Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted one of these bad boys. Not since Nov. 29. I was 26 back then! Bear with me while I get it back on track. I’m out of practice!

Hey, did anybody notice that sometimes when our political leaders are speaking it seems like, you know, kinda like they’re not being completely sincere? It’s a little embarassing for me to bring it up, but it feels like our elected officials are mostly self-centered liars. Oh, don’t feel weird about my generalizing — I’m half representative. Yeah, on my mom’s side.

Shop talk: Some have suggested I change the name of this feature, which is usually just a bunch of interesting links with my commentary attached. Maybe I could call it “Interesting Links With My Commentary Attached.” Or maybe it’s just fine how it is, thanks.

TV: Did you watch the documentary that Steve Irwin was working on when he was killed? Yeah, me neither. Lots of people did, though. Curiosity or voyeurosity? (I needed a word that sort of sounded like “curiosity” but meant something like “voyeurism.”)

More TV: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a pretty great show. I always know a something I’m watching is good when it makes me want get into something new — writing sketch comedy for TV, in this case. Or like how the movie Critters just makes you want to go out and do that.

Film: Hey, the Oscar nominations are in! And in a surprising twist, the much-lauded Dreamgirls was ZZZZZZZZ …

Hey kids, you know how you like to make that shampoo mohawk while you’re in the bath? Then you get out and go look in the mirror, and it’s so awesome to see your hair like that! But your mom gets mad and says, “Your feet are wet you bastard! Get your skinny ass back in the tub!” Then she won’t even let you get that haircut. Well, don’t worry. When you grow up your hair can be like that whenever you want. Trust me.

Shop talk: I was just kidding, no one cares what I call this thing.

But hey, maybe you do and you just haven’t opened your mouth about it. If that’s the case, KEEP IT CLOSED, because this is News and Aaahs for Jan. 24!

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Barack Obama? Okay, let’s just clear this up right here, right now: It’s Obama NOT Osama. Little too close for some people, probably, but at least he’s a man.

Ha ha! That’s a terrible joke. Mostly because if Republican strategists see this it might give them ideas about how to discredit Obama some more. I can see it now. [cue daydream effects and music]

Dateline: Middle America

Obama a Black Muslim Pre-Op Transsexual Smoker Who Wants to Raise Taxes?

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Hey, you’re Time’s person the year; did you know? Sure it’s late notice, but I’m always looking for something to celebrate. And celebrate we should, unless you’re a member of Chrysler’s advertising team. God I love it when a plan …

What’s the exact bizarro opposite of “comes together”?

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The ASPCA should investigate Barbie. You see that look on her face?

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Thanks YesButNoButYes for introducing the world to Homeless Frank:

My mama should be President. She could beat the shit out of anybody. Use to throw shoes at me. Knocked a tooth out. She’s dead now. Still be a better President anyway.

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And how about a hilarious video:

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You may have noticed that some of these links were a little, uh, old. But in the grand scheme of things you’re the one who’s old, not this stuff. Just remember that, sir.

photo: The Rocketeer

By Charley Daniels

I am on the road, people. The holidays and helping try to find a missing person! AIEEEEEE! Fun. You know what I mean?

So December updates have been (and will continue to be) light and tidy in size, though their entertainment value will be no less robust than usual. I swear it.

That said, check out some of the search strings that people used to stumble upon Weblog Sin Pies this year. Click here for vol. 1.

Some cynics have suggested that I am merely reposting active keywords to draw more search engine traffic. First of all, eff all y’all cynics. Yeah. Second, none of these is a high-traffic referral. In fact, I don’t think more than one person was referred for any given search string that I’m posting. Many are likely from the same sick individual, in fact. So while you enjoy these actual search strings you can do so knowing that it is not some shameless way to draw traffic to the site. If I wanted to do that, I would talk about things that are in top five referrals, such as balderdash words, that Screech sex video, or maybe even feedees. Aren’t keyword referrals interesting? The answer: Yes.

>i have never lost in thumb wrestling

Neither have I. I don’t think you want any of this.

>shaving your privates with fusion

I really don’t recommend this. I don’t even recommend it for your face.

>dentist “ask for a refund”

If you’re in doubt about whether you should, the answer is almost certainly yes.

>psychological insecurity

Some referrals are completely unwarranted, but if you’re curious about this particular topic, you’re probably in the right place.

>funny captions for secret angel

And here’s one where the searcher was directed to the wrong place.

>the mating habits of a yeti

Hey, yeah! Now I’m curious. Thanks, weirdo Google user!

