By Charley Daniels
December has been a record month for the site’s traffic, mostly due to Project Wonderful, but also because of the response to my post about Stephanie Haranczyk, who went missing Dec. 5 and is still nowhere to be found. There have been requests for updates on the status of that search, but we’ve been reluctant to reveal too much publicly because it’s hard enough to find people who don’t want to be found without their knowing exactly what our tactics are. We will definitely sound a general alert when anything major happens. Thanks for the interest, and continue to spread the word for people to be on the lookout! Stephanie’s sister Isabelle has a MySpace blog with slightly more current information.
On to the keywords. I have really taken something away from searching through the thousands of referrals that Weblog Sin Pies received this year. What I took away was a glimpse into the searching habits of a diverse group, who loves porn and naked fat people. I also took away a great idea, which I will share with you sometime next month, after you’ve forgotten that I said it was “great.” Because maybe it’s, you know, not great at all. I’m not yet confident enough to stand by that statement. And maybe the idea isn’t new, which I should probably figure out before declaring what a genius idea I’ve had.
My only regret about the keyword lists is that I really wish I had compiled them first and then ranked them in order from best to worst, so that these lists got better with each volume. Unfortunately, that requires foresight and effort. No thanks! As it is, you may find that there are better examples in vol.1 and/or vol. 2. Don’t tell me about it, because I probably agree with you. Probably not, actually, but that’s beside the point; just remember that these are in no particular order. Got it?
>i saw you doing pies
E-mail and search engines are not the same thing, my friend. If you want to send someone a message, you’d probably have more luck shouting it out the window than typing it into Google. Unless you were trying to send the message to me, in which case, your methods are unorthodox but effective. Unfortunately, your message is not accurate. One does not “do” pies unless one is inspired by an overrated film about the activity. And in those rare instance, we call that “freakin’ the fillin’” — which I would never do with someone watching.
>poo bandit
The Urban Dictionary has a definition for “poo bandit” that I was unaware of when I wrote this post’s title, which partially comprises the words. Interesting how close I came to the real definition. Pretty close, for a pure coincidence. And here I thought “poo bandit” was just a funny phrase I made up.
>my mercedes
>my dream girl
It’s very unlikely that these referrals are from the same person, but I like to think that they are because of their similarity. I create a fictional man in my head. This guy is always losing things. Dude, search engines help you search, true, but you usually find information about things, not actual things. If you can’t find your car or your woman, call the police. If you never had a car or a woman and you’re hoping Google will provide them, maybe I should imagine you as slightly less pathetic.
>paleontologist pay scale?
You get paid for each syllable in the names of organisms you discover. So if you discover an ancient frog, you’re not going to do so well that week (the word “ancient” doesn’t count toward your paycheck). On the other hand, you’ll be set for a year if you discover a reticulated, bull-nosed, eight-toed, ridge-backed, turkey-necked, duck-billed, fighting super alligator man.
>boozemas
A new holiday that we can celebrate year-round! And boy do we. There’ll be a champagne fountain (empty by the time the party starts); a rousing session of boozemas carols, including hits such as “Bottle of Wine” and “All for Me Grog”; and on boozemas morning we’ll all exchange punches when our “playful wrestling” turns real. Of course, we can’t forget the reason and spirit of the season: to prove how awesome we are.
>”i didn’t register my car”
I guess some people are placated by typing their indiscretions into a search engine. It’s a confession with no consequences. Maybe it helps them prepare for an actual confession; seeing the search results reminds them that they aren’t alone in their chosen crimes. Some, on the other hand, use the search engine to avoid confessions altogether:
>do fingernails contain dna
Yes they do, partner. So if I were you I would start searching for “immediate flights to countries not included in the extradition treaty.” Don’t leave out the “immediate” part.
>big lumps of poo
It’s a good search string to end the year on because it always comes back to the old No. 2. Every year — in life, politics, relationships, jobs — it’s all just crap. In web searches too, apparently. Try as I might to steer the site’s content away from the topic, the word “poo” consistently brings people to Weblog Sin Pies. And why not? We all do it, except for hot girls. I’m not afraid to receive the shit-seeking masses. All are welcome! Just don’t, you know, talk to me or anything.
Thought I’d start the long, long month off right with a good old-fashioned keyword roundup. It’s sort of like the stretching you do before the sprint. Or the marathon. Or the bail hearing. Or whatever. 
What a busy month it’s going to be! I don’t know where I’ll find the time, frankly, what with holiday parties, deciding what the future holds (New Year’s resolution side bets, anyone?), and heading north for the winter. I’ll be in Oregon Dec. 21-26, so don’t come steal my things. Ah hell, I better just bring everything with me.
