Weblog Sin Pies

By Mike Bijon

A Texas woman and her neighbors believe they may have found the bodies of three chupacabras near their ranches in the town of Cuero. Their discovery is getting large amounts of national news coverage this weekend because A) nothing new happened in Iraq, Iran, or with any US economic report that the American public wouldn’t be bored to tears by, and B) the woman, Phylis, can’t be easily dismissed as a normal crazy American because she hacked the head off one of the alleged chupacabra bodies and stashed it in her freezer to proove what she found.

The real story, however, is that global warming has pushed a creature normally sighted in South America so far north (according to Wikipedia the chupacabra is normally sighted in Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Argentina, Bolivia, Chile, Colombia, Honduras, El Salvador, Panama, Peru, Brazil, and Mexico). At long last environmentalists and Texas ranchers have a common enemy to rally around. Once it’s gene-tested and identified it still won’t matter what the Creature of Cuero turns out to be descended from.

Chupacabra or not, it’s eating ranchers’ animals and is real enough that they’ll be looking to hunt them down and kill them all. Environmentalists already up in arms about the population of feral cats killing small, endangered animals throughout Texas will also be looking for the chupacabra’s head. As history (and the US occupation of Iraq) has shown, there’s nothing that will settle disagreements like the blood thirst for a common enemy.

By Mike Bijon

Charley may have taken on Gandhi and battled hand-to-hand with a tyrannosaur, but it’s been a long while since Sin Pies and beer got up-close and personal. Thankfully we’re doing it in style and showing you how to freeze an unopened Corona in the bottle.

Maybe I’m not getting them cold enough, but Newcastle and Fat Tire won’t freeze like this. Drop us a note in the comments if you find any other beers that will or figure out how cold we need to get something like a Guinness to pull this off.

By Charley Daniels

December has been a record month for the site’s traffic, mostly due to Project Wonderful, but also because of the response to my post about Stephanie Haranczyk, who went missing Dec. 5 and is still nowhere to be found. There have been requests for updates on the status of that search, but we’ve been reluctant to reveal too much publicly because it’s hard enough to find people who don’t want to be found without their knowing exactly what our tactics are. We will definitely sound a general alert when anything major happens. Thanks for the interest, and continue to spread the word for people to be on the lookout! Stephanie’s sister Isabelle has a MySpace blog with slightly more current information.

On to the keywords. I have really taken something away from searching through the thousands of referrals that Weblog Sin Pies received this year. What I took away was a glimpse into the searching habits of a diverse group, who loves porn and naked fat people. I also took away a great idea, which I will share with you sometime next month, after you’ve forgotten that I said it was “great.” Because maybe it’s, you know, not great at all. I’m not yet confident enough to stand by that statement. And maybe the idea isn’t new, which I should probably figure out before declaring what a genius idea I’ve had.

My only regret about the keyword lists is that I really wish I had compiled them first and then ranked them in order from best to worst, so that these lists got better with each volume. Unfortunately, that requires foresight and effort. No thanks! As it is, you may find that there are better examples in vol.1 and/or vol. 2. Don’t tell me about it, because I probably agree with you. Probably not, actually, but that’s beside the point; just remember that these are in no particular order. Got it?

>i saw you doing pies

E-mail and search engines are not the same thing, my friend. If you want to send someone a message, you’d probably have more luck shouting it out the window than typing it into Google. Unless you were trying to send the message to me, in which case, your methods are unorthodox but effective. Unfortunately, your message is not accurate. One does not “do” pies unless one is inspired by an overrated film about the activity. And in those rare instance, we call that “freakin’ the fillin’” — which I would never do with someone watching.

>poo bandit

The Urban Dictionary has a definition for “poo bandit” that I was unaware of when I wrote this post’s title, which partially comprises the words. Interesting how close I came to the real definition. Pretty close, for a pure coincidence. And here I thought “poo bandit” was just a funny phrase I made up.

