Isabelle took off for her 10-year reunion this weekend, leaving me home alone to fend for myself. Thanks a lot, Isabelle. Following is a list of things that I’m going to deny doing while she was away, because I didn’t do them, okay?
Leave the bed unmade for four days straight
Cook some steak in the “vegetable-only” grill pan
Drink from the carton
Not wash my hands
Snack from the bag and/or box
Peek in the neighbor’s windows in the middle of the night
Whiz all over the toilet bowl, exclaiming “Wooooo!” as I do so
Cuss randomly, out loud and for no reason
Leave an empty toilet paper tube on the holder in both bathrooms
Eat in bed for most meals
Use bathroom hand towels to clean whizzed-on toilet bowls
Watch Jon and Kate Plus 8, make hilarious sarcastic remarks
Watch Little People, Big World, no sarcastic remarks necessary
Attract cockroaches from the alley, treat them like pets and encourage them to hang out
Put a sign on our front door that says “Charley’s House of Pain”
Have friends over, let them go through Isabelle’s stuff
Time how long it takes to wiggle on my back across the whole apartment
A Texas woman and her neighbors believe they may have found the bodies of three chupacabras near their ranches in the town of Cuero. Their discovery is getting large amounts of national news coverage this weekend because A) nothing new happened in Iraq, Iran, or with any US economic report that the American public wouldn’t be bored to tears by, and B) the woman, Phylis, can’t be easily dismissed as a normal crazy American because she hacked the head off one of the alleged chupacabra bodies and stashed it in her freezer to proove what she found.
The real story, however, is that global warming has pushed a creature normally sighted in South America so far north (according to Wikipedia the chupacabra is normally sighted in Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Argentina, Bolivia, Chile, Colombia, Honduras, El Salvador, Panama, Peru, Brazil, and Mexico). At long last environmentalists and Texas ranchers have a common enemy to rally around. Once it’s gene-tested and identified it still won’t matter what the Creature of Cuero turns out to be descended from.
Chupacabra or not, it’s eating ranchers’ animals and is real enough that they’ll be looking to hunt them down and kill them all. Environmentalists already up in arms about the population of feral cats killing small, endangered animals throughout Texas will also be looking for the chupacabra’s head. As history (and the US occupation of Iraq) has shown, there’s nothing that will settle disagreements like the blood thirst for a common enemy.
Imagine this - the entire dancefloor has hidden danger spots. If one or both of the dancers happen to step on this spot, one of many ‘dangers’ can happen to them! Some ideas: springboard, flames, sandbags drop from ceiling, tiger gets released, super bright strobe light turns on, floor starts shaking, etc.
That would be better! His post inspired me to make a poll at BuzzDash:
Hey! Things are getting a little crazy around here. I’m moving and starting a new job (in addition to my current one) all in the same week! I’ll tell you more about the new job when it gets closer, because it’s top secret for now.
Boy, there’s some lively discussion going on in Dave’s American Apparel post. I only point this out because it’s essentially the liveliest discussion we’ve had since Sin Pies began, 150 posts ago. And, yes, 17 comments is a lot for one post on this site. We’re indie, man, INDIE! Come join the chit chat. Especially if you have an opinion about American Apparel T-shirts. Did I mention it’s completely lively?
Has it really been only 150 posts? Maybe the frequency will increase after I move and become inspired by my new awesome surroundings. Or maybe the frequency will decrease at that time. Hard to say.
Speaking of T-shirts, you fans should check out tcritic for links to a lot of cool shirts. Our latest sponsor is pretty stacked in that department, too.
Also, I know it seems early, but it’s never too late to start thinking about Halloween safety. It will ruin your fun if you cause some sort of lawsuit or get killed while you’re out trick-or-treating. With that in mind, here’s some unconventional suggestions that I came up with to help you really enjoy the holiday:
If you carry a flashlight or wear bright colors, kidnappers will have no trouble finding you. Wear dark, inconspicuous costumes, and stick to back alleys and side streets.
Run from house to house while still wearing your mask in order to get the most candy in the least amount of time. The faster and more recklessly you go, the quicker you will be back home, safe and sound.
If you notice that some of your candy has been opened, do not eat it! First, break off a piece and feed it to a friend to see if it has been contaminated.
Always trick-or-treat alone. Roving bands of “bag snatchers” look for groups in order to maximize their bounty.
In order to stay as warm and dry as possible, always accept an invitation to go inside someone’s house. Never stay outside in the cold when you have the opportunity to be inside making new friends.
Make sure you test whether your costume is fire resistant by putting it on and setting yourself on fire.
Help your reclusive neighbors by letting them know that their porch light is burned out and that they forgot to put up their Halloween decorations.
Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted one of these bad boys. Not since Nov. 29. I was 26 back then! Bear with me while I get it back on track. I’m out of practice!
Hey, did anybody notice that sometimes when our political leaders are speaking it seems like, you know, kinda like they’re not being completely sincere? It’s a little embarassing for me to bring it up, but it feels like our elected officials are mostly self-centered liars. Oh, don’t feel weird about my generalizing — I’m half representative. Yeah, on my mom’s side.
Shop talk: Some have suggested I change the name of this feature, which is usually just a bunch of interesting links with my commentary attached. Maybe I could call it “Interesting Links With My Commentary Attached.” Or maybe it’s just fine how it is, thanks.
More TV: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a pretty great show. I always know a something I’m watching is good when it makes me want get into something new — writing sketch comedy for TV, in this case. Or like how the movie Critters just makes you want to go out and do that.
Hey kids, you know how you like to make that shampoo mohawk while you’re in the bath? Then you get out and go look in the mirror, and it’s so awesome to see your hair like that! But your mom gets mad and says, “Your feet are wet you bastard! Get your skinny ass back in the tub!” Then she won’t even let you get that haircut. Well, don’t worry. When you grow up your hair can be like that whenever you want. Trust me.
Shop talk: I was just kidding, no one cares what I call this thing.
But hey, maybe you do and you just haven’t opened your mouth about it. If that’s the case, KEEP IT CLOSED, because this is News and Aaahs for Jan. 24!
Ha ha! That’s a terrible joke. Mostly because if Republican strategists see this it might give them ideas about how to discredit Obama some more. I can see it now. [cue daydream effects and music]
Hey, you’re Time’s person the year; did you know? Sure it’s late notice, but I’m always looking for something to celebrate. And celebrate we should, unless you’re a member of Chrysler’s advertising team. God I love it when a plan …
What’s the exact bizarro opposite of “comes together”?
Thanks YesButNoButYes for introducing the world to Homeless Frank:
My mama should be President. She could beat the shit out of anybody. Use to throw shoes at me. Knocked a tooth out. She’s dead now. Still be a better President anyway.
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And how about a hilarious video:
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You may have noticed that some of these links were a little, uh, old. But in the grand scheme of things you’re the one who’s old, not this stuff. Just remember that, sir.
Isabelle took off for her 10-year reunion this weekend, leaving me home alone to fend for myself. Thanks a lot, Isabelle. Following is a list of things that I’m going to deny doing while she was away, because I didn’t do them, okay?
A Texas woman and her neighbors believe they may have 
Hey! Things are getting a little crazy around here. I’m moving and starting a new job (in addition to my current one) all in the same week! I’ll tell you more about the new job when it gets closer, because it’s top secret for now.
Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted one of these bad boys. Not since 
