Weblog Sin Pies

By Mike Bijon

A Texas woman and her neighbors believe they may have found the bodies of three chupacabras near their ranches in the town of Cuero. Their discovery is getting large amounts of national news coverage this weekend because A) nothing new happened in Iraq, Iran, or with any US economic report that the American public wouldn’t be bored to tears by, and B) the woman, Phylis, can’t be easily dismissed as a normal crazy American because she hacked the head off one of the alleged chupacabra bodies and stashed it in her freezer to proove what she found.

The real story, however, is that global warming has pushed a creature normally sighted in South America so far north (according to Wikipedia the chupacabra is normally sighted in Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Argentina, Bolivia, Chile, Colombia, Honduras, El Salvador, Panama, Peru, Brazil, and Mexico). At long last environmentalists and Texas ranchers have a common enemy to rally around. Once it’s gene-tested and identified it still won’t matter what the Creature of Cuero turns out to be descended from.

Chupacabra or not, it’s eating ranchers’ animals and is real enough that they’ll be looking to hunt them down and kill them all. Environmentalists already up in arms about the population of feral cats killing small, endangered animals throughout Texas will also be looking for the chupacabra’s head. As history (and the US occupation of Iraq) has shown, there’s nothing that will settle disagreements like the blood thirst for a common enemy.

By Charley Daniels

A great lede from the “fair and balanced” network:

Fox News: Al Gore Obtains Advance Copy of ‘Sopranos’ Finale

Former Vice President Al Gore hasn’t stopped believing he can get special favors for being a political figure. The New York Times reports he got an advance copy of ‘The Sopranos’ finale from Brad Grey, the chairman of Paramount and executive producer of the show.

It’s so like those Democrats to use their political clout to get early peeks at TV shows that us red-blooded, rock-ribbed Republicans wait for like the rest of the people.

By Charley Daniels

Liberal blogs, pundits, and talking heads, in cooperation with the recently formed Society for Preservation of Beach Boys Song Lyrics, are foaming at the mouth over Republican Senator John McCain’s parody of the Beach Boys song “Barbara Ann” (video after the jump), in which he turned the words of the song into “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.” The impromptu performance came during a speaking engagement where McCain was asked by an audience member whether the U.S. should send Iran a message via air mail. Get it? “Air” mail? Obviously a lighthearted (if a little tasteless and, you know, idiotic) moment. So McCain responded in a similarly lighthearted (and, yes, a little tasteless and idiotic) way.

After the uproarious laughter subsided, McCain apparently launched into a serious answer about the complex political situation between Iran and the U.S. and a bunch of other politics-speak. So what’s the big deal?

Look, I’m no McCain enthusiast. I don’t agree with his ideology, his politics, or his choice of tie. If he wants to play no-rules street ball, I’ll put on my spiky fingerless gloves and take him on any day. But if politicians aren’t allowed to have a sense of humor in a situation that’s informal and lighthearted, maybe we should just skip to the part where robots take over, since we’re already at least a third of the way there.

The bottom line is, I’ve been listening to a lot of the Republican candidates (and potential candidates) for presidency, and I have to say, McCain’s joke isn’t even in the top 10 most idiotic things I’ve heard from that group. And most of the time they’re being serious. Don’t even get me started on the current Commander-in-Chief.

(Continued)

By Charley Daniels

Whether you’re for or against the Iraq War, liberal or conservative, you really need to read this transcript of an awesome interview with General William Odom, who advocates an immediate withdrawal of U.S. military from Iraq. It’s a great read.

[via Paul Phillips]

By Charley Daniels

Reuters: Iguana’s stubborn erection to get the chop

Someone’s pet iguana is going to have his boner cut off because it hasn’t gone flaccid for over a week, reports Reuters. [Obligatory Viagra joke omitted] Maybe now Mozart, the iguana, will be able to focus on more important things, such as school. And his future.

The good news for Mozart and his mates is that male iguanas have two penises.

Mozart, sitting on the shoulders of his keeper as camera crews focused on his red, swollen erection, seemed unperturbed by the news.

The writer of this story, fresh off his or her stint ghostwriting a romance novel, should probably have pointed out that Mozart doesn’t understand what’s happening. I say that because he’s not capable of understanding. He’s an iguana. Plus, two penises or not, no organism is going to stand idly by and allow one of them to be whacked off. I meant … you know what I meant.

On a side note, those camera crews sound pretty capable.