>my mercedes
>my dream girl

It’s very unlikely that these referrals are from the same person, but I like to think that they are because of their similarity. I create a fictional man in my head. This guy is always losing things. Dude, search engines help you search, true, but you usually find information about things, not actual things. If you can’t find your car or your woman, call the police. If you never had a car or a woman and you’re hoping Google will provide them, maybe I should imagine you as slightly less pathetic.

>paleontologist pay scale?

You get paid for each syllable in the names of organisms you discover. So if you discover an ancient frog, you’re not going to do so well that week (the word “ancient” doesn’t count toward your paycheck). On the other hand, you’ll be set for a year if you discover a reticulated, bull-nosed, eight-toed, ridge-backed, turkey-necked, duck-billed, fighting super alligator man.

>boozemas

A new holiday that we can celebrate year-round! And boy do we. There’ll be a champagne fountain (empty by the time the party starts); a rousing session of boozemas carols, including hits such as “Bottle of Wine” and “All for Me Grog”; and on boozemas morning we’ll all exchange punches when our “playful wrestling” turns real. Of course, we can’t forget the reason and spirit of the season: to prove how awesome we are.

>”i didn’t register my car”

I guess some people are placated by typing their indiscretions into a search engine. It’s a confession with no consequences. Maybe it helps them prepare for an actual confession; seeing the search results reminds them that they aren’t alone in their chosen crimes. Some, on the other hand, use the search engine to avoid confessions altogether:

>do fingernails contain dna

Yes they do, partner. So if I were you I would start searching for “immediate flights to countries not included in the extradition treaty.” Don’t leave out the “immediate” part.

>big lumps of poo

It’s a good search string to end the year on because it always comes back to the old No. 2. Every year — in life, politics, relationships, jobs — it’s all just crap. In web searches too, apparently. Try as I might to steer the site’s content away from the topic, the word “poo” consistently brings people to Weblog Sin Pies. And why not? We all do it, except for hot girls. I’m not afraid to receive the shit-seeking masses. All are welcome! Just don’t, you know, talk to me or anything.

By Charley Daniels

Some scientists say that the ultimate predator of all time is the tyrannosaur. That’s because they haven’t seen me at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Other scientists (and people at the buffet) have a different theory entirely. They believe that T-Rex was a scavenger — like a giant, scaly vulture — and not a predator at all. The scavenger theorists point to evidence of weak jaw muscles, a sign, they say, that the mouth of an adult tyrannosaur was meant for picking up scraps rather than crushing necks. But what does anyone really know about T-Rex, anyway? He’s dead, and all we have are bones. I, on the other hand, am alive and can bite through a soda can. That is a well-documented fact. You should see my military-grade nightguard. My dentist says it stops me from biting my own mouth off while I sleep — and he’s kind of like a scientist. So this match may not be as skewed as it appears on the surface. In my last match I took on God. I lost, of course. But T-Rex’s existence is a scientific certainty, while divine beings and dinosaur jaw strength aren’t, so I have a good feeling about this one. Let’s get ready to rumble.

Round 1: Making quesadillas
There are many reasons why I’m better at making quesadillas than T-Rex. A good mixture of cheeses and peppers is only the beginning. T-Rex ate mostly raw meat — scavenger or not. Though that alone does not automatically mean he has no vegetarian culinary abilities, the fact that cheese and tortillas did not even exist during the Cretaceous period would significantly hamper the quesadilla-making process. Do you expect me to believe that a dinosaur would take the time to invent the ingredients for a dish that he wouldn’t even want to eat? So let’s say we provide him with the ingredients. What’s he going to do, hold it over a volcano? Rub some sticks together with those arms? He doesn’t have a chance. The guacamole I put on the side is just delicious taunting.
Charley: 1
T-Rex: 0