If you think that’s all of the awesome keywords that directed readers to Weblog Sin Pies in 2006, you’re probably one of those people who believes that the “oh face” guy is the funniest thing about the movie Office Space. In other words, you’re so wrong. Stay tuned!

By Charley Daniels

What a busy month it’s going to be! I don’t know where I’ll find the time, frankly, what with holiday parties, deciding what the future holds (New Year’s resolution side bets, anyone?), and heading north for the winter. I’ll be in Oregon Dec. 21-26, so don’t come steal my things. Ah hell, I better just bring everything with me.

Hey, I meant to post something about this sooner, but I forgot, I think. Or maybe I just wanted to wait for the right moment. Now I can’t remember why I didn’t post, so chances are good that it’s because I forgot. What the hell am I saying? The folks who brought us Mystery Science Theater 3000 have a website where you can download hilarious audio tracks to play along with movies. It’s the same movie-mocking awesomeness (ostensibly) with a whole new library of films. Did you ever wish that MST3K could rip on newer movies? I know I did. Wish granted! Check out Rifftrax if you’re about to watch Fellowship of the Ring alone on a Friday night for the third weekend in a row. You know, change it up. Oh yeah, it’s not just bad movies that they’re mocking now. Awesome!

You know what’s not awesome? Some genius invented casino-based online poker. Huh? Head down to the casino and play online against a bunch of people sitting across the table from you. Come on! If I go to a casino for poker, I want to feel chips and cards in my hand. And how the hell am I going to tip the cocktail waitress without some chips? Transfer funds to her bank account? I don’t like it.

Returning to things that are awesome: I went and saw Pleaseeasaur again. The last was in September. Does that make me a groupie, or something?

And, to sum up, some things that are maybe awesome, maybe not. Depends. With 2006 drawing to a close, I thought it might be a good time to begin looking back at some of the random keywords that brought people to Weblog Sin Pies this year. It’s Keyword Roundup: The Year in Review, Part 1.

mentally+retarded+man+cups+man-boobs

I think I posted this one before, but I can’t just suddenly stop appreciating it. Notice the search string — yes, that’s a minus sign at the end. Searcher wanted to exclude the term “boobs,” which makes sense since it would have cleary messed with his results.

students+taking+comedy+seriously+university+pie+in+the+face

Boy, people really are looking for very specific things on the Internet. Just for fun I put this one into Google to see if anything stood out. You know, maybe to shed some light on whatever this person was trying to find. I got nothing. It’s probably some YouTube thing, right?

snakes+at+altitude

No doubt someone was directed to WSP during a drunken argument over whether that over-hyped dud of a film Snakes on a Plane could have actually happened. Is it based in reality? Is it not? This is exactly what we’re here for. Maybe not this specifically, because hell if I know, but I’m sure content on this site has solved at least as many drunken arguments as it has started.

charley+daniels+republican

This could be the search string of a curious country western fan (who doesn’t know how Charlie Daniels spells his name), or my grandfather trying to decide whether to include me in his will.

humans humping gorillas

Why search? Everyone knows the definitive source is HumansHumpingGorillas.com.

That’s all for tonight, but I promise there will be more where this came from as Weblog Sin Pies looks at its top keyword referrals for 2006!

photo: jameschipmunk

By Charley Daniels

My life would not make a good movie. The opening scene wouldn’t suck you in — there’s no hook — and the protagonist isn’t likable. If you paid money to watch a film about my life you would probably walk out before it was over. You might ask for a refund, too, even if you’re not normally the type to do so. I, for one, am well into this thing and I’d like my money back. Why? It isn’t what I expected. It’s not very funny. It’s kind of sad but not enough to be interesting. It’s vulgar, ugly, boring. I keep falling asleep! I’m offended. It made me cry. It’s too long. Or maybe too short. It’s duration is just … off.

Is it always going to be News and Aaahs? No. But probably mostly, at least for a while. What would you like to read here? Film and theatre reviews? Live-blogging from crazy events? Cowboy poetry? Let me know, will you? Let’s make it happen.

Speaking of movies, Tenacious D bombed at the box office, but what did you expect? You didn’t bother to go down and watch it.

Everyone can finally relax. Seriously, calm down, because bad posture is now good for you!

Stephen Colbert got himself a Wii over the retail weekend. Did you?

Freedom is marching across the globe, and it’s due at your place in less than an hour. So you had better wash that filthy neck, son, because this is News and Aaahs for Nov. 29!

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L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa’s veto of the settlement awarded to a firefighter who was allegedly the victim of racism was upheld by the city council today.

The firefighter’s fairer-skinned housemates added dog food to his spaghetti dinner as a hazing joke, they said. The victim of the prank alleges that the incident was racially motivated, and the city council agreed, awarding him $2.7 million.

