Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

I played in the World Poker Tour Celebrity Invitational Saturday and wrote about it for Hollywood Reporter’s Past Deadline blog here.

That little post doesn’t go into much detail about my personal experience at the tournament. I was planning to do more of writeup for this site at some point in the not-too-distant future. “Planning.”

Here’s the short version:

I hung out at the same party, pulling hors devours from the same trays, as some celebrities like Don Cheadle, Jennifer Tilly, James Woods, the guy who played “Donkey Lips” in Nickelodeon’s Salute Your Shorts, Corey Feldman, Montel Williams. The list goes on. More importantly, I was drinking beer delivered by the same cocktail servers as those drunk by poker players like Erick Lindgren, Gavin Smith, Amnon Filippi, Antonio Esfandiari, Daniel Alaei. The list goes on. Yes, me. Charley Daniels from Grants Pass, Orygun. Rubbing elbows, etc. I made eye contact with Norm Macdonald.

It was a cool night. My table was a little boring on the celebrity front. Best we could do was former Miss USA Shandi something-or-other (apparently she’s best known for her stint on Dancing With the Stars) and Andrew Firestone, who sat right next to me and said he was there because he was on “some reality show.” The topic came up because I asked him if he hangs at the Peet’s on Larchmont. He doesn’t. I see a lookalike there sometimes. Very nice guy. Firestone, not the guy who looks like him. Well, maybe that guy’s nice. I don’t know him like I now know Andy F. And I don’t judge him even though he was not only on The Bachelor, he was The Bachelor — or one of them at least. As Isabelle puts it, he was the only normal bachelor. That makes sense. In an Isabelle sort of way.

Bit of poker talk below the fold (this is my new way of saying “after the jump.” It’s newspaper jargon, even though “news” isn’t even on the list of things this site knows the definition of).

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By Charley Daniels

What a busy month it’s going to be! I don’t know where I’ll find the time, frankly, what with holiday parties, deciding what the future holds (New Year’s resolution side bets, anyone?), and heading north for the winter. I’ll be in Oregon Dec. 21-26, so don’t come steal my things. Ah hell, I better just bring everything with me.

Hey, I meant to post something about this sooner, but I forgot, I think. Or maybe I just wanted to wait for the right moment. Now I can’t remember why I didn’t post, so chances are good that it’s because I forgot. What the hell am I saying? The folks who brought us Mystery Science Theater 3000 have a website where you can download hilarious audio tracks to play along with movies. It’s the same movie-mocking awesomeness (ostensibly) with a whole new library of films. Did you ever wish that MST3K could rip on newer movies? I know I did. Wish granted! Check out Rifftrax if you’re about to watch Fellowship of the Ring alone on a Friday night for the third weekend in a row. You know, change it up. Oh yeah, it’s not just bad movies that they’re mocking now. Awesome!

You know what’s not awesome? Some genius invented casino-based online poker. Huh? Head down to the casino and play online against a bunch of people sitting across the table from you. Come on! If I go to a casino for poker, I want to feel chips and cards in my hand. And how the hell am I going to tip the cocktail waitress without some chips? Transfer funds to her bank account? I don’t like it.

Returning to things that are awesome: I went and saw Pleaseeasaur again. The last was in September. Does that make me a groupie, or something?

And, to sum up, some things that are maybe awesome, maybe not. Depends. With 2006 drawing to a close, I thought it might be a good time to begin looking back at some of the random keywords that brought people to Weblog Sin Pies this year. It’s Keyword Roundup: The Year in Review, Part 1.

I think I posted this one before, but I can’t just suddenly stop appreciating it. Notice the search string — yes, that’s a minus sign at the end. Searcher wanted to exclude the term “boobs,” which makes sense since it would have cleary messed with his results.

Boy, people really are looking for very specific things on the Internet. Just for fun I put this one into Google to see if anything stood out. You know, maybe to shed some light on whatever this person was trying to find. I got nothing. It’s probably some YouTube thing, right?

No doubt someone was directed to WSP during a drunken argument over whether that over-hyped dud of a film Snakes on a Plane could have actually happened. Is it based in reality? Is it not? This is exactly what we’re here for. Maybe not this specifically, because hell if I know, but I’m sure content on this site has solved at least as many drunken arguments as it has started.

This could be the search string of a curious country western fan (who doesn’t know how Charlie Daniels spells his name), or my grandfather trying to decide whether to include me in his will.

Why search? Everyone knows the definitive source is HumansHumpingGorillas.com.

That’s all for tonight, but I promise there will be more where this came from as Weblog Sin Pies looks at its top keyword referrals for 2006!

By Charley Daniels

Idea: new reality competition television program! It’s a race, like NASCAR, with cars and a track. But wait; there’s more! Each car is operated by a team of four people, instead of the usual (and, let’s admit it, BOR-ing) one person. Each of the four team members will have a vital role to play in ensuring a smooth race. One will operate the pedals, and another will operate the steering wheel. At this point it seems there’s nothing left for the other two to do. That’s because I haven’t finished explaining things yet. The people operating the vehicle will be blindfolded and will each have a partner. The partners will be able to see, obviously, and will be giving directions to their blindfolded teammates. Imagine all the yelling! The object of the show is to prove that your “friends” are usually your worst enemies and your biggest hindrance.

Hey, speaking of hindrances, did it rain in LA today for, like, five minutes, or what? What’s the deal with that?

If you don’t read Dinosaur Comics you’re pretty much dead to me. The same is true of The Perry Bible Fellowship.

Katie Couric is rocking it gravitas-style over at the “CBS Evening News.” Who’d a thunk it? CBS. Duh.

