Someone’s pet iguana is going to have his boner cut off because it hasn’t gone flaccid for over a week, reports Reuters. [Obligatory Viagra joke omitted] Maybe now Mozart, the iguana, will be able to focus on more important things, such as school. And his future.
The good news for Mozart and his mates is that male iguanas have two penises.
Mozart, sitting on the shoulders of his keeper as camera crews focused on his red, swollen erection, seemed unperturbed by the news.
The writer of this story, fresh off his or her stint ghostwriting a romance novel, should probably have pointed out that Mozart doesn’t understand what’s happening. I say that because he’s not capable of understanding. He’s an iguana. Plus, two penises or not, no organism is going to stand idly by and allow one of them to be whacked off. I meant … you know what I meant.
On a side note, those camera crews sound pretty capable.
A Russian man bludgeoned and stabbed his 81-year-old grandmother to death over a disagreement about what to watch on television, reports Reuters.
The man was drunk at the time, according to Tatyana Kordyukova, a police spokesperson in charge of telling people stuff they already assumed. However, she went on to say, “He could not remember exactly what it was he wanted to watch.”
Update: According to the comments on YouTube, it’s from a comedy show. So, fake. I guess I would have figured it out if I watched it all the way through before posting. Details, details. People on YouTube are arguing about what language they’re speaking. All I know is that not being able to understand them made this sketch a lot better than it would have been otherwise.
Despite the resilience of laziness, many humans attempt to feel better and look better by engaging in rigorous physical activity. Exercise: tried and true, clinically proven, user approved. But how did anyone see the potential for a workout to improve our appearance and health? I mean, during a workout most people appear to be at their worst: ready to burst at the neck or sweat to death, all the while making noises and faces that don’t seem very healthy or even human. We know how it looks and feels to be lazy, and we know (or at least we can imagine) what it looks and feels like to have exercised. What we don’t pay enough attention to is that piece of between time when we are in the act of conditioning ourselves. Exercising is easily the most painful way to feel good and the ugliest way to become attractive, so let’s assess certain exercises during which many of us misplace our inhibitions while eyeing our goal.
Bench Press
An ideal exercise to prepare you for getting unstuck if something falls on your chest while you sleep, the bench press requires a bench and something to press, as the name implies. That thing can be a bar with weights on the end, or a lovely assistant. The former is most common. While I bench press I like to yell things, such as, “Stay back!” and “Take that!” and pretend I’m pushing someone out of my way. It helps to take my mind off the fact that I’m exercising. Judging by the looks I get, however, it does not make the bench press any more appealing to watch. The presence of a spotter — someone to save you if you’ve overestimated your strength — is optional, but often useful. Do not discover this the hard way.
The look: Prone and pumping, eclipsed by inhuman grunting.
The feel: Like being clotheslined by Mr. T.
Everyone loves a funny video! Here’s one that’s “funny ha ha,” followed by one that’s “funny pathetic.” For some reason I can’t embed themembedded the hell out of them. One day I’ll get the hang ofcease being the master of this Internet.
