By Charley Daniels
Hundreds of millions of people all over the world tuned in to Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s televised memorial service this week. Another 5,000 were there in person. I caught about four minutes of it Tuesday night while I was waiting for something more interesting to start on a different station. In the little bit that I watched, I noticed something slightly disturbing: As the camera panned across the audience, people were waving at it like a bunch of yahoos at a Britney Spears concert. You’re at a funeral, people!
I hope there are thousands of people and a camera crew at my funeral. If I ever die, that is.
Poker: I’m a frequent reader and huge fan of the 2+2 Forums because my poker skills have at least doubled since I’ve been a regular there. That’s right, I now have double the skills. I don’t post a lot because I’m afraid I’ll be ridiculed for my simple-mindedness. Ridiculed by people whom I greatly respect as poker players. Turns out it’s true. OK, so I wasn’t exactly ridiculed. But no one thought the hand I posted was interesting, WHICH IT CLEARLY WAS. What do those “experts” know, anyway.
Poker, again: Speaking of poker, congress is once again trying its damnedest to ruin my fun. At least this time they’re not coming after me personally. It’s kind of scary, even for people who don’t care about Internet gambling. What’s next? Mandatory lobotomies? Think about it. Read more at the Poker Players Alliance.
WWW: Have you heard about this thing where you type “YOUR FIRST NAME needs” into Google and read the random results you get? So mine would be, “Charley needs to be watched constantly and he will be on medication for the rest of his life.” It’s SO true! I found out about this little game through a MySpace bulletin and laughed pretty hard at some people’s results. Dear Shoes on Powerlines, that’s something I’m ashamed of. But not nearly as ashamed as I would be if my name were Becky.
What do you need? Probably a serious kick in the pants, because this is News and Aaahs for Sept. 21!
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Unfortunately, it’s not about dino poo, but this article, Tyrannosaurus Sex, is all about another private dinosaur activity. The title alone is so good, I don’t want to bore you with the speculation that comprises most of the article. No one really knows how dinosaurs got busy, you see, but at least the fine folks over at Cosmos Magazine are asking the tough questions:
How did spiny stegosaurs mate without stabbing each other to death? And where did Tyranosaurus rex stow his crown jewels - or did he let it all hang out?
But it really is a fine piece of reporting, if only for this gem of a quote near the end:
‘Their mating had to be done with great delicacy and great precision. It must have been utterly charming to watch, quite unlike our own species.’
Those are the immortal words of L. Beverly Halstead, a british paleontologist whose drawings of “dinosaurs mating in different positions” inspired the author of the article.
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When you read News and Aaahs, do you picture me shouting it? Because that’s the way it happens in my head.
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A Florida man jumped off a 50-foot bridge into the Manatee River when the wind blew a $20 bill out of his hand as he walked across. Some stories need no smart-ass remark, so I’ll just let the man speak for himself:
‘I got my money back, hell yeah,’ [Mark] Giorgio told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune. ‘Twenty bucks is a lot of money when you’re broke.’
Hell yeah it is.
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Talk about charismatic leaders. Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez, speaking to the whole wide world during the U.N. General Assembly this week, called U.S. President George W. Bush “the devil.”
‘The devil came here yesterday,’ Chavez said. ‘He came here talking as if he were the owner of the world.’
Critics point out that Chavez is angling for Venezuela to gain a seat on the U.N. Security Council, which is sort of like the popular kids’ table in the cafeteria. Cynics point out that Chavez is just plain wrong — that, in fact, Bush speaks as if he were the owner of the whole damn universe.
Despite the resilience of laziness, many humans attempt to feel better and look better by engaging in rigorous physical activity. Exercise: tried and true, clinically proven, user approved. But how did anyone see the potential for a workout to improve our appearance and health? I mean, during a workout most people appear to be at their worst: ready to burst at the neck or sweat to death, all the while making noises and faces that don’t seem very healthy or even human. We know how it looks and feels to be lazy, and we know (or at least we can imagine) what it looks and feels like to have exercised. What we don’t pay enough attention to is that piece of between time when we are in the act of conditioning ourselves. Exercising is easily the most painful way to feel good and the ugliest way to become attractive, so let’s assess certain exercises during which many of us misplace our inhibitions while eyeing our goal.