Don’t touch that dial, though. Cuz this is News and Aaahs for Oct. 1!

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Did you hear about that coup in Thailand? Everyone’s talking about it. But none is more excited than the “smile, it’s contagious” crowd. Turns out this government overthrow was of the friendly variety:

Thailand’s new junta is trying to soften its image, using a former beauty queen to make announcements, assigning female troops to help keep the peace in Bangkok and telling its soldiers to smile.

I told you military incursions don’t have to be all testosterone and frowns.

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A gym membership is like a rent-a-laziness detector.

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I’d like to present WSP’s first-ever Sneaky Motherfucker Award. The lucky winner is Sen. Bill Frist, R-Tenn., for his essentially successful effort to make online gambling illegal.

AMERICA’s $6 billion (£3.2 billion) internet gambling industry is facing meltdown after the US Senate pushed through a Bill at the weekend outlawing the processing of bets by banks and credit companies.

…

Bill Frist, the Republican leader in the Senate, got the measure through by attaching it to an unrelated Bill that enhances port security.

Thank you for saving me from myself, fearless leaders! The rest of congress will receive the WSP Agree to Anything as Long as It Means We’re Done for the Night Award.

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Speaking of being done for the night, do you ever get really tired, and coffee just won’t do it? Red Bull is for pansies and college kids, right? If you’re nodding vigorously right now, you need to have some cocaine!

It’s a drink that contains nearly three times the caffeine as a cup of coffee, is supposed to have a ‘throat-numbing’ ingredient and is billed by its maker as a ‘legal alternative’ to the unlawful drug that carries the same name.

Sounds delicious!

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Take a step toward fulfilling your dreams this week, but whatever that involves, don’t invite this guy to your party unuless it’s BYOB. You get me?

By Charley Daniels

Hundreds of millions of people all over the world tuned in to Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s televised memorial service this week. Another 5,000 were there in person. I caught about four minutes of it Tuesday night while I was waiting for something more interesting to start on a different station. In the little bit that I watched, I noticed something slightly disturbing: As the camera panned across the audience, people were waving at it like a bunch of yahoos at a Britney Spears concert. You’re at a funeral, people!

I hope there are thousands of people and a camera crew at my funeral. If I ever die, that is.

Poker: I’m a frequent reader and huge fan of the 2+2 Forums because my poker skills have at least doubled since I’ve been a regular there. That’s right, I now have double the skills. I don’t post a lot because I’m afraid I’ll be ridiculed for my simple-mindedness. Ridiculed by people whom I greatly respect as poker players. Turns out it’s true. OK, so I wasn’t exactly ridiculed. But no one thought the hand I posted was interesting, WHICH IT CLEARLY WAS. What do those “experts” know, anyway.

Poker, again: Speaking of poker, congress is once again trying its damnedest to ruin my fun. At least this time they’re not coming after me personally. It’s kind of scary, even for people who don’t care about Internet gambling. What’s next? Mandatory lobotomies? Think about it. Read more at the Poker Players Alliance.

WWW: Have you heard about this thing where you type “YOUR FIRST NAME needs” into Google and read the random results you get? So mine would be, “Charley needs to be watched constantly and he will be on medication for the rest of his life.” It’s SO true! I found out about this little game through a MySpace bulletin and laughed pretty hard at some people’s results. Dear Shoes on Powerlines, that’s something I’m ashamed of. But not nearly as ashamed as I would be if my name were Becky.

What do you need? Probably a serious kick in the pants, because this is News and Aaahs for Sept. 21!

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Unfortunately, it’s not about dino poo, but this article, Tyrannosaurus Sex, is all about another private dinosaur activity. The title alone is so good, I don’t want to bore you with the speculation that comprises most of the article. No one really knows how dinosaurs got busy, you see, but at least the fine folks over at Cosmos Magazine are asking the tough questions:

How did spiny stegosaurs mate without stabbing each other to death? And where did Tyranosaurus rex stow his crown jewels - or did he let it all hang out?

But it really is a fine piece of reporting, if only for this gem of a quote near the end:

‘Their mating had to be done with great delicacy and great precision. It must have been utterly charming to watch, quite unlike our own species.’

Those are the immortal words of L. Beverly Halstead, a british paleontologist whose drawings of “dinosaurs mating in different positions” inspired the author of the article.

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When you read News and Aaahs, do you picture me shouting it? Because that’s the way it happens in my head.

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A Florida man jumped off a 50-foot bridge into the Manatee River when the wind blew a $20 bill out of his hand as he walked across. Some stories need no smart-ass remark, so I’ll just let the man speak for himself:

‘I got my money back, hell yeah,’ [Mark] Giorgio told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune. ‘Twenty bucks is a lot of money when you’re broke.’

Hell yeah it is.

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Talk about charismatic leaders. Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez, speaking to the whole wide world during the U.N. General Assembly this week, called U.S. President George W. Bush “the devil.”

‘The devil came here yesterday,’ Chavez said. ‘He came here talking as if he were the owner of the world.’

Critics point out that Chavez is angling for Venezuela to gain a seat on the U.N. Security Council, which is sort of like the popular kids’ table in the cafeteria. Cynics point out that Chavez is just plain wrong — that, in fact, Bush speaks as if he were the owner of the whole damn universe.

I decided not to write too much about poker here because I have received a lot of feedback about how nobody cares. But sometimes you have to share those bad beats, even though bad beats in particular are completely boring. But this one was interesting because of the suck, re-suck, re-re-suckiness. Click below for the whole post.

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