Weblog Sin Pies

By Charley Daniels

Reuters: Iguana’s stubborn erection to get the chop

Someone’s pet iguana is going to have his boner cut off because it hasn’t gone flaccid for over a week, reports Reuters. [Obligatory Viagra joke omitted] Maybe now Mozart, the iguana, will be able to focus on more important things, such as school. And his future.

The good news for Mozart and his mates is that male iguanas have two penises.

Mozart, sitting on the shoulders of his keeper as camera crews focused on his red, swollen erection, seemed unperturbed by the news.

The writer of this story, fresh off his or her stint ghostwriting a romance novel, should probably have pointed out that Mozart doesn’t understand what’s happening. I say that because he’s not capable of understanding. He’s an iguana. Plus, two penises or not, no organism is going to stand idly by and allow one of them to be whacked off. I meant … you know what I meant.

On a side note, those camera crews sound pretty capable.

By Charley Daniels

Man, my last post should have been called “the GIF that keeps on giving.” I hate when I realize the way I should have done something. It hurts my head. Guess that’s what I get for thinking about old crap.

It feels cheap that I keep posting these and not actually, you know, creating anything myself, but there are undoubtedly several among you that find this arrangement is better. I’m broadening my reader base.

This is the last video in my “to watch” folder of my RSS reader, and I had no intention of reposting. But then I watched it. It’s really funny.

“A Special Christmas Box”:

(via Lost Remote)

By Charley Daniels

My life would not make a good movie. The opening scene wouldn’t suck you in — there’s no hook — and the protagonist isn’t likable. If you paid money to watch a film about my life you would probably walk out before it was over. You might ask for a refund, too, even if you’re not normally the type to do so. I, for one, am well into this thing and I’d like my money back. Why? It isn’t what I expected. It’s not very funny. It’s kind of sad but not enough to be interesting. It’s vulgar, ugly, boring. I keep falling asleep! I’m offended. It made me cry. It’s too long. Or maybe too short. It’s duration is just … off.

Is it always going to be News and Aaahs? No. But probably mostly, at least for a while. What would you like to read here? Film and theatre reviews? Live-blogging from crazy events? Cowboy poetry? Let me know, will you? Let’s make it happen.

Speaking of movies, Tenacious D bombed at the box office, but what did you expect? You didn’t bother to go down and watch it.

Everyone can finally relax. Seriously, calm down, because bad posture is now good for you!

Stephen Colbert got himself a Wii over the retail weekend. Did you?

Freedom is marching across the globe, and it’s due at your place in less than an hour. So you had better wash that filthy neck, son, because this is News and Aaahs for Nov. 29!

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L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa’s veto of the settlement awarded to a firefighter who was allegedly the victim of racism was upheld by the city council today.

The firefighter’s fairer-skinned housemates added dog food to his spaghetti dinner as a hazing joke, they said. The victim of the prank alleges that the incident was racially motivated, and the city council agreed, awarding him $2.7 million.

The mayor vetoed the settlement when pictures surfaced of the dog-food eater participating in a hazing ritual in which he shaved another firefighter’s unmentionables. It is unclear whether the proper moisturizer was later applied to prevent irritation.

Now that the city council voted to uphold the veto, it will either offer another, lower settlement (under the contention, I guess, that the dog-food prank was racially motivated, but that a crotch shaver doesn’t deserve so much money) or the case will go to trial.

Pranksters everywhere fear that a settlement in favor of the victim could have a chilling effect across the board on jests, foolin’, shenanigans, goofs, and even certain antics.

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Me, writing in my notebook on the first day of some College class:

This teacher’s syllabus is so confusing I cannot even formulate a question to try to clear things up.

I don’t know which class it was, but I bet you had to take it at some point too.

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This week the Pope is in Turkey, a Muslim country where his popularity is not polling very high for a variety of reasons, not the least of which were his comments earlier this year that Islam is a religion “spread by the sword.” But one Turkish citizen has decided to seek out the main man for a good old fashioned chit chat.

That citizen is Mehmet Ali Agca, who served 19 years in prison for the attempted assassination of Pope John Paul II in 1981.

‘I (Mehmet Ali Agca) asked the Turkish government to release me for one day so that I can discuss theological issues with (Pope) Ratzinger,’ Agca said in comments passed on by his lawyer Mustafa Demirbag at a news conference.

