answer (also, run!). If you don’t, it isn’t really a definitive answer, but at least you know that what you’re doing isn’t illegal yet. Perception is reality, and if no one is around to perceive your activities and call the police, the reality is you should keep doing whatever you want.

Sometimes it seems like it just comes down to verbs. Verbs are a part of speech that police officers and district attorneys accuse you of doing “blatantly” and “without regard to other people’s well-being.” You know, verbs. It’s very polite to say hi to someone, but if you try to get high with someone, prepare to face the consequences, especially if that someone is an undercover officer. Identify a safety hazard, you’re a hero; create a safety hazard, you’re in trouble. Who can keep track of what’s right or wrong when such subtlety is at play?

In the end, it all comes down to math. Or luck. Or some combination of the two that no one has invented a word for yet. Luckmatics. And even though determining the difference between legal and illegal is difficult in theory, in practice it’s actually pretty simple: When in doubt, odds are it’s legal. And even if it’s not, there’s a luckmatical chance you won’t get caught anyway, so go for it.

By Charley Daniels

Well, it’s that time of year when some of us start making a list of things we’re going to try for the first time, or do better, or quit doing entirely. The only problem with lists is that they’re so hard to follow. Like when I take a list to the grocery store, I never end up with only the stuff on the list. In fact, sometimes I forget the list in the car and just wander around the store for hours.

There are times I think lists are designed to make you ignore them. Like that list of “rules” by the swimming pool. Or the one on the side of my prescription. My police record is a list of sorts. The point is, lists can become your enemy if you let them, much like the neighbor kids or your mechanic. But they’re not all bad. Lists can also tell you a lot about things in a certain, arbitrarily defined group. Lists reveal how much you know about the world in general, or how much you don’t know about your own family. It’s time to embrace lists.

So for the first time ever, I have a New Year’s resolution: to make more of those things I’ve already referred to so many times that the word is starting to sound weird to me. You know what I mean.

Following is a list of just some of the lists I’ll be making in 2009.

• Things I can do instead of that thing I was supposed to do
• Snacks I can eat in one bite
• Colors my hair will never be
• People around whom I should probably at least pretend that I’m sober
• Stuff I really should dust
• College degrees I would have failed to receive had I attempted them
• People whom I’ll never sleep with
• People whom I’ll never sleep near, because they frighten me
• Things you can do with allergy medication other than mitigate the symptoms of allergies
• Things better said in writing
• Meadows I’ve run across into the open arms of a woman
• Women whose open arms I’ve run across a meadow to be embraced by
• Meadows that are too geographically risky to run across, regardless of whose arms are waiting, open
• Ways I’m like a robot
• Different sets of last words for various situations
• Best of 2009: The Lists

What else should I list in 2009?

By Charley Daniels

Yet another thing that fills me with holiday cheer this mid-December, courtesy of Amazon.com’s “latest discussion” feature:

Divorce, becoming a recluse, dementia — there are a number of contenders on there, but you can see which one I immediately clicked on. I mean, who isn’t curious what to get for the parent with dementia who actually believes that he or she has everything?