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Hey NBC! Why not have the new American Gladiators serve as hosts and presenters at the ailing Golden Globes? Picket-line problems solved! Also, I’d totally watch that.
“And the winner for best actress in a musical or comedy television series is …”
Time for another exclamation-filled edition of Hey You! (Advice you didn’t even know you needed!).
Hey expecting mothers! If you think Dale is the perfect name, you’re right! There is a catch, however: There’s no little girl version! For Christopher, there’s Christina; for Charles, there’s Charlotte; for Nicholas, there’s Nicole — but what about Dale? Lovers of Dale with newborn girls need bear this burden no longer! For Dale, there’s Female Dale. It rhymes!
Hey interviewers and panel moderators! When you’re asking an interviewee a question, try to make it simple and open-ended, and definitely try not to answer the question for them! When an audience goes to see a panel discussion or Q&A, they aren’t interested in you, the moderator. For example, say you’re moderating a panel discussion that features the person who invented the spork. You might ask, “Where did you get the idea to combine a fork and a spoon?” Simple, direct, and open-ended! A less-successful attempt at the same question might go something like this: “So I read that one day you were having a picnic with your family and you only packed forks, which turned out to be a disaster because one of the dishes you brought along was a soup. And I mean, some soups work fine with a fork, and you can always drink the broth instead of scooping it, but even still that situation made you realize it would be great and economical to have a utensil that’s both a fork and a spoon…” And on and on until the spork guy interrupts you with some sort of answer (probably just “yes,” since you basically answered the question while you were asking it). Keep it simple, interviewers and panel moderators!
Hey big-drinking world travelers! Got 10 grand and a month to spare? Go on The World’s Biggest Pub Crawl! Twenty-five days of straight drinking! In 60 pubs! Across 12 countries! Spanning four continents! You haven’t drunk unless you’ve been drunk around the world!
image: Al GiordinoIt’s time for another exclamation-filled edition of Hey You! (Advice you didn’t even know you needed!)
Hey writers! Chant with me: Clarity before cleverness, clarity before cleverness, clarity before cleverness. No one’s going to get your awesome witticisms if they’re busy reading the setup over and over. They don’t have a clue what you’re talking about!
Hey U.S. folk! Thursday is Thanksgiving, a time for family, friends, laughter, love, and booze! Ha ha. I’m just being cynical again — every time is a time for booze! Everyone always focuses on Thanksgiving dinner. What about Thanksgiving breakfast? Here’s a dish that will go over really well with the visiting in-laws on Thursday morning: pigs in a smallpox blanket. Just wrap sausages in pancakes and cover with elderberry jam dots. Salty, sweet, and guilt-free (unless you’re counting calories)!
Hey turkeys! It’s not too late: RUUUUUUUUUN!
Hey Donald Rumsfeld! Make sure you make the most of today — and savor the memories of the last month or so — as it is very likely to be one of the only periods in your life where intelligent people continually refer to you as “outgoing.”