Round 2: Having a good nickname
Oh, here we go. One of my greatest regrets is not being able to say, “Hi, I’m Charley, but you can call me [SOMETHING REALLY FREAKING COOL].” I’ll always just be “Charley,” so I can’t really compete in a nickname competition. T-Rex is a pretty great nickname, I’ll admit. In fact, I wouldn’t mind a bit if you decided to start calling me that. Even if you do, I can’t win because it was already my opponent’s nickname. I almost found a loophole in that “Charley” and “T-Rex” are both just shortened versions of our given names, thereby making them roughly equal in terms of their reason for existing. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s any doubt which is more awesome. Plus tyrannosaur means “tyrant lizard,” so he’s got another to fall back on.
Charley: 1
T-Rex: 1

(Continued)

By Charley Daniels

Whew! Keeping this thing updated is taxing on the brain, you know? I’ve been compiling links for days, so many of the things you’re about to find out could be outdated. Not my problem. Read on!

I picked up John Hodgman’s “The Areas of My Expertise” last week. You know Hodgman — he’s the PC guy on the Apple commercials where the Mac is all young and cool and the PC is a big dumbass. “The Areas of My Expertise” is essentially what every humor writers’ personal notebook looks like — a compendium of random, made-up crap that no one is ever meant to read. I’m having a little trouble getting into it.

Celebrities: Jessica Simpson stars in a really bad movie, I guess. How disappointing. On the other hand, Paris and Nicole are buddies again. I knew they’d weather that storm.

North Korea’s gone nukular. Can’t we just torture them, or something?

So, Google bought YouTube. Big deal. Acquiring stuff is easy. For example, I got a DVR today.

Hey, dinosaur poo has been a staple around here for a while, so it’s good to see Ryan North over at Dinosaur Comics tackle an issue that’s dear to our hearts.

Well, you know the old saying: No news is good news … unless it’s News and Aaahs for Oct. 10!

———————————————————-

The Vatican is looking out for dead babies with a new initiative to eliminate limbo from the heaven-hell equation. You see, limbo is where babies end up if they die before being baptised. At least, it used to be:

The Catholic Church is concerned about the grief suffered by the parents of stillborn babies, which could be compounded if they believed the souls of their children were to be excluded from heaven.

Now, I’m not religious, so correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems pretty sketchy to just decide some part of your religion suddenly doesn’t exist. What do I know, though? I’m just some Godless skeptic. The Pope would probably know:

The Pope has been quoted as dismissing the notion as mere ‘hypothesis.’

It’s that easy? Can’t hell be hypothetical, then? Please?

———————————————————-

Can your tools do this?

———————————————————-

Man, there’s been a lot of shooting going on at schools. What gives, students? I guess the only way to stop school violence is to try to foster an environment where unstable kids feel safe coming out and talking to responsible adults about their troubled lives.

Or we could make it so that when kids start shooting, the teachers can shoot back.

Wisconsin state Rep. Frank Lasee, R-Green Bay, said he would introduce a measure in the state legislature early next year that would give teachers and other school employees the option of carrying concealed guns after they have received extensive weapons training.

Normally I would say something sarcastic and/or ironic, but a moment of sincerity is necessary in this case. Mr. Lasee, you are an effin asshat, d-bag, ca ca for brains. I did that as nicely as possible; thanks for listening.

———————————————————-

This country is certainly going to hell (not limbo, now, thank you very much. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Pope). Congress has passed a measure aimed at outlawing harmless online gambling and another that essentially legalizes torture. Priorities! Paul Phillips, writing about the torture bill, says it best:

If we can’t ‘win’ without torture then I don’t want to win. I think I’d rather see the planet dissolve into total nuclear annihilation then face a future where we expect the ostensible good guys to use torture to achieve their ends. Torture represents as fundamental a moral breakdown as there is. It is an absolute surrender of any claim to the moral high ground. The world (or at least those who have survived the last few years) is laughing at the absurd hypocrisy of our attempts to spread ‘freedom’ even as we show over and over that we have no idea what that means.