‘I want to discuss with him religious and mystic issues,’ Demirbag quoted Agca as saying.

Why does Agca need his lawyer to speak for him? Well, he’s in prison, naturally. But wait, he tried to kill the last Pope in 1981, served 19 years … carry the one … shouldn’t he be out by now? Not this guy. He’s currently serving a sentence for a murder that he actually succeeded in committing. The victim was a newspaper editor, with whom Agca said he “just wanted to discuss current events.”

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Lore on bad Superhero names:

It bothers me that Jean Grey doesn’t get a superhero name. And her real name isn’t really that interesting. It’s as if the Avengers included Captain America, Iron Man, Thor and Dave Henderson.

Read the rest here.

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More fallout from the Michael Richards racist rant:

‘We’re not trying to penalize anyone,’ [State Rep. Maxine] Waters said at a news conference at the Los Angeles Sentinel newspaper, ‘but don’t use the N-word, no matter who you are, whether you’re black, white, young or old.’

That’s right, activists and civil leaders are advocating we boycott the N-word. Hey, sure, I’m in. Hell, while I’m at it I guess I’ll also boycott murder, stealing from the Starbucks tip jar, and hiding miniature cameras in the girls’ locker room.

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So is it a civil war, or isn’t it? Hang on, hang on, I’m thinking.

I have it!

Does it really matter what we call it? It’s a diddly dang dong dee doodly diddle. See, much better.

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The intro part of News and Aaahs is like a warm-up act. All the great performers have them. So do the mediocre performers. And some of us have to warm-up the crowd all on our own. This is the closing. It’s supposed to be better than the opening, and I think it is. Because it signals the end.

photo:laffy4k

By Charley Daniels

It was a slow weekend for news. It was also a slow weekend for brain activity here at Weblog Sin Pies. Probaby the tryptophan. Or the cranial hematoma.

Cool weather creeped in over the last few days, prompting many a “brrrrrrr” and even some premature flip-flop storage. What a pain! That’s right, it dipped into the low 60s and even high 50s in L.A., and you know what that means: It’s time to start thinking about tax season.

Ha ha! Just kidding. It’s time to start thinking about winter sports season, which is already started, is coming right up, has just ended, or is about halfway over, depending on your location in the world. Don’t break a leg this year! Again!

Hey, have you checked out the sponsor links at the top of the page? If you like comics, you may want to give them a try. Many of the advertisers on Project Wonderful are online comics. They’re not all great, but there’s something for everyone, no doubt. I don’t make any money when you click through, by the way, so this isn’t just a shameless way to score some cash.

Speaking of pointless endeavors, vote Libertarian in 2008 because this is News and Aaahs for Nov. 26!

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Illustrating exactly how slow the weekend was in terms of current events, Kramer’s racist rampage managed to stay near the top of the headlines. Michael Richards went on Jesse Jackson’s radio show to try to explain himself. He feels real bad; he doesn’t know what came over him, etc. Meanwhile, the targets of the tirade want a personal apology. Some sort of monetary compensation might even be necessary to heal the wounds completely.

‘It is not enough to go on television and say “I’m sorry,”’ Allred said. ‘We are issuing a challenge to Michael Richards.’

I’m sure that the complainants are going to ask Richards to donate money to the NAACP or a similar organization. I mean, right?

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A poem by me, circa 2000:

You twirl round through each little space,
holding steadier than leather, satin, or lace.

Yet you bend to fit each subtle contour.
It’s awesome to know you’re whom I was meant for.

The only thing is, you’ll rust in the weather
because you’re the spiral that holds my notebook together.

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Just because I spent the weekend without a care in the world doesn’t mean I wasn’t discovering interesting new tidbits, such as the existence of Screeched, the Dustin Diamond sex video.

It was an interesting tidbit, though not really surprising at all. Were you surprised? Diamond was Screech on Saved by the Bell, in case you don’t know. And his latest endeavor isn’t so great, according to the review. How about now — surprised yet? I know you’re still curious, so follow that link with caution if you’re at work, though those looking to catch a glimpse of the little man’s little man will be mercifully disappointed.

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Kathryn Johnston was killed in a shootout with police when narcotics officers attempted to serve a warranted and she opend fire, injuring three of the them. By the way, she was 92.

