Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

People in general put way too much stock in things that don’t matter. Hey people, why do that? IT DOESN’T MATTER.

It doesn’t matter what a person’s skin color is, or what a person’s religious beliefs are. It doesn’t matter where someone went to school or for how long. It doesn’t matter whom someone voted for, or politics in general, or socio-economic status. Quit focusing on what sort of clothes people wear, or how often someone “messes up” at work. It doesn’t matter how many spouses we’ve had, or jobs, or felony convictions.

How much money someone makes. What kind of car a person drives. What sort of shoes you wear. So many things mean absolutely nothing! The size of someone’s house. Who a person’s friends are. What I was doing between 5 p.m. and 3 a.m. on the evening of Nov. 13. Can’t we just move on?

Look, I know societal pressures push you to focus on certain things. But does it really matter how many drinks a person had before noon? I submit that it doesn’t. It’s almost as if it’s popular to get all hung up on insignificant stuff, like whether someone has a permanent address, or whether he owes you money. I mean, it’s like bathing or not bathing is affecting the global financial crisis. It’s not! Quit worrying about stuff that totally doesn’t matter.

People seem to think it matters so much how many hit-and-runs you’ve perpetrated not even counting the ones where you didn’t get caught. Why are people so worried about petty details? Is there really a substantive difference between “misdemeanor” or “felony” or “just an oopsie”? Not really. So quit asking questions like it matters.

Some of you are probably thinking, “But wait: In your world, does anything matter?” Of course things matter. Of course. But that’s a different post. This one is about the things that don’t matter, such as the spotted owl, orange traffic signs, and relatives twice removed.

Here’s an example: At your party the other day, you asked me how I intended to pay for that. I was too busy at the time to respond, because I was trying to keep my own belongings from catching fire, but now I have an answer: Does it really matter?

The main point here is people seem to care an awful lot about things that have no consequence in the Grand Scheme. And the more you focus on stuff that is neither here nor there, the more the important things slip by unnoticed. You might be all worked up about whether you bought lunch the last three times we went out, and suddenly terrorists attack somewhere. Notice what happened? You were focusing on things that don’t matter. While it’s not your fault that terrorists attacked … or is it? See, you might need to seriously rethink some stuff.

Thing is, it’s high time you stand up (do this now), thrust your fist in the air, and start focusing only on things that actually matter, while burying somewhere in your subconscious stuff that clearly does not matter, which is a list that includes these things:

• Which neighborhood a person lives in
• Bengal tigers
• Commitments
• Grooming
• Taxes on gambling winnings
• Step children
• Other types of children
• The color mauve
• Representin’
• Alley cattin’
• Listenin’
• Debts owed to weak or otherwise non-threatening people
• Birthdays
• Setting a good example
• Loaning me expensive equipment
• Promises not covered under the term “commitments”
• Non-Indo-European languages
• Niceties, pleasantries, saying the right thing, etc.
• Balanced nutrition
• Watching where you walk
• Watching what you say around elders, people in general
• Feelings
• Account balances
• Other

As usual, feel free to continue the list in the comments. Next time: something that matters!

By Charley Daniels

00.05

Each second is an eternity now, but it’s simultaneously really fast, almost like a single tick of a clock. We’re getting close. There are only a few numbers after five, but I’m not quite sure how many.

Then I start thinking about the number itself. Five? What’s “five” to me? Nothing, that’s what. It doesn’t even rhyme with anything important. Although, I guess “hive” is important if you’re a bee or some sort of jerk who harnesses bees to do your evil. I may have spoken too soon there, but just when I start ruminating on ill-formulated assertions–

00.04

Ah jeez. I’m really in it now. I’m dreading what happens next, but I also welcome it. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, let’s just get this over with. So many things in life feel that way — but what a waste! “Just tear the bandage off, man.” That’s crazy. Don’t just tear the bandage off, man! Life is what happens between the time you pry up the grubby corner of that bandage and the time you’re hopping around screaming, embarrassing yourself, while holding an abnormally hairy bandage in your pulling hand.

It’s funny that humans invented bandages to tape over our bloody wounds. And it’s funny how many we go through in a week.

