Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

This week I partook of the sweet nectar that is “what everybody else is doing” (versus my usual activity of “mostly working and not much else”). Yes, I picked up a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV: Lord of Illusions and I went and saw Iron Man on opening weekend.

Iron Man made eleventy-billion-ten dollars and seventy-five cents domestically, and five-twenty times that combined with its international numbers. (I know because I work in entertainment journalism, so don’t get too impressed.) Oh, and the $10.75 was from me, thank you very much. So you know it had to be a good movie, even if our particular screening didn’t show the secret scene after the credits.

Grand Theft Auto IV, on the other hand, lets you punch a bitch out for absolutely no reason. If you’re like me, you do this often enough that it actually gets in the way of your trying to do the missions in the game. Like, I’ll need to get from point A to point B — it’s simple really, just go there. But on the way a homeless man asks me for money, so I hit him with a brick. Then the cops come (since when do cops care about homeless people?) and I have to steal a car for a fast getaway, which makes them even more duty-bound to stop me, or whatever. So now I really need to escape, except I’m not very good at driving yet because I’ve spent most of my time hitting people with bricks. It doesn’t help that in my panic I inevitably grab some delivery van or airline luggage cart. So it takes a ton of time to lose the fuzz, and by then I have to go do something in real life, and I can’t finish the original mission: getting from point A to point B.

You learn a lot about yourself from playing this game, which means it’s educational, which means it’s good for kids.

By Charley Daniels

Almost didn’t make it to this post, as the site was down for some reason for much of the day. Working on that. Could require some technical prowess and maybe even a bit of tinkering. But NaBloPoMo hasn’t defeated me yet! In fact, it’s inspired me.

It feels good to be inspired. Do you know what I mean? Maybe I can inspire you today.

There’s no excuse for you not to be doing exactly what you want to be doing. Well, there are excuses, but they’re just that — excuses. They’re not good excuses, the sort that let you off the hook for whatever it is you’re hoping to excuse. You hate your job, right? Well, why? Have you watched TV lately? Been to YouTube?

The thing is, you can get paid to do pretty much anything these days. It’s called reality TV. You just have to get a production company involved and anything you do can be financed by television. Hanging out. Sanding boards. Punching. Yelling. Sharpening metal. Grapes. Whatever it is, there’s a market for it.

No mainstream media companies biting? Become an internet sensation! Put on a costume and video yourself messing with people in a Wal-Mart. Or better still, video Wal-Mart customers messing with you. You could start a vlog about your cat. (Attention Luddites: A vlog is like a talkie in the silent era of blogs, you dig?)

There’s an audience out there for anything you can think of. You just have to be specific, and you just have to find them. Eventually you’ll be rich. I mean, something has to happen between conception and success, but that’s outside the scope of this analysis. Lottery, maybe?

By Charley Daniels

Liberal blogs, pundits, and talking heads, in cooperation with the recently formed Society for Preservation of Beach Boys Song Lyrics, are foaming at the mouth over Republican Senator John McCain’s parody of the Beach Boys song “Barbara Ann” (video after the jump), in which he turned the words of the song into “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.” The impromptu performance came during a speaking engagement where McCain was asked by an audience member whether the U.S. should send Iran a message via air mail. Get it? “Air” mail? Obviously a lighthearted (if a little tasteless and, you know, idiotic) moment. So McCain responded in a similarly lighthearted (and, yes, a little tasteless and idiotic) way.

After the uproarious laughter subsided, McCain apparently launched into a serious answer about the complex political situation between Iran and the U.S. and a bunch of other politics-speak. So what’s the big deal?

Look, I’m no McCain enthusiast. I don’t agree with his ideology, his politics, or his choice of tie. If he wants to play no-rules street ball, I’ll put on my spiky fingerless gloves and take him on any day. But if politicians aren’t allowed to have a sense of humor in a situation that’s informal and lighthearted, maybe we should just skip to the part where robots take over, since we’re already at least a third of the way there.