The mayor vetoed the settlement when pictures surfaced of the dog-food eater participating in a hazing ritual in which he shaved another firefighter’s unmentionables. It is unclear whether the proper moisturizer was later applied to prevent irritation.

Now that the city council voted to uphold the veto, it will either offer another, lower settlement (under the contention, I guess, that the dog-food prank was racially motivated, but that a crotch shaver doesn’t deserve so much money) or the case will go to trial.

Pranksters everywhere fear that a settlement in favor of the victim could have a chilling effect across the board on jests, foolin’, shenanigans, goofs, and even certain antics.

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Me, writing in my notebook on the first day of some College class:

This teacher’s syllabus is so confusing I cannot even formulate a question to try to clear things up.

I don’t know which class it was, but I bet you had to take it at some point too.

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This week the Pope is in Turkey, a Muslim country where his popularity is not polling very high for a variety of reasons, not the least of which were his comments earlier this year that Islam is a religion “spread by the sword.” But one Turkish citizen has decided to seek out the main man for a good old fashioned chit chat.

That citizen is Mehmet Ali Agca, who served 19 years in prison for the attempted assassination of Pope John Paul II in 1981.

‘I (Mehmet Ali Agca) asked the Turkish government to release me for one day so that I can discuss theological issues with (Pope) Ratzinger,’ Agca said in comments passed on by his lawyer Mustafa Demirbag at a news conference.

‘I want to discuss with him religious and mystic issues,’ Demirbag quoted Agca as saying.

Why does Agca need his lawyer to speak for him? Well, he’s in prison, naturally. But wait, he tried to kill the last Pope in 1981, served 19 years … carry the one … shouldn’t he be out by now? Not this guy. He’s currently serving a sentence for a murder that he actually succeeded in committing. The victim was a newspaper editor, with whom Agca said he “just wanted to discuss current events.”

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Lore on bad Superhero names:

It bothers me that Jean Grey doesn’t get a superhero name. And her real name isn’t really that interesting. It’s as if the Avengers included Captain America, Iron Man, Thor and Dave Henderson.

Read the rest here.

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More fallout from the Michael Richards racist rant:

‘We’re not trying to penalize anyone,’ [State Rep. Maxine] Waters said at a news conference at the Los Angeles Sentinel newspaper, ‘but don’t use the N-word, no matter who you are, whether you’re black, white, young or old.’

That’s right, activists and civil leaders are advocating we boycott the N-word. Hey, sure, I’m in. Hell, while I’m at it I guess I’ll also boycott murder, stealing from the Starbucks tip jar, and hiding miniature cameras in the girls’ locker room.

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So is it a civil war, or isn’t it? Hang on, hang on, I’m thinking.

I have it!

Does it really matter what we call it? It’s a diddly dang dong dee doodly diddle. See, much better.

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The intro part of News and Aaahs is like a warm-up act. All the great performers have them. So do the mediocre performers. And some of us have to warm-up the crowd all on our own. This is the closing. It’s supposed to be better than the opening, and I think it is. Because it signals the end.

photo:laffy4k

By Trevor Ryan

I’ve been thinking about getting another degree recently. Mostly, I think, this is in reaction to the low, low prices offered on Internet college degrees, but it’s also because I saw it on TV. These are my two most trusty companions for reasoning.

But let me explain. Actually, the low price thing explains itself. Who wants to pay top dollar for a degree, when he can get one for $30? I mean, that’s less than most items at the average college bookstore. Why get a sweatshirt for $40 that says “Harvard” when you can fork over $30, and get a full four years worth of education?

But besides that, I can’t help but be reminded of the Scarecrow, from “The Wizard of Oz,” who upon receiving a piece of paper suddenly had memorized the Pythagorean theorem (among, we are to assume, other fun and useful information). Based on this, it seems reasonable to me that the Internet (which is far more advanced today than it was in 1939, when “The Wizard of Oz” came out) should provide a piece of paper that is a good deal more intelligent.

Now I have to wonder how much time and money I squandered back in college. Why, I could be a veritable encyclopedia by now. The other thing I wonder about these bargain-basement priced degrees is if they contain a full four years worth of partying in them. It’s sort of like the worm in a tequila bottle, I guess, and the myth about how it contains mescaline, or a bunch of alcohol. “Dude, did you ever try smoking your degree? I heard it gets you totally wasted.” “Yeah, man, but I heard there’s some bad, like all-night study session shit going around …”

Anyway, stay in school, kids. Otherwise, you have to pay back your student loans.

Related Link: Online Degree Online Degree Programs and Online College Degrees - eLearners.com