how to break up
Sunday, November 4, 2007
If my girlfriend were to break up with me, it certainly wouldn’t be because she came home early and caught me watching The Blue Collar Comedy Tour. If she dumped me right now it also wouldn’t be because I spend too much of my time volunteering for charities. I’m safe on these fronts.
Don’t get me wrong: There are myriad reasons for her to break up with me. Myriad! If she broke up with me and said it was because I make fun of the way she drives (like the oldest lady) or that I never find kids or dogs to be all that cute, then I’d have to say, “Yeah, you have a point there.” But I would say it all sarcastically and roll my eyes, and she would say, “That’s the other thing: Why are you so sarcastic all the time?” Again, well observed.
She’d be totally justified in breaking up with me because one time we were eating Thai food, and after finishing half her dish she remarked, “The rest of this will be good for lunch,” but later that evening when she wasn’t looking I ate the leftovers. Maybe not totally justified. I mean, that’d be a little shallow of her. It’s just food. But it did actually happen, and my lame excuse was that “this will be good for lunch” doesn’t technically mean for her lunch and, hey, I paid for that meal anyway. If she were to end it all because an excuse is supposed to make a situation better, then I’d have to concede.
If she left me because I’m always honest about what I think of some of her fashion choices, particularly that one pair of shorts that look like an anthropomorphous Shakespeare in the Park wardrobe relieved itself on her midsection, well, who could blame her? I don’t know a lot about clothes; who am I to judge? (Answer: Someone with functioning eyes and a somewhat sensitive gag reflex who often knows what he likes and always knows what he doesn’t like. And a jerk.)
Those are just a few reasons off the top of my head. Then there’s this blog post. If this isn’t a good enough reason, what the hell is?
image: { Adoodi ;~
