Weblog Sin Pies

By Mike Bijon

It looks a lot like BuzzDash Central around here. We may as well have some fun with it:

By Charley Daniels

My life would not make a good movie. The opening scene wouldn’t suck you in — there’s no hook — and the protagonist isn’t likable. If you paid money to watch a film about my life you would probably walk out before it was over. You might ask for a refund, too, even if you’re not normally the type to do so. I, for one, am well into this thing and I’d like my money back. Why? It isn’t what I expected. It’s not very funny. It’s kind of sad but not enough to be interesting. It’s vulgar, ugly, boring. I keep falling asleep! I’m offended. It made me cry. It’s too long. Or maybe too short. It’s duration is just … off.

Is it always going to be News and Aaahs? No. But probably mostly, at least for a while. What would you like to read here? Film and theatre reviews? Live-blogging from crazy events? Cowboy poetry? Let me know, will you? Let’s make it happen.

Speaking of movies, Tenacious D bombed at the box office, but what did you expect? You didn’t bother to go down and watch it.

Everyone can finally relax. Seriously, calm down, because bad posture is now good for you!

Stephen Colbert got himself a Wii over the retail weekend. Did you?

Freedom is marching across the globe, and it’s due at your place in less than an hour. So you had better wash that filthy neck, son, because this is News and Aaahs for Nov. 29!

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L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa’s veto of the settlement awarded to a firefighter who was allegedly the victim of racism was upheld by the city council today.

The firefighter’s fairer-skinned housemates added dog food to his spaghetti dinner as a hazing joke, they said. The victim of the prank alleges that the incident was racially motivated, and the city council agreed, awarding him $2.7 million.

The mayor vetoed the settlement when pictures surfaced of the dog-food eater participating in a hazing ritual in which he shaved another firefighter’s unmentionables. It is unclear whether the proper moisturizer was later applied to prevent irritation.

Now that the city council voted to uphold the veto, it will either offer another, lower settlement (under the contention, I guess, that the dog-food prank was racially motivated, but that a crotch shaver doesn’t deserve so much money) or the case will go to trial.

Pranksters everywhere fear that a settlement in favor of the victim could have a chilling effect across the board on jests, foolin’, shenanigans, goofs, and even certain antics.

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Me, writing in my notebook on the first day of some College class:

This teacher’s syllabus is so confusing I cannot even formulate a question to try to clear things up.

I don’t know which class it was, but I bet you had to take it at some point too.

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This week the Pope is in Turkey, a Muslim country where his popularity is not polling very high for a variety of reasons, not the least of which were his comments earlier this year that Islam is a religion “spread by the sword.” But one Turkish citizen has decided to seek out the main man for a good old fashioned chit chat.

That citizen is Mehmet Ali Agca, who served 19 years in prison for the attempted assassination of Pope John Paul II in 1981.

‘I (Mehmet Ali Agca) asked the Turkish government to release me for one day so that I can discuss theological issues with (Pope) Ratzinger,’ Agca said in comments passed on by his lawyer Mustafa Demirbag at a news conference.

‘I want to discuss with him religious and mystic issues,’ Demirbag quoted Agca as saying.

Why does Agca need his lawyer to speak for him? Well, he’s in prison, naturally. But wait, he tried to kill the last Pope in 1981, served 19 years … carry the one … shouldn’t he be out by now? Not this guy. He’s currently serving a sentence for a murder that he actually succeeded in committing. The victim was a newspaper editor, with whom Agca said he “just wanted to discuss current events.”

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Lore on bad Superhero names:

It bothers me that Jean Grey doesn’t get a superhero name. And her real name isn’t really that interesting. It’s as if the Avengers included Captain America, Iron Man, Thor and Dave Henderson.

Read the rest here.

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More fallout from the Michael Richards racist rant:

‘We’re not trying to penalize anyone,’ [State Rep. Maxine] Waters said at a news conference at the Los Angeles Sentinel newspaper, ‘but don’t use the N-word, no matter who you are, whether you’re black, white, young or old.’

That’s right, activists and civil leaders are advocating we boycott the N-word. Hey, sure, I’m in. Hell, while I’m at it I guess I’ll also boycott murder, stealing from the Starbucks tip jar, and hiding miniature cameras in the girls’ locker room.

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So is it a civil war, or isn’t it? Hang on, hang on, I’m thinking.

I have it!

Does it really matter what we call it? It’s a diddly dang dong dee doodly diddle. See, much better.