Countdowns are like unrequited love: You can see clearly where it’s going, but you still watch each moment in case the inevitable somehow doesn’t happen.

00.03

This is where it gets intense. Or, intenser, anyway. Whatever chance there was that I might have been able to turn back is now two seconds older than it was a couple seconds ago. Think about it.

Can I stop this thing? There are some buttons on there, but what if pressing them speeds up the process, or makes some sort of high-pitched shrieking noise that’s really annoying? There has to be something I can do, because I’m dreading what happens when this mother gets to zero.

Sorry for sort-of swearing, but I’m under a bit of pressure right now.

Hey, why didn’t I start trying to figure out a way to stop this thing 87 seconds ago, when the counter said 01:30? Or three minutes before that, when it was almost at five minutes? Guess I wasn’t really in that frame of mind back then.

00.02

Wow. I guess this is the part where things flash before your eyes, or something. A few things are flashing for me. Like, the time I burned popcorn, or that day when I cut my thumb slicing an apple that turned out to be really mealy and flavorless. So, mostly bad food experiences are flashing before my eyes, which sort of makes sense if you know me at all.

But what’s going to happen next? Euphoria? Painful burning? I honestly have no idea, because I’ve never been in a spot exactly like this before.

Remember what I said earlier about five? I realize now that I was actually thinking of two when I said that. See, I get them confused. Easy to do, because just look at them, like mirror images of one another. So, to recap: “Two”? It doesn’t even rhyme with anything important, etc. etc. etc.

Man, these last couple seconds are really creeping along, aren’t they?

00.01

I never had a nickname, so maybe this will lead to that. You know, like “Hot Button” or “Seconds Left” — something quirky but sort of cool. “Countdown.” I dunno, maybe not.

The sad thing is, I didn’t even want this. Not that anyone ever does, probably, but I really didn’t mean to get myself into this mess. Most people in this situation, I think, go in with the mind that it’s a great idea, only to realize later that it wasn’t a good idea at all. Me? I knew from the start. So what happened?

00.01

I think the timer must be broken or som- Oh no, there it goes.

00.00

Well, time is officially up. I guess I have to eat this dollar-store microwave burrito now, unless it’s still frozen hard inside, in which case I’ll probably put it back in for a minute or two.

This has been five seconds with a melodramatic guy whose diet is somewhat questionable and who has no friends. [end scene]

By Charley Daniels

Bill O’Reilly and Dennis Miller don’t like The Hollywood Reporter:

Things to do before I die:
…
#3,186) Work for a publication that O’Reilly thinks is for “pinheads.”
…

Sorry for the lack of updates, but you know how it is. If it makes you feel any better, I had two great starts for blog posts that I ended up going back to and not liking. So I guess they weren’t “great,” after all. And I don’t know why that would make you feel better, either. It shouldn’t. Everything I just said was a lie.

Isabelle posted a few pictures from Halloween:

That’s me on the right. I’m a sailor from the neck up, and on the left is Alex … I wish Alex had dressed up.

By Charley Daniels

The proprietor of Headsup: The Blog says it best, so I’ll just send you over there:

How to lie with pictures

By Charley Daniels

Someone I know recently dropped her camera in the ocean. But not on purpose! That inspired me to wonder what a future civilization might think if they were trying to find out what we in 2008 were like but all they had as evidence was the CF card from my camera. They might think things like:

• The uniform of early 21st century man was ironic T-shirts
• They had no government, at least not one that encouraged productivity
• Personal hygiene fell short of adequate
• They weren’t a warlike civilization, because they would have lost
• Shoes hadn’t been invented
• 1,000 years ago, people always carried cups or brown bottles with various labels on them
• They were nocturnal
• Everything was some sort of joke in 2008
• They’d eat anything, and often did
• In the 21st century, clothing was still a novelty that was used only occasionally
• They lived communally, in large one-room dwellings with “disco balls” and “juke boxes” and scores of bottles on the shelves
• In 2008, asses and faces were equally important as a focal point

Comment time! What might people in 3008 think about our way of life if all they had as evidence was your camera?