Authorities said the agents got a search warrant for her home after buying drugs from a man there that afternoon. Police said the plainclothes agents identified themselves, but when they knocked down Johnston’s door, she opened fire and injured three of the officers.

…

Johnston’s neighbors and relatives have called the raid a case of mistaken identity. Her niece said there were no drugs in the home.

Now, I’m not a police sympathizer by any means, but come on. Drugs or not, she did shoot three people. I don’t think anyone deserves to be killed, but have you ever tried arguing with a really old lady?

Or when someone is shooting at you do you attempt to figure out how old he or she is before you defend yourself in some way? I certainly do, for I am the armchair enforcer!

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Have a swift five-day week, if you can, and be sure to pick up that expensive X-mas present that someone you know is just dying for. After all, if you can’t express your holiday spirit through commerce, well, how the hell else can you express it?

By Charley Daniels

Hundreds of millions of people all over the world tuned in to Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s televised memorial service this week. Another 5,000 were there in person. I caught about four minutes of it Tuesday night while I was waiting for something more interesting to start on a different station. In the little bit that I watched, I noticed something slightly disturbing: As the camera panned across the audience, people were waving at it like a bunch of yahoos at a Britney Spears concert. You’re at a funeral, people!

I hope there are thousands of people and a camera crew at my funeral. If I ever die, that is.

Poker: I’m a frequent reader and huge fan of the 2+2 Forums because my poker skills have at least doubled since I’ve been a regular there. That’s right, I now have double the skills. I don’t post a lot because I’m afraid I’ll be ridiculed for my simple-mindedness. Ridiculed by people whom I greatly respect as poker players. Turns out it’s true. OK, so I wasn’t exactly ridiculed. But no one thought the hand I posted was interesting, WHICH IT CLEARLY WAS. What do those “experts” know, anyway.

Poker, again: Speaking of poker, congress is once again trying its damnedest to ruin my fun. At least this time they’re not coming after me personally. It’s kind of scary, even for people who don’t care about Internet gambling. What’s next? Mandatory lobotomies? Think about it. Read more at the Poker Players Alliance.

WWW: Have you heard about this thing where you type “YOUR FIRST NAME needs” into Google and read the random results you get? So mine would be, “Charley needs to be watched constantly and he will be on medication for the rest of his life.” It’s SO true! I found out about this little game through a MySpace bulletin and laughed pretty hard at some people’s results. Dear Shoes on Powerlines, that’s something I’m ashamed of. But not nearly as ashamed as I would be if my name were Becky.

What do you need? Probably a serious kick in the pants, because this is News and Aaahs for Sept. 21!

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Unfortunately, it’s not about dino poo, but this article, Tyrannosaurus Sex, is all about another private dinosaur activity. The title alone is so good, I don’t want to bore you with the speculation that comprises most of the article. No one really knows how dinosaurs got busy, you see, but at least the fine folks over at Cosmos Magazine are asking the tough questions:

How did spiny stegosaurs mate without stabbing each other to death? And where did Tyranosaurus rex stow his crown jewels - or did he let it all hang out?

But it really is a fine piece of reporting, if only for this gem of a quote near the end:

‘Their mating had to be done with great delicacy and great precision. It must have been utterly charming to watch, quite unlike our own species.’

Those are the immortal words of L. Beverly Halstead, a british paleontologist whose drawings of “dinosaurs mating in different positions” inspired the author of the article.

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When you read News and Aaahs, do you picture me shouting it? Because that’s the way it happens in my head.

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A Florida man jumped off a 50-foot bridge into the Manatee River when the wind blew a $20 bill out of his hand as he walked across. Some stories need no smart-ass remark, so I’ll just let the man speak for himself:

‘I got my money back, hell yeah,’ [Mark] Giorgio told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune. ‘Twenty bucks is a lot of money when you’re broke.’

Hell yeah it is.

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Talk about charismatic leaders. Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez, speaking to the whole wide world during the U.N. General Assembly this week, called U.S. President George W. Bush “the devil.”

‘The devil came here yesterday,’ Chavez said. ‘He came here talking as if he were the owner of the world.’

Critics point out that Chavez is angling for Venezuela to gain a seat on the U.N. Security Council, which is sort of like the popular kids’ table in the cafeteria. Cynics point out that Chavez is just plain wrong — that, in fact, Bush speaks as if he were the owner of the whole damn universe.