The bottom line is, I’ve been listening to a lot of the Republican candidates (and potential candidates) for presidency, and I have to say, McCain’s joke isn’t even in the top 10 most idiotic things I’ve heard from that group. And most of the time they’re being serious. Don’t even get me started on the current Commander-in-Chief.

(Continued)

By Charley Daniels

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted one of these bad boys. Not since Nov. 29. I was 26 back then! Bear with me while I get it back on track. I’m out of practice!

Hey, did anybody notice that sometimes when our political leaders are speaking it seems like, you know, kinda like they’re not being completely sincere? It’s a little embarassing for me to bring it up, but it feels like our elected officials are mostly self-centered liars. Oh, don’t feel weird about my generalizing — I’m half representative. Yeah, on my mom’s side.

Shop talk: Some have suggested I change the name of this feature, which is usually just a bunch of interesting links with my commentary attached. Maybe I could call it “Interesting Links With My Commentary Attached.” Or maybe it’s just fine how it is, thanks.

TV: Did you watch the documentary that Steve Irwin was working on when he was killed? Yeah, me neither. Lots of people did, though. Curiosity or voyeurosity? (I needed a word that sort of sounded like “curiosity” but meant something like “voyeurism.”)

More TV: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a pretty great show. I always know a something I’m watching is good when it makes me want get into something new — writing sketch comedy for TV, in this case. Or like how the movie Critters just makes you want to go out and do that.

Film: Hey, the Oscar nominations are in! And in a surprising twist, the much-lauded Dreamgirls was ZZZZZZZZ …

Hey kids, you know how you like to make that shampoo mohawk while you’re in the bath? Then you get out and go look in the mirror, and it’s so awesome to see your hair like that! But your mom gets mad and says, “Your feet are wet you bastard! Get your skinny ass back in the tub!” Then she won’t even let you get that haircut. Well, don’t worry. When you grow up your hair can be like that whenever you want. Trust me.

Shop talk: I was just kidding, no one cares what I call this thing.

But hey, maybe you do and you just haven’t opened your mouth about it. If that’s the case, KEEP IT CLOSED, because this is News and Aaahs for Jan. 24!

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Barack Obama? Okay, let’s just clear this up right here, right now: It’s Obama NOT Osama. Little too close for some people, probably, but at least he’s a man.

Ha ha! That’s a terrible joke. Mostly because if Republican strategists see this it might give them ideas about how to discredit Obama some more. I can see it now. [cue daydream effects and music]

Dateline: Middle America

Obama a Black Muslim Pre-Op Transsexual Smoker Who Wants to Raise Taxes?

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Hey, you’re Time’s person the year; did you know? Sure it’s late notice, but I’m always looking for something to celebrate. And celebrate we should, unless you’re a member of Chrysler’s advertising team. God I love it when a plan …

What’s the exact bizarro opposite of “comes together”?

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The ASPCA should investigate Barbie. You see that look on her face?

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Thanks YesButNoButYes for introducing the world to Homeless Frank:

My mama should be President. She could beat the shit out of anybody. Use to throw shoes at me. Knocked a tooth out. She’s dead now. Still be a better President anyway.

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And how about a hilarious video:

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You may have noticed that some of these links were a little, uh, old. But in the grand scheme of things you’re the one who’s old, not this stuff. Just remember that, sir.

By Charley Daniels

Man, my last post should have been called “the GIF that keeps on giving.” I hate when I realize the way I should have done something. It hurts my head. Guess that’s what I get for thinking about old crap.

It feels cheap that I keep posting these and not actually, you know, creating anything myself, but there are undoubtedly several among you that find this arrangement is better. I’m broadening my reader base.

This is the last video in my “to watch” folder of my RSS reader, and I had no intention of reposting. But then I watched it. It’s really funny.

“A Special Christmas Box”:

(via Lost Remote)