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The intro part of News and Aaahs is like a warm-up act. All the great performers have them. So do the mediocre performers. And some of us have to warm-up the crowd all on our own. This is the closing. It’s supposed to be better than the opening, and I think it is. Because it signals the end.

photo:laffy4k

By Charley Daniels
Aaaaand we’re back! Sorry for the meltdown, folks. What can I say? Technology is — if I can borrow the immortal words of Arge — like a golden hand grenade: beautiful but deadly. He’s usually talking about his cards during a game of rummy when he says that, but it still applies. A fistful of face cards = explosive precious metals = Weblog Sin Pies and its inner workings. Hey, I could go for a game of rummy right now. Who couldn’t?

Speaking of politics, how are U.S. relations with Turkey these days? Come tomorrow, political pundits agree, relations will be delicious. On Thanksgiving night many Americans will keel over after ingesting massive amounts of the dreaded tryptophan, an amino acid in turkey that gets the blame for causing drowsiness while six slices of pie, two pounds of potatoes, and three bottles of wine whistle nonchalantly in the corner.

I wonder if the few days immediately following Thanksgiving are the sewage industry’s busy time of the year.

My arch rival on the JV track team in 10th grade was from Turkey. His name was Baki, and he always beat me — even at my best event, the 200m. That is, until the district track meet, when I finally edged him and took home the silver medal. The guy who got gold was faster than us both. Maybe he should have been my arch rival.

Speaking of hilaresy (a word I just made up that combines my two favorite things, hilarity and heresy): “It’s fun to stay at the …”

Hey, what’s that smell? Oh, it’s News and Aaahs for Nov. 22!

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Kramer, say it ain’t so.

Upon some reportedly light heckling from a pair of African-American audience members, [Michael] Richards unveiled a new catchphrase, ‘Fifty years ago we’d have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass,’ one he’d hoped would supplant any oft-intoned Seinfeld quips about masturbation contests or the efficacy of butter as a tanning aid. Unfortunately, the less elegant N-bomb-laced follow-up to his lynching bon mot ensured that various media outlets, looking for a quick hook, will go with “Kramer’s Racist Tirade,” setting back his efforts at leaving the character behind.

Wow. He apologized later, during Jerry Seinfeld’s appearance on Letterman’s show, though I can’t figure out which clip is more uncomfortable. (Okay, yes I can, but it’s closer than you would think.)

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It’s funny that it took public outrage to make News Corp realize it was a bad idea to have OJ Simpson describe how he hypothetically would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Well, public outrage and/or advertiser outrage. Sometimes the decency police get one right, though I have to admit I was morbidly fascinated by the idea of the book. What tone do you take in a “How I murdered my ex-wife…hypothetically, of course” book — for which I doubt the Dewey Decimal System has an adequate classification. WHat section would it go in? Fiction With a Wink?

Anyway, no book or TV special for OJ, reports Fox News.

Simpson told The Associated Press in a phone interview late Monday he could not comment on the situation ‘until I know legally where I stand.’

He needs to know where he stands legally? Maybe he’s referring to double jeopardy? I think you’re in the clear, Juice! And hey, if you’re good at something — getting away with murder, for example — why not try to capitalize on your talent? Especially if you owe someone a lot of money for whatever reason. That’s the American way!

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Hey, what a coincidence: the Pope plans to visit Turkey (the country) next week. It’s a rough trip for El Papa, considering he’s polling high on Islamic militants’ most-bombable list.

Turkey — which is striving to show the world it is a modern country ready to join the European Union — is sparing no effort to make sure the visit passes without a hitch: an army of snipers, bomb disposal experts, riot police and anti-terrorism agents will deploy at each of Benedict’s stops.

You may recall the Pope making some sort of snide remark about Islam. I’m tired of looking up articles, so just trust me. The upcoming trip will be his first visit to a Muslim country since that remark and the fallout it caused. There’s really no joke here, just the Turkey-Thanksgiving connection. What? What do you want from me?

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Feeling dirty? Wash yourself…with poop soap. Clean as a whistle!

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A lot has been going on since last I posted, but it’s easier just to forget about all of that. Oh okay, I guess we can give a rundown of some of the top things:

Lots of people died in Iraq — and I mean lots.

Midterm elections went well for the Democrats, who are now charged with screwing everything up in a completely different way than the outgoing Republican Congress did. Go to it, politicos!

Britney and K-Fed suddenly fell out of love.

Borat got punched. It sucks for him, but it did give me a bit of insight into Sacha Baron Cohen that made me like him even more: He was out pretending to be Borat with no cameras around, which ostensibly means he’s in this more for his own amusement than the amusement of others. This makes him that much funnier.

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Have a great holiday weekend, everyone! Don’t forget to eat until you puke on Thursday and then shop until you wear out your sneakers on Friday. Then buy some new sneakers! After all, what’s the use of being the richest nation in the world if we can’t throw around food and money like the Romans? You know, just before the fall of their emp … uh, never mind.

