Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

So Brad Pitt is cast in Inglorious Bastards, the latest Quentin Tarantino movie. Can you even wait? I thought not.

I wrote the headline on the linked story: “Brad Pitt, Simon Pegg hang with Bastards.” But the first version of the story, earlier today, was just about the Brad Pitt casting, and I had some trouble writing that headline. I actually started with “Brad Pitt to take on Bastards” as the hed, but I realized immediately after I wrote it that there was a problem. Namely, it was a little too cute with regard to Mr. Pitt’s current family status, what with his being stepdad to a bunch of orphans and everything. It sounded a lot like I was making fun of him and/or those kids.

“A bunch more Bastards in the Pitt house”

“It’s as if Brad Pitt collects Bastards”

“Some lucky Bastards live with Brad Pitt

“Pitt loves dem Bastards, obviously”

Variety went with “Brad Pitt is officially a Bastard,” which seems jerky but is actually a little less offensive than pointing out that his kids don’t have biological fathers. And Variety did take some creative license (the film is called Inglorious Bastards. Plural. Meaning someone on their copy desk at some point today had to say, “Close enough,” just so they could be cute).

So I changed that original hed to something more innocuous, and in doing that realized I’ve reached a point in my career where I’m worried what Brad Pitt thinks of the headlines I write, which is totally terrible. Trying to avoid a publicist backlash should be the last thing that concerns me. Maybe it’s time to throw in the towel, raise the white flag, and other surrender metaphors too. I don’t want to be in a place where I avoid what could have been a pretty funny, subtle joke (even if it was accidental) just so I don’t have to deal with … what? A publicist calling to demand a hed change? I still can’t quite pinpoint what my hesitation was, but here we are.

So in the spirit of my wussy rewrite, let’s have some Brad Pitt Bastards headlines in the comments. Let me know what I really should have done.

By Charley Daniels

Haaaaw! I rish to reave work at rondary for sandrich at Quiznos. Haaaaw!

By Charley Daniels

If I were an elementary school teacher, just for fun and science I’d implement “bring an extra lunch day,” in which all the children who brought their lunch from home would be required to bring an extra, identical lunch with them. Then we’d do an experiment to see how many kid-sized lunches one elementary school teacher could eat before he was full.

Other fun experiments include “How many kids fit in this thing?” “How long can you kids keep quiet, or else?” and my favorite, “How many drinks can teachers have in one afternoon?”

But don’t get me wrong, it isn’t all exciting science in my classroom. There’s plenty of math and social studies and boring crap like that, because that helps the kids appreciate my fun experiments that much more.

Another cool thing about being in my class is that I’m constantly calling in sick, even if I’m not really sick. That way my students will get to be treated to the viewpoints of many different teachers, rather than just one. It’s sort of like college, but the kids are still in elementary school. I think we can all agree that’s progressive education.

I like to assure parents that I never take it upon myself to discipline the kids, either. I firmly believe punishment is a parent-kid activity, and it’s something I just won’t do, no matter how hard I want to. In fact, when a student gets really rowdy and talks back to me, there’s a good chance I’ll break down sobbing and run from the room to call my mom, who lives in Oregon. Why are kids so mean?

The best part of having me as a teacher is my “summer tutoring” program, where I take turns living with a select few of my students during the summer vacation. It’s completely free to qualifying families and includes the tutoring, as well as my availability for dinners with the child’s mom and his or her dad, too, unless he’s super busy. All you have to do is provide me with my own room and all the food and drinks I want for the duration of my stay, which is determined by how well the needy kid responds to my tutoring. To apply for the program, just send a picture of the kid and his or her mom to the school, addressed to my attention.

And please, don’t nominate me for any of those dopey “teacher of the decade” awards. Seriously. I don’t want any publicity here. I just want to continue on with my fun experiments and my quality time with students’ moms or other guardians or whatever. I’m not doing this for me. It’s for the kids.

By Charley Daniels

Real quick. I attempted to start writing up a reunion recap, but I couldn’t find it in me to even look back sarcastically on the thing, so I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’ll keep trying, because it seems like there’s some important nugget there. Oh yes.

The vacation is officially over and I’m still trying to adjust to returning to work and my regular life. It isn’t easy. I have this violent self-confidence when it comes to work and, specifically, co-workers for whom I don’t have much respect. It’s not unlike when you’re breaking up with someone and you suddenly feel the urge to say all the things you’ve held back over the course of your relationship, and maybe you even make up some new ones that you don’t really mean but that you know will sting. I feel a little like that at work right now, which is dangerous, financially.

I’ll get the ball rolling again. I was doing good there for a while, right?

By Charley Daniels

GRANTS PASS, Ore. — Vacation day No. 7. What happened?

> I don’t know how my family eats the way they do and stays normal-looking. I’d be 900 pounds and diabetic. One morning for breakfast someone (I forget who) ordered French toast with a side of hashbrowns. That’s breakfast-ese for “cake with a side of fries.” First meal of the day, might as well start fantastically. Yes, I’m jealous.

> I went rafting today for the first time in at least four or five years. It was beautiful and awesome. The second official Charley Daniels Best Beast Award goes to blue herons. They’re all over up here. I saw one walking around in the middle of the river in a place where I needed a boat to get by. How does he do it? I also saw turtles, which get an honorable mention for being so well armored. Oh, and yes, I fell out of my boat. Got my ass kicked by a rapid called Dunn Riffle, which sounds like a froofy dessert, so that’s embarrassing.

> Rafting reminded me that I’ll always prefer drifting quietly through nature rather than tearing through it on a loud machine. Quads and snowmobiles are fun, sure, but give me rafts and snowshoes any day. This area is amazing, and if you live here it’s easy to take it for granted. Also, out of dozens and dozens of times floating the Rogue River, this was the first I’d done it while drinking, which is never as easy on a motorized vehicle.

> Corollary to those last two: River rapids are graded on a class system based on, well, something (too lazy to look). I think they should revise it to be based on how easy it is to drink a beer while running the rapid in a one-man boat. So, say, if you’re running the rapid and you can continue holding the beer and even take a drink, that might be a Class 1. If you have to squeeze your beer between your knees so you can use your hands to keep the boat under control, that might be a Class 2 or a Class 3 rapid. If your beer is not going to make it no matter where you wedge it, that might be a Class 4 or a Class 5 rapid, which we will definitely try to avoid.

> The first official Best Beast Award went to emus, which are ugly and have interesting personalities and cute babies and if this seems like a good time for a “hilarious” joke about me being ugly and having an interesting personality, please keep it to yourself. I’ll have pictures from our Wildlife Safari trip when I get back to L.A. That’ll be its own post, I’m thinking.

> Played some poker against a bunch of old people in Canyonville. Mostly uneventful, but when I got up to leave, one of the dealers announced to the room: “Charley Daniels, thanks for playing poker with us.” Forty crimson necks lifted excited heads into the air and swiveled the excited heads around. Then, all deservedly, like I was used to the attention, I said to the room, “Thanks for having me.” And forty hicks were instantly disappointed.

> It’s not drinking alone if you Twitter about it, according to Lore Sjöberg.

> I can’t even imagine going back into the office at this point. What did I do there? Something with words, I think. Or was it something with dishes? Or ladders? See, I can’t even imagine.

> Reunion! I’m trying to get enthusiastic. There will be live twittering. The thing officially starts around 6:30 p.m. PT Saturday night.