Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Feeling better today than I did yesterday. That’s mostly because today’s a new day, and it will be free from workplace injustice and/or shenanigans. First question I’ll ask future potential employers: “At what level of shenanigans does your business operate in a typical week? Mmm hm. And around the holidays?”

I don’t generally like button-fly pants, but there are definitely some pluses.

Today is Jaxon’s birthday; we’re going to feed him some booze and make him tap dance. He probably won’t, though. Some birthday.

At the publication where I work, I think we use too many semicolons. Someone smart once said that people overuse the word “irony,” which is definitely true. That person said that usually what people mean is “coincidence” or “unlucky” and that real irony is harder to come by. I’m paraphrasing and maybe even embellishing, but I think I’ve pretty accurately represented what was said.

Anyway, semicolons are the same way: Where they’re actually needed, I think, is harder to come by than you would guess based on our usage. Will I say or do anything? No, because there are so many things that are more important. But I’ll still think about it, and I’ll notice it; I just won’t care. I used two semicolons in this blog post. I used them properly, though neither was necessary, and I’m not sure either did much for the meaning, readability, or quality of the post. See what I mean?

By Charley Daniels

Despite the resilience of laziness, many humans attempt to feel better and look better by engaging in rigorous physical activity. Exercise: tried and true, clinically proven, user approved. But how did anyone see the potential for a workout to improve our appearance and health? I mean, during a workout most people appear to be at their worst: ready to burst at the neck or sweat to death, all the while making noises and faces that don’t seem very healthy or even human. We know how it looks and feels to be lazy, and we know (or at least we can imagine) what it looks and feels like to have exercised. What we don’t pay enough attention to is that piece of between time when we are in the act of conditioning ourselves. Exercising is easily the most painful way to feel good and the ugliest way to become attractive, so let’s assess certain exercises during which many of us misplace our inhibitions while eyeing our goal.

Bench Press
An ideal exercise to prepare you for getting unstuck if something falls on your chest while you sleep, the bench press requires a bench and something to press, as the name implies. That thing can be a bar with weights on the end, or a lovely assistant. The former is most common. While I bench press I like to yell things, such as, “Stay back!” and “Take that!” and pretend I’m pushing someone out of my way. It helps to take my mind off the fact that I’m exercising. Judging by the looks I get, however, it does not make the bench press any more appealing to watch. The presence of a spotter — someone to save you if you’ve overestimated your strength — is optional, but often useful. Do not discover this the hard way.
The look: Prone and pumping, eclipsed by inhuman grunting.
The feel: Like being clotheslined by Mr. T.

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