By Charley Daniels

We don’t usually talk much about what goes on in our day-to-day lives because we’re afraid no one cares. Maybe that’s a mistake. Things are going to be different around this place. Maybe. Here’s a start, anyway: Some of the Weblog Sin Pies team and all but our most loyal readers went camping this weekend. It was totally kick ass! My only regret is that we couldn’t stay longer. GODDAMNED REGULAR-LENGTH WEEKENDS. At least we have photos to remember the good times. For example, the one in this post of Alex, opening some beans like a real mountain man. Well, almost.

Speaking of good times, let’s get on with the madness:

Religion: Infallible my ass. Apparently, the Pope’s aides are too afraid to tell him when he messes up.

Good reading: Don’t you love when people have to admit they screwed up? What about when newspapers have to cop to it?

WWW: I guess Craigslist works. Okay, maybe I’ll give it a try.

Celeb: That bastion of relevant journalism In Touch Weekly paid Getty Images well over $300,000 for photos of Anna Nicole Smith and her recently deceased son that were taken the day before his untimely demise, according to Defamer. How much could I get for my camp photos?

There’s probably a bunch more going on out there, but there’s no time … Wait, yes there is because this is News and Aaahs for September 18!

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Finally, a government agency that’s interested in the separation of church and state. And you thought the IRS was just a bunch of money-grubbing yes-men who couldn’t spot corruption if it was whizzing all over them.

The IRS is investigating whether All Saints Episcopal Church violated the federal tax code when its former rector, Rev. George F. Regas, delivered an anti-war sermon on the eve of the last presidential election.

That religious leader is anti-war? RED FLAG. Go get ‘em IRS, and tell them Uncle Sam said, “Pay up you God-fearing liberal hippy scum!”

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Though it sounds suspicious that our military leaders want to test their arsenal on U.S. citizens before using the weapons in places far and wide, I personally approve of the idea — even as a citizen who is never more than one bad vehicular encounter away from being on the business end of a hostage negotiation.

By “business end” I mean I’m the guy getting hit in the face with rubber bullets. In case that wasn’t clear.

‘If we’re not willing to use it here against our fellow citizens, then we should not be willing to use it in a wartime situation,’ said [Airforce Secretary Michael] Wynne. ‘(Because) if I hit somebody with a nonlethal weapon and they claim that it injured them in a way that was not intended, I think that I would be vilified in the world press.’

Wait a minute. I take it back. This is an awful idea and an even worse potential trend. Next it could be, “What will other countries say if I set their orphanages on fire and can’t tell them I’d do the same to orphanages in my own country? What a PR nightmare!”

It sounded so good until they started talking.

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I know In Touch Weekly doesn’t claim to be a relevant voice in journalism. Or wait … does it?

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Some rich lady is the first female space tourist. How exciting! Especially when things go wrong:

The world’s first female tourist to the international space station, accompanied by a Russian cosmonaut and American astronaut, headed Monday for the orbiting lab, where a malfunction in an oxygen generator prompted the crew to don protective gear.

I’ll lay even money that they were just messing with her.

By Charley Daniels
Wherein I take stuff on, hypothetically. Let’s cut right to the bone, baby. I don’t know much about this God fellow, but a lot of people believe he’s done some amazing stuff. Even still, they don’t deny that on the seventh day he had to rest. He can’t be all that great. Maybe he’s only slightly better than me — and slightly better is beatable. I probably can’t beat him at his own game, but I have game, too. Once I was standing at an airport next to Third Eye Blind frontman Stephan Jenkins, who was telling the counter agent that he had more frequent flyer miles than God. (The flight was overbooked and they had given first priority to customers with higher mileage. Apparently, God had been allowed a seat, but Jenkins was still on the waiting list.) If a pseudo-rockstar has more frequent flyer miles than God, you better believe he’s fallible. God is fallible, I mean. You get the picture. Let’s get ready to rumble.

Round 1: Creating existence in seven days

Six if you don’t count that day of rest. See, God created everything in six days and then took a vacation, which I saw as a weakness, but it was actually his doing the job ahead of schedule and then using that last day to do whatever he wanted. That’s pretty good, especially since he inadvertently created the week in the process. I tried to create the universe and after two months I couldn’t even create gold. That’s only one element!

God: 1
Charley: 0

Round 2: Thumb wrestling

God doesn’t even have thumbs — he is an entity, after all. Without thumbs, not even a deity could beat me in a thumb-wrestling competition. Because I have two. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that he did have thumbs. Okay, I still would have won because I’m undefeated at thumb wrestling. My crazy digits can bend in ways not humanly possible, thereby putting them on par with non-humans like God. Also, I’m a lot younger than God, so any event that requires dexterity and stamina is mine for the taking. “Almighty” my ass.

God: 1
Charley: 1